[scene:1]
An Inn to the north of the hamlet of Londinium, run by Sherrif Dal and his good lady wife, Mistress Leaf. Sherrif Dal is conversing with Darsy, a freelance idiot from the land of Ul-ster, to the north or Oir-land far across the western sea, who has stayed at the inn a number of times before. Enter Sir Jaz, a cider-quaffing knight from oop North, belonging to an obscure religious order (one day, it is rumoured, he may become Pope).

{Sherrif Dal} Darsy, bow in the presence of Sir Jaz, a cider-quaffing knight from oop North. He comes from the shire of Brad-Ford.
{Darsy} Wait...we have a Brad Arnold and a Brad Warren, are you telling me I have to remember a Brad Ford now too?
{Sir Jaz} No ye daft bugger, me names Jaz. I come from Bradford.
{Sherrif Dal} Great things are afoot, and a gathering together of like-minded quaffers from the four corners of the earth has been signalled.
{Darsy} Eh?
{Sir Jaz} Oh aye, a big piss-up.
{Sherrif Dal} Yeah, verily two strangers from the island of three-legged men are visitors to our shire. Come Darsy, we shall make haste and escort them on the final stage of their arduous journey to the Inn.
{Darsy} Err, verily we shall need some victuals to sustain us on our journey in the tunnels-beneath-the-earth. What say you that we take some of this tasty Barley Wine?
{Sherrif Dal} Are you sure about the Barley Wine part?
[Dal, Darsy exit stage left]
{Sir Jaz} Great! Where's the facking cider?
[curtain]

[scene:2]
The hitching station at the Cross of Kings. Sherrif Dal and Darsy lurk for some time waiting for the strangers from the island of three-legged men.

{Darsy} They should have been here by now. And how d'you ride a horse with three legs anyway?
{Sherrif Dal} I think they only have two legs, almost as if they were normal men. Also, it is entirely possible that those from outside our Shire may quite easily become disorientated. It has been known to happen.
{Darsy} Wait! Can you smell a strange smokey aroma of exotic fish-like creatures? {Sherrif Dal} Yes, and it is said that the dwellers in the land of three legged men have strange and exotic delicacies, rarely tasted by mainlanders. This could well be them now.
[Two strangers appear. Smell of smoked fish increases]
{1st Stranger} Hail, I am he known as The Riddler, also called Jimmy.
{2nd Stranger} And I am Rab or Rob or Robbie or some other derivative along the same general theme. I am brother to The Riddler - Hail!
{Sherrif Dal} Greetings, we have come to direct you to the Inn. We had feared that you had become lost on your journey, but you appear to be in good health and only mildly disoriented.
{Darsy} Here, have a goatskin full of tasty beer from the far-off land of High-knee'Kan.
[All exit stage right, descending back into the tunnels-beneath-the-earth]
[curtain]

[scene:3]
Back at the Inn, assembled characters: Sherrif Dal, Mistress Leaf, Darsy, Sir Jaz, The Riddler and Rab.

[fx: loud roaring noise from outside the inn]
{Sherrif Dal} Hark! The sound of the power of many horses signals the arrival of Paddy, who is to embark on a perilous mission far to the south to meet the mighty warrior, Gonzo, who it is said has flown many miles in the belly of a great iron bird from a land across the sea known as A-mer'ika.
{Mistress Leaf} Indeed, for we are to be blessed with his presence for the purpose of overseeing the forthcoming merryment.
{Darsy} But wait...America won't be discovered for several millenia. How can this be, good Sherrif?
{Sir Jaz} Aye, I were wondering that too.
{Mistress Leaf} That isn't important right now, since the rest of this story is also bollocks.
{Sir Jaz, Darsy} Fair enough.
{Sherrif Dal} Though Paddy has consented to speed Gonzo from the shire of Gat'wick back to the Inn on the back of his mighty steed, it is only fitting that we should meet the warrior from across the sea and make him welcome to our Land. Who shall come with me?
{Mistress Leaf} I volunteer for this noble honour.
{Sir Jaz} Count me in too. Can I bring me cider?
{Darsy} I shall, err, rest here, for there is a wench from the village with whom I have an appointment.
[Wench Enters]
{Sir Jaz} You dirty bugger.
{The Riddler} My brother and I also shall remain at the Inn - we are weary from our journey, and there is much ale to be quaffed.
[Paddy Enters]
{Paddy} Alright, Chaps?
{Sherrif Dal} Greetings Paddy. The welcoming party has been decided upon. Come! let us go from this place forthwith.
{Sir Jaz} Make Way!
[Dal, Leaf, Paddy and Jaz exit stage left]

[scene:4]
Later that afternoon in the beer-garden behind the Inn.

{The Riddler} Verily this is a fine day indeed to be partaking of the bounteous generosity of the good Sherrif and his lady wife.
{Rab} Yeah, and the beer's pretty good too.
{Wench} Ere, Darsy, where be that strange dark ale from Oir-land that you promised me.
{Darsy} It's here in this, err, bucket.
{The Riddler} "Pail" would be a more fitting term for a pseudomythical story such as this one.
{Darsy} OK, then - it's in this pail, being kept cool by the water from an icy spring.
{Rab} {appearing mysterious} Our journey has been a long one, much as for yourself Darsy. It commenced with the ritual drinking of exotic brandies and the consumption of strange sandwiches made from the flesh of pigs, and butter {pauses for eff ect} from a cow!
{The Riddler} Yay, the customs of our people must seem strange and alien to one such as yourself.
{Darsy} Actually, I had a bacon buttie earlier myself.
{Wench} Yeah, me too.
{Rab} {slightly less mysterious now} Well, how about the brandy? I'll wager you didn't have that!
{Darsy} Well, no. OK then...your land must truely be a strange one.
{Wench} What exactly is that strange fishy smell?
{The Riddler} It is a great delicacy that we have brought with us from the land of the three legged men.
[fx: more roaring from outside]
[Gonzo enters]
{Gonzo} Hail, for I am Gonzo, known as The Barbarian (also the keeper of the official adb homepage, but that doesn't really fit in well with the rest of the story), come to oversee much drinking and debauchery.
{All} Hey Gonzo, you drunk.

(To be continued...Next, the Saga of the Pub - Part 1)

[scene:1]
In the Beer-Garden to the back of the Inn of
Sherrif Dal and Mistress Leaf

[Cast present : Dal, Leaf, Darsy, Wench, Rab, Riddler, Gonz, and Sir Jaz]
{Darsy} So what exactly, good Sirs, is wrong with this fine culinary repast that I have painstakingly prepared for you?
{Rab, Riddler} It's far to facking hot, ya bastard!
{Darsy} Verily, you men of your land of the three legged men are not as versed in the ancient arts of Cheel'E as are those in mine own country.
{Gonzo} Truely, thou didst not lie when you claimed a fondness for food resembling the fiery breath of the Dragon of VinD'Lou
{Leaf} Sirs! let us not argue over who is the hardest in the Cheel'E eating stakes - what say you that we retire to the local ale-shoppe and quaff many of their finest beverages?
{Riddler} Indeed, forsooth that is indeed a fine and cunning plan, Mistress Leaf.
{Jaz} Do they have cider?
{Dal} I suppose I'll have to stay behind and tend to the young'uns of our goodly household. 'Twill be my turn to go out next methinks!
[Leaf, Gonzo, Jaz, Darsy, Wench, Riddler and Rab exit stage right]
{Dal} Fack it! Where be my Dalwhinnie?

[Scene:2At the Ale-Shoppe

{Gonzo} I am most keen to partake of some of your local brews - their reputation has stretched far across the sea hence even unto the land from wence I came.
{Darsy} What's he saying?
{Jaz} I think 'e wants a beer like.
{Serf#1} Good evening good Sirs, and would you be liking a drink?
{Wench} Oh, I should say so.
{Leaf} Facking-A!
{Darsy} I tell from your accent, lowly serf, that you come from the land of Seth Efrika. Tell me, do you know the good Sir Alan, he who is jockey of the camels (yea, both those with one hump and two) and drinker of vast quantities of ale?
{Serf#2} For some inexplicable reason, that shall not be cleared up even by the end of the evening, all of the Serfs in this here Ale-Shoppe hail from the land of Seth Efrika, but verily none of us know this Alan of whom you speak. What do you want to drink?
{Rab} Surely thou doest know Alan, he of the funny-hat(tm) and possesor of a magic amulet by virtue of which he can receive messages in script from anywhere in the known world, in the blinking of an eye, but unfortunately at the most inappropriate moment?
{Serf#1}Look - we told you - we don't know the facker, now: What do you want to drink?
{Gonzo} A tankard of your finest quaffing-ale, and be quick about it you surly oaf!
{Jaz} A tankard for me an' all - make it cider though, you asshuffer [addresses female serf] Wanna shag?
[rest of group order their round]
{Gonzo} Tell me, what manner of strange and devious game is being played by those oddly dressed locals, involving as it does the propelling (using a magic stick of cunning design) of bizarrely colored balls around a green table. It looks in many ways similar to the game known in my land as "Poool" but surely cannot be the same given the uncanny smallness of the balls in question.
{Jaz} It IS pool, you daft bugger.
{Rab} Come, Gonzo, we challenge you to ritual humiliation on the Table of Pool at the hands of our resident Pool-Sorceror, the good Sir Jaz.
{Leaf, Riddler} Yes, we'll have a go at that too.
{Wench} Darsy, can I interest you in the prospect of entertaining me in that there secluded corner, with more tales of the outragreous behaviour of the brave men of Ul-ster?
{Darsy} I suppose so - do I have to buy you a drink as well?
[Much playing of pool, and talking of bullshit is done. It is only as the end of the evening approaches and the landlord of the Ale-Shoppe is calling time, that the assembled cast notice that one of their number has disappeared]
{Leaf} Here - where the fack is Riddler?
{Jaz} He were here a minute a go.
{Rab} Worry not concerning the whereabouts of the Riddler - he is at times prone to extended periods of absentness.
{Darsy} Hast we not better send out a search party? The shire of Londinium is a strange and dangerous place for one not schooled in its iniquitous ways.
{Rab} No, I reckon he'll be alright - come on - I'm facking starving, let's get something to eat.
{Darsy} Now you're talking! It is indeed time to ritually Quest for the Lost Fiery Ke-Bab of Destiny (tm)!
{Leaf} Well, there's a Kebab shoppe just down the lane, so by my reckoning we shalt not have to Quest too far.
{Gonzo} Are you sure we can just leave with out the Riddler?
[Leaf,Darsy,Wench,Jaz,Rab exit stage left]
{Gonzo} I guess so.
[Gonzo exits stage left]

(Coming soon....the Fiery Ke-Bab of Destiny and the Search for Riddler)