Don Guido's Account of ...
[Webmaster's note: I have taken Don Guido's story and linked it as best I could to pictures from Vegas DBFest 97. If you see any errors or have suggestions, please email me at Oso. If you wish to see more pictures from this DBFest and other DB gatherings, click here to go to my DBPix page.]
From: Don Guido
Woohoo, you bastards! For those of you who missed it, and I know there were many, the 1997 Vegas Tour has finally ground to a halt.
Along the way there were many an adventure, and in this account I shall try and make a note of each that I can recall, but shall accept no responsibility for those that I cannot or for those that I cannot recall correctly.
And away we go...
Thursday, 08/07/1997, 20:00 Eastern Time.
Charlotte, NC - Airport
The day has finally come. The 1997 DB InFESTation of Las Vegas is about to begin. The USAirways 737-200 sits lonely on the runway, waiting for the lone Charlotte bastard to get off his ass and board for the trip to Atlanta. With nothing else to do, I oblige.
Thursday, 08/07/1997, 21:30 Eastern Time.
Atlanta, GA - Airport
After a thankfully short flight, the big step is waiting. The America West Airbus 320 waits (at the next gate over, even - truly this is a good omen!) for the trek to Las Vegas.
Thursday 08/07/1997 22:30 Eastern Time through 23:45 Pacific Time.
Atlanta, GA - Las Vegas, NV
The America West seats in first class are truly first rate. At least two people can fit comfortably in each, and no one is next to me, so four bastards could comfortably sit in my row. It's just enough room for me.
Unfortunately, the service sucks. During a four hour flight, I could only imbibe about seven drinks. And strangely enough, the flight attendant bastard kept trying to dissuade me from drinking further by telling me that whatever I was drinking had run out.
Luckily, I proceed undaunted to other elixirs that have not yet had the misfortune to be woefully under stocked. Interestingly enough, the snacks are pistachio nuts - an unusual choice that is not altogether a bad one. But the cashews on the way back were better.
And the cold salmon salad was dreadful. To top it all off, the video system was malfunctioning, so no movie. Even worse - the massive seats are horribly uncomfortable for sleeping. The leather is apparently too well maintained, as my drunken ass is often nearly falling off the seat cushion (which could still have been used for the flotation of a school bus).
Thursday 08/07/1997 23:45 Pacific Time.
Las Vegas, NV - Airport
Arrival! Now to find the other dbs who are supposed to be in the airport for the Fest. After successive pages of Bellygang Jim (BGJ), BrianH returns one and we set out to find each other in the airport. In the interim, he is found by Bellygang Noreen (BGN) and they find their way to the information desk where I am waiting impatiently, not having had a drink for nearly an hour. We somehow find Jim shortly after.
After a length of time spent discussing the whereabouts of Nippleboy, we decide he is capable of finding his way downtown and we quickly find a taxi to take us to the Four Queens, where the Bellygang and BrianH have reservations for the night, there having been no room in the Binion's.
After checking in, we check with Sondra's room and find a number of DBs already there and waiting. While the Bellygang and BrianH head off to their rooms, I trek across the street (this is a loose term - it involved threading my way through no less than two casino labyrinths with one street being crossed somewhere in between) to my own reservation at Binion's. Unfortunately, the most helpful Lulu cannot find my reservation. She does, however, provide a single room ($25) that I can use for the night, and straighten the rest out in the morning. I proceed to drop off my bags in the room. It is now approximately 02:00 in Las Vegas, 05:00 on the East Coast.
Fighting my way back through the labyrinth of casinos (and stopping to get a fresh white russian (woohoo - $1.25!) on the way), I stagger my way to Sondra's room, only to be greeted by way more dbs than should ever be in a single room as small as this one. Apparently the security of the Four Queens agrees with us and asks us to keep the noise level down.
Present at this time are: the Bellygang and BrianH, Sondra, Al, Mark, Cruise, GregM, Gonzo, Oso, Jaz, Leaf, Rab, Riddler and myself. Canadian showed up shortly thereafter to stamp everyone with the infamous "drunkard" label and be generally loud. We also signed a lovely db name tag for Micah, who could not join us.
After the very pleasant security guard came by, Sondra lovingly kicked us out into the hall, where we met the (finally) just arrived Nippleboy. Somehow the group of bastards was separated, and a small but loyal group went just downstairs. This consisted of the Bellygang, BrianH, Oso, Nippleboy and myself (anyone else?).
The bars in the downtown area seem to be mightily consistent in mixed drink prices, with various drinks fetching from $1.00 to $1.50, but rarely more than that. This turned out to be my lucky morning, as after feeding four quarters into a seemingly useless slot machine, I piled up 720 credits ($180), which we immediately cashed and went out to drink somewhere else.
This group loudly adjourned to the Fremont Street Experience (FSE), a kind of canopied walkway which is shared by a number of casinos, souvenir shops and a topless bar (more on that one later). There is also a pretty cool light show that happens at night. Strangely, I didn't see this until Sunday - my last night there. Our merry band quickly encountered some of the other DBs - Gonzo, Jaz, Leaf, Rab, and Riddler. Telling them of my good fortune, we went to find a bar that stocked "the good stuff". I have wondered if we would have looked for the good stuff if I wasn't buying the first round. I don't think so.
We came upon the Main Street Station (MSS), a place wholly unique in Las Vegas as they served drinks by pouring them from a bottle rather than using a gun to shoot several different kinds of liquor at any given time. It is useful to point out at this point that BrianH was carrying a concealed weapon of sorts - a 1.75L bottle of Jim Beam. It is also useful to note that there were not many drinks being carried between casinos at this point (other than the Jim Beam, which we were trying to conceal). This would change.
Shortly into MSS, we were told not to video tape anything (presumably the machines), and just to have a generally good time. It is also worth noting that BrianH's bottle was eyed suspiciously but generally disregarded.
A wonderful fellow named Bryan helped us with our drinking needs that night, and from what I recall was rewarded by significant tips throughout the night. I have little recollection of what we actually drank, but some "expensive" (for Las Vegas) tequila shots and some sort of martini seemed to be the most popular at the time. For those of you considering, it is worthy to point out that the entire first round of drinks (that I bought in return for the support received during my exhausting 30 seconds of slots) cost me only $25. And this was for the expensive drinks. There was not a single one that cost over $4 - and most of these drinks would *start* at $5-$6 anywhere else in the world.
Sometime around 5am the UK crew (Jaz, Leaf, Rab & Riddler) took off.
The remaining East Coast bastards and the boys from Phoenix kept going until nearly 6am, where we abandoned MSS and went to find someplace to eat, drink in hand. We wandered for a while until a dealer outside of Binion's told us we could find a $2.99 steak & egg special at the Las Vegas Club (LVC) that was going on as we spoke - it seems nowhere else really advertised that they serve breakfast at this point.
While we were wandering, we made it up to room 904 in Binion's (which belonged to the Canadian contingent) and I seem to recall banging on the door for an extended period of time, then leaving because no one would answer. Later we called from a house phone (spoke to Michelle, I think), only to be told that Canadian had passed out on the floor around 4am and there was no way any of those girls were going to open the door for the lunatics banging away outside. Lightweights. We let 'em sleep.
The food at LVC was quite good, except Gonzo's eggs were quite runny and he had a bit of a tiff with the waiter over whether we should pay for this meal or not. As it turned out, the waiter received about a $0.50 tip. This was easily the smallest tip of the weekend given by any db. Also of note - Oso had some Huevos Rancheros that were wonderful and Nips & I ate at his leftovers until the plate was nearly spotless. In case you're wondering, I did have the steak and eggs, which were quite good.
After the food, we went back outside to find the sun starting to shine brightly and that it obviously was not in any way what could be called nighttime anymore. Everyone decided to head back to their rooms for some well-deserved sleep. I wandered for a bit until I too went back to the room, only to find a message light on the phone. It was Lulu from the desk and she had found my reservation - it was held under my name, but my first name was listed as my last and vice-versa. So at about 7:30am I moved my bags from one side of the hotel to the other, made a few phone calls to some East Coast people who were at work by this point, and finally crashed. Luckily I was only charged for a $25 stay, even though I was in the larger double room ($35) when I actually slept. Woohoo!
Friday, 08/08/1997Later (11:00?).
I woke up and called Sondra to see what was happening. She had already checked out of her room. I tried the Bellygang, not really knowing where anyone else was. Luckily they were in and getting ready to head down to check out themselves. It seems the Binion's reservations for Thursday night ran out quickly and a few of the guests had to stay at the Four Queens for the night.
We met up with many bastards in the lobby of Binion's, and I caught up with Nippleboy to tell him that my room reservation was found and we now had two beds, so he could move in when we want. We went upstairs and got his stuff, moved it to our room.
Then we met up with everyone downstairs for a lovely breakfast in the Coffee Shop at Binion's. The drinking started early, mostly with breakfast-like drinks (screwdrivers and bloody marys) but some dedicated bastards were drinking long island iced teas. With that kind of showmanship, how can anyone else resist? We wolfed down breakfast (and met up with Sally and Michelle and Penny when they dropped in), then proceeded to wander about the FSE and downtown Las Vegas.
Also of note: the ham & egg "natural" breakfast special at the coffee shop was quite good and rather inexpensive.
The details here are sketchy, but at some point during the day we made a trip to the tattoo parlor, where I was the first db at the time (turns out Jaz & Leaf had theirs done earlier) to get one during the trip.
The Bellygang talked of getting a lovely pair of rats, but eventually would decide against it. Their actions, however, prompted Nippleboy to proclaim that any two other tattoos among the group or one among the group that made our trek (Bellygang, BrianH, Nips) would cause him to get a Prince Albert. This became the rallying cry for tattoos all around, but as he left Sunday night, only one other tattoo (Leaf got her second of the trip) had been done. So the PA was not accomplished on this trip. More later?
After tattoos, we met up with Geoff (and some other people that I really don't remember their names - sorry) in the middle of the FSE, and there was much hugging and kissing all around. I believe it was at this point where we discovered the Jagermeister Tap machine in the Four Queens - ice cold Jager, anytime. And only $2.50 a shot! Woohoo!
As the afternoon went on, the numbers dwindled and soon it was just me walking about by myself. I did some souvenir shopping and was ready to take a nap. When I got back to the room, Nips was ready to go, so we headed out to the topless place (Glitter Gulch), where it was no-cover day (sorry, bad pun). Unfortunately the drinks were *way* expensive. There was a two drink minimum, so we each ordered two and got the bill for $28. Luckily once you got the first two, you could get the third for free, so this helped a bit.
After plugging many dollar bills in many g-strings (and explaining what drunken bastards were to most of the women in the place) and being battered about the head by one particularly statuesque woman (Raven?), we moved on, back to MSS.
Not being as totally blitzed as the night before, I was able to notice the sign proclaiming half yard margaritas for $5. And you get to keep the glass. Later on, we found that there were 7.5 shots of tequila in *each* margarita. Woohoo!
After a quick drink, we stumbled back to Binion's, me carrying my half-full half yard of margarita. This is when we determined that no one really cares what you carry in Las Vegas. It was a good thing.
At some point here, Nips and I made a trek to the other tower - to get Jaz, I think. I remember walking barefoot through the casino and Nippleboy telling me how I manhandled an old man who was in my way - apparently just picked him up and moved him to where he was no longer in my way. You'll have to ask him for more details that, though.
We went back to the room and changed for the big dinner - the Bacchanalian (sp?). We then gathered together and split into groups for the trip. Several cabs (and dollars) later, we were at Caesar's Palace. After waiting for what seemed forever we were seated.
The feast itself was a blur. I remember we had very hot soup, a salad that looked like it was a plant pulled directly from the garden (roots and all) and wine. In fact, I remember asking one of the wine goddesses for a second glass so that I could enjoy both the red and the white. Big mistake. After that, nothing. I've heard that I made at least two trips around the tables, kissing everyone, and that I ran off a bit early (but I do think I remembered to pay - my wallet was very much lighter in the morning). Then I hear a vicious rumor that I had passed out. Ah well. It was bound to happen.
Nips called the room about 2am, saying I had locked the dead bolt. I of course apologize profusely and get up to open it. I remember nothing else until late the next day.
To be continued...
Saturday, 08/09/1997, 06:00?.
Wake up. Feel like shit. Walk to the bathroom, retch a few times, but nothing is in my stomach to come up. Brush my teeth, take a shower, back to bed.
Saturday, 08/09/1997, 13:00?.
Rough day. Nips and I decide to go get something to eat, so we head to the Lanai Cafe in the Fremont (?). The food is quite good, but I can only stomach about three bites, taken in between the multiple glasses of water and iced tea that I drink. I get the rest to go and we head back to our room.
A few minutes after arriving, I throw up. All the water, iced tea, the few bites of breakfast. Everything in my stomach. I feel wonderful and wolf down the rest of the food that I brought back. More sleep is needed.
Saturday 08/09/1997, 17:00?.
Woohoo! Feel much better. Nips and I get up to go out for some drinks. Perhaps this is when the alleged manhandling took place. I don't remember. Anyone?
Shortly thereafter I find myself in the Bellygang's room, getting ready for Battista's Italian Feast. RobF shows up and offers odds on Sondra's being ready in time. We head over to her room and she is - I win!
The dbs gather quickly and we drink everything to be found in the room. Brad Warren shows up (first time I've seen him). The pirate motif has started at some point, and nearly everything out of anyone's mouth begins with "Argh!" or "Aye!" or some variation.
I recall answering the phone in Sondra's room with a couple of "Argh!"s - it was Michelle and the Canadian crew (who were conspicuously absent, as was Nippleboy).
The fun begins. Three minivan cabs are needed for the ride, with me being in the middle one. Brad, Oso and myself are in the backseat, Gonz is in the front with Rab. The nipplesex has begun in earnest by this point. Along the ride, we have massive bouts of nipplesex and pirate-speak. Gonzo tapes most for posterity (*not posterior* - that's coming up shortly). Rab just lets out an "Argh!" every once in a while.
As we near Battista's, our driver (Gabriel?) starts making frantic noises - apparently he was mooned by Leafy. We of course missed out, so ask her to repeat it. She obliges, and we return the favor by mooning the other cab, directly behind us.
Finally we arrive at Battista's and stare in awe at the display of mini-bottles on the wall. It's huge. Meanwhile someone (Jaz?) orders Newcastles all around, and we begin to wait impatiently to be seated. Eventually we are (as we have quieted down noticeably at this point), and seated in a quite crowded banquet room type area. Strangely enough, this clears out in a matter of minutes. The appetizers and dinners take what seems like forever. The wine is still flowing, however.
During dinner, the scene was much like a riot - completely out of control and just flowing wherever it might go. Oso was wiped out by the wine, Cruise was spilling nearly every other glass on himself, PamelaJ was flashing everyone and Brad & I were having NippleSex (with Oso when he was coherent enough). Mark was telling people about how he was thirteen years old and drinking. It's pretty much a blur.
Finally the food came. All kinds of food. There were plates up and down the tables, and dbs along the length grabbed whatever was handy. I remember people spearing the Italian Sausage in my plate. I grabbed a few raviolis and ate them with my hands. Someone (Sondra?) passed lasagna down. Oso had chicken parmagian. All of it was delicious. And now that I think back, the near end of the table (Oso, Brad, Gonzo, Cruise, Geoff, PamelaJ, RobF, Badart, Mark and myself) was very much louder than the other end. Odd. Ah well.
At at least one point, we were told be a management type person to be quiet. And at another time someone told us to keep our shirts on (Jaz had apparently lost his alogether while mine & Brad's were often up for NippleSex). We made it through though, and that bastard of all bastards RobF put the entire dinner on his credit card! Woohoo! Rob - if you're ever in my neck of the woods, let me know. Dinner and drinks on me!
After dinner we adjourned to the parking lot, where much NippleSex, AssRubbing and kissing took place. After nearly an hour we decided to go to the roller coaster at NYNY. RobF knew the way. We made it across the street to Ballys and were getting on the monorail to the MGM Grand when Cruise spilled an ashtray on his shirt, making it even worse than before. We were told at least three times to quiet down or we would never be able to ride the monorail again. Ever. So we did, and agreed to have no more NippleSex until we got out of the monorail area. Compared to the rest of the night, we had almost no NippleSex on the monorail and, so far as I know, are still allowed to ride in the future.
The rest of the ride was uneventful, with RobF talking to some tennis prodigy (Alex?) the whole way there. Oso and I had quiet NippleSex and terrified a poor young lady across from us. RobF talked to her and told her it was an internet thing. She seemed somehow relieved.
After arriving at the MGM Grand, Cruise bought a new shirt and we lost most everyone. The Bellygang, Cruise, RobF, PamelaJ and myself continued to NYNY, only to find the Roller Coaster closed because of weather (it was raining). We took a limo taxi back to the hotel, where another hour or so passed and I called it a night.
To be continued...
Sunday, 08/10/1997.
This morning started early. I went to breakfast in the coffee shop at around 07:00, not being able to find any dbs out and those that I call being a bit under the weather. I get back to the room around 8:30 and Nips is ready to go, so we head out.
At the race book bar (one of the more popular db hangouts), we find Brad Warren and Sally drinking heavily. Apparently Michelle was with them but passed out around 06:00. On a video poker machine.
Sally leaves soon after, but we continue to drink with Brad, getting happy hour prices (whatever that means) from Mike the bartender - another fan of adb, as he profited handsomely from us.
At some point we decide to go to the Four Queens for a shot of Jagermeister. It's around 09:00 now. GregM has caught up with us, as has Cruise. We head to the Four Queens, and after the morning shot of Jager are ready to go, "argh!"ing away and being as obnoxious as we can for the earliness of the hour.
Somewhere we decide to go to Treasure Island (TI) and see the pirates, so we pile in a cab and head to the strip. We find TI and eventually find our way to the pirate ship, but the fight doesn't take place until 16:00, so we decide to head out. Someone along the way suggested the Rio as a place to go where the locals hang out, and we can see it so we start walking. Why we wanted to hang out with locals, I'm not sure.
Along the way, a largish pickup truck is in a prime locale and we have to make use of it to relieve ourselves. Shortly thereafter, Brad Warren is seen running through a parking lot with his shirt around his neck and his arms waving wildly, yelling something about nipples.
The trek continues, and as we close in on the Rio, we get to a wall. A pretty big wall, but not a huge one. We all look and jump onto it and down the other side, but GregM takes a minute. Eventually we are all over and only a parking lot away from the Rio. I think Jeremiah was responsible for getting GregM over the wall - seemingly by simply pointing out the obvious fact that there will be no alcohol for him until he crosses.
Somewhere in this madness we started talking about the Green Burrito and getting a Big Ed. Anyone ever had one? Good stuff. Anyway, we make it (finally) to the Rio and sit at the bar and admire the cocktail waitresses for a while, then ask the bartender (Russ, who also admires the cocktail waitresses) where we can get a Big Ed burrito. He doesn't know, but directs us upstairs to the Mexican Restaurant. We order some girly drinks (that were quite good) and some food (also quite good, but too much!) upstairs. After a while, we head out of the Rio, walk nearly all the way around the hotel (sorry guys) and finally find a cab back to Binion's.
After arriving at Binion's, the flaming red monkey butt hit from the Mexican, but at least I was in the room, so it wasn't too bad. It was, however, nap time and I laid around the room most of the afternoon.
Before long, we ended up at the bar, getting ready to say goodbye to our nipple-brother Brad. His plane was one of the earliest (PamelaJ also left early Sunday, as did the Canadian crew). All of the rest of the dbs turned out to send Brad back to the airport, and he rewarded everyone with several butt-presses to the outside door of the casino.
Oso and I gave him a good nipple-press on the door of his cab, and he was gone. Truly a sad moment. But he has plans to come to Charlotte, so all is not lost.
After Brad left, we spent the rest of the evening just sitting at the bar. I had to switch briefly to water as my stomach was revolting against me, and did so for a while. Finally it was feeling better and I launched into a few final rounds with Nips and GregM and Cruise. Nips left not much later, and I headed off to bed.
The InFESTation was almost over.
Sunday, 08/10/1997.
Some other stuff happened Sunday...
Forgot a few hours. After we got back, several of us (GregM, Jaz, Leaf, the Bellygang, Brian, Gonzo and myself) took off to MSS to get some booze. It was this trip that they all noticed my half yard of margaritas. Seems like everyone got one.
Then we started walking through downtown Las Vegas, and Gonzo took this opportunity to piss in the potted plant! On a busy street, in full view of everyone, and even to be recorded for posterity. He is a god.
Then we made our way to the tattoo place, but the first one wouldn't serve us - thought we were to drunk, or something. Must have been all those half yards we carried in with us. So Nips and Brian and the Bellygang and Gonzo stay around to watch a film being made (Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, right?).
Jaz & Leaf and GregM and I head to another tattoo parlor, where Leaf & Jaz had their earlier ones done. Leaf selects a lovely salamander to go around her waist (not all the way around, just on a side). I head out to find Gonzo to get some cash so we can pay for the facking thing.
I bring Gonzo back and we sit there and listen to Leafy's screams of pain for an hour or more when Gonzo gets tired and says he needs to go. The Bellygang have joined us by this time and they escort Gonzo back to the hotel. I didn't see any of them for the rest of the trip.
GregM and Nips and I stay with Jaz & Leaf, and Nips almost gets his PA, even though there was only one more tattoo. But the guy who does them couldn't be found, so we left and headed back to the hotel. Leaf's tattoo is quite nice, BTW.
Then we (GregM, Nips and I) sat up drinking until Nips left at about 22:00. Cruise showed up a bit later, then it was off to the airport for Nippleboy.
Sorry I missed this part... don't know where it went! :)
Monday, 08/11/1997.
I woke up early, then realized that nearly everyone was gone and there was a long time until the plane left. So I went back to sleep. Around 10:00, I broke down and sadly packed my bags, preparing to check out of Binion's.
I went to breakfast at the Paradise Buffet (not bad at all), then came back and picked up my bags. I checked out of the hotel and caught a cab to NYNY, determined to ride the roller coaster.
I checked my bags with the desk, and went to the roller coaster - the line was huge! I wasn't feeling particularly patient, so I decided I'd walk about the strip.
I wandered over to the MGM Grand, Excalibur and the Luxor, taking at least a picture of each. I figured some tourism was needed after the long weekend of none.
After this I went back to NYNY and now the roller coaster was closed because of mechanical problems. So I walked down the strip, past the Alladin and the Monte Carlo and some others that aren't too big. Went back to Battista's and got some pictures. Headed down to Treasure Island and finally saw the pirate battle (very cool, BTW - the pirates won). Went past Caesar's and the Mirage, of course, and the Flamingo Hilton and Bally's too. Took a whole roll of film.
Needless to say, it was pretty damn hot, so I went to a couple of movies to waste some time in air-conditioned splendor. Saw Contact (with Jodie Foster - good film) and Spawn (really bad, but neat effects). Then it was time to go, so I made one last stop at NYNY to try and catch the roller coaster. No luck, it was closed early because of high winds or something.
So I picked up my bags and headed to the airport. I played a final quarter in the slot machine just before getting on the plane, then headed back home. The flight was long but somehow I was able to sleep this time (although the movie was still messed up - America West sucks).
Made it home about 10:00 Eastern today, and went straight to bed. It seems almost a shame that there are no dbs to go drinking with, no sleazy cocktail waitresses to ogle, and no cheap eats to be had.
But there's always next year! Who's with me?
