Date: 14 May 96
I, your drunken webmaster, wrote in response to XXXJoel's post:
BUlls on parde!@@Hello Oso![XXXJoel]: Troop XXX, Alaska.
Man joel! i dntin know you were in the military? you aint working at the pentagon any more? has sondra visited you in ice station zebra?
How are things with you in Arizona? I'm sure you are enjoying the warm weather of the spring season! Here in Alaska, our idea of "spring" is when there is less than a foot of snow on the ground-- surf's up! Actually, some of the clowns from Troop X (about fifteen miles west of ours) have an annual contest to see who can jump into the ocean and stay the longest. I forget the name of the contest, but the event looks something like the activities of that Polar Bear Club at Coney Island in New York, USA. As for my troop, XXX, we don't mess with silly stuff like that-- I think we'd rather live simple lives of arctic exploration and beer-swilling. It's not too complex, but it does make for a meaningful existance.
Sondra did get a chance to visit here in 1994 and I think she had a good time, despite the fact that the airlift pilot (Jason) who flew her here had consumed so many bags of crisps (I think you Americans call the "potato chips") and beer that he was stinking up the entire hull of the flight with some industrial-strength farts. Plus, the entire crew was a bit worried when Jason, who they now call Crazy Jaz, began complaining about his weight and proceeded to strike the control panels with this fists. But my team designed all the navigation equipment for that particular model, and I had given the beta versions plenty of steel-toed workouts with Crazy Jaz in mind, so I knew the equipment was pretty-much indestructable.
Nevertheless, I think Sondra had a fun time when she visited, even though our water systems, which account for heating and filtration, were on the blink and there were no showers taken or water to drink for three weeks. No one complained, though, as we're usually filthy anyway and we had PLENTY of beer to drink. No worries here!!
[Oso]: man, she is a gretg womanFor a secong there, I thought you meant "she is a GregM woman" and I became a bit worried. GregM, as you may or may not know, was captured by the Jamaicans two years ago and has been living the life of a slave even since. Well, let me re-phrase that: he's being held in captivity, and in order to preserve his life, he must help their clan process the rum for that particular region, as well as assist in the cultivation of their various opium crops. In return, he can enjoy as much of the products as he desires, so long as he's ready to work the next day. Call it slavery if you want to, but the past four times I've tried to arrange a rescue mission, he's been adamant that I "Stay the fuck away [from him and that I] go back to that goddamn frozen-ass rock!" I assume he means Alaska.
Oh well, that's what new here. Thanks for your shipment of the reheat-n-eat lasagne! It was quite tasty! Unfortunately, we only got to enjoy four of the five pounds you sent, as Staff Sergeant Machado became very intoxicated one night and had sex with the last pound, as it was coming (no pun intednded) out of the oven. He rationalized his actions by alleging the reheated food was the first warm and moist "piece" he's had in a while, but I think his actions were a bit extreme nevertheless. The food, however, did not go to waste, as I ate the remaining portions that weren't soiled by that drunken freak. As you know, I am a somewhat tasteless individual.
All my best to you seedy and drunken Americans!
JOEL
Troop XXX, Alaska.
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