Date: 20 Jul 97

Jaz, Rab, Kev and Binky have recently set up a construction company from a late night drunken 'Good at the time' idea. Today is their first day in their venture...

Alarm clock rings out in the quietness...

[Jaz]: What the fuck?
[Binks]:Turn that bloody noise making device off!
[Rab]:I'm confused!
[Kev]:What am I doing in this story?
[Jaz]: Story?
[Kev]:Yeh..I'm American and have a job.
[Binks]:Just get with the plot Kev.
[Rab]:I'm in England?
[Jaz]: Look...We gonna get with this story or facking what?
[Kev]:Okay! Let's humour the storyteller..Who is writing this anyhow?
[Binks]:The esteemed Jaz Vain.
[Rab]:Shit...What the kippers has he got install for us?
[Kev]:Lemme cast my mind back...I've been possessed...Been to the house that dripped Cider and now a bloody construction worker!
[Jaz]: Oh! Come on...Let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
[Rab]:Depends on how drunk he is.

Writer speaks "Shut the fuck up you barnpots! Get with the script or else I'll write you into the middle of the desert with 100 years supply of Everclear!!"

[Binks]:I had a nightmare last night.
[Rab]:Me too! We had a house to restore.
[Kev]:Methinks we have to...
[Jaz]: Okay..The sooner we start the sooner we finish.
[Binks]:Now? It's not even Dawn.
[Kev]:It's 10:48am
[Binks]:Exactly...Time for another 3 hours at least.
[Rab]:I've got a bad feeling about this.
[Jaz]: Come on! I'll make breakfast whilst ya get your overalls on.
[Kev]:Jaz?
[Jaz]: Before you ask..Your flapcap is on a hook behind you Kev.
[Kev]:Thanks...Cannot go anywhere without that.

*10 mins later Jaz comes back with the breakfast.

[Binks]:Hmmmm..Looks appetising my good fellow!
[Rab]:Just the ticket!
[Kev]:I don't mind if I do.

*Jaz hands Binks a 4 pack of stella, Bottle of Drambuie for Rab, Scotch for Kev and a 3 litre bottle for himself.

[Jaz]: Right lads, get it down ya and let's go!!

*5 mins later they all stumble outside and cram themselves into the tatty almost derelict antique van with the wordage "DB Construction Plc" painted crudely on the side in glaring orange paint.

[Jaz]: The fucking thing won't start.
[Kev]:What if someone sees me in this thing?
[Binks]:I wouldn't worry..Its not as if anyone will read this.
[Rab]:Have we any tools for whatever we're doing?
[Jaz]: The householder will have some surely?
[Kev]:May I be so irratatingly bold to put forth the theory they might expect us to bring our own tools?
[Jaz]: Your just too God damned picky at times!!!
[Kev]:Look!! I didn't ask to be here!!!
[Binks]:Stop arguing!!! I've found the necesary tools back here.
[Rab]:Nice one Binks. What you found?
[Kev]:Hammer? Saw? Crowbar? and other various hand tools I can't remember.
[Jaz]: Paintbrushes? ladders? Dust sheets?
[Binks]:Fuck no....Bottle opener, 4 pint glasses and 10 cases of bottled beer.
[Rab]:Can't say fairer then that.
[Kev]:Tooled up for the job!
[Jaz]: Who's gonna get out and push?
[Binks]:Piss off..Not me.
[Kev]:Me neither...My flatcap will fly off.
[Rab]:I'm from the Isle of man.
[Jaz]: Okay! Okay! I'll do it...Grab the wheel Someone...

*3 hours later and approx 52 yards later...

[Kev]:Okay stop pushing...We're there.
[Binks]:Maybe you should have taken the handbreak off Kev.
[Rab]:Naw....It's fun supping beer and watching Jaz get redder in the face.
[Jaz]: I'm bushed....Someone hand me a beer please.

*All faces exchange quick fertive glances.

[Jaz]: You Tards! You drank all the beer!!!
[Kev]:Not quite true...I still have abit left in mine.
[Binks]:Stop whining...I'll do you good all that exercise.
[Rab]:Yeah...I'm tired just watching you.
[Jaz]: Sometimes I dispair with you lot...Okay let's get this over and done with and then get down the pub.

* The 4 intrepid and ground breaking Construction workers in their shining new boiler suits ring the customer's doorbell.
*It is answered by a short balding spotty faced wassock called Bojangles.

Bo]: What effing time ya call this?
[Jaz]: Hi there! We are the DB Construction Public Limited Company!
[Bo]: It's effing 4pm ya loser!
[Binks]:Nearly time for home chaps.
[Rab]:What exactly are we doing for you Bo?
[Bo]: Fitting a new pisspot for me ya effing loser!
[Kev]:I do believe I see a pattern here.
[Bo]: Effing get yourself in and get started Losers.
[Jaz]: Okay Mr Bo-peep who lost his sheep and didn't know where to shag em.
[Bo]: What the effing hell you say?
[Rab]:Where do you want the bog fitted?
[Bo]: You been drinking?
[Binks]:Is Spoon a Asshuffer?
[Bo]: Drinking is for losers!!!
[Kev]:Do you want this pisspot fitted or what?
[Bo]: You wear that flatcap for a effing dare or what?

*10 minutes later the DB construction team is working like clockwork...

[Binks]:Right! Where do we start Kev?
[Kev]:Why ask me?
[Jaz]: Your the clever one.
[Rab]:Yeah...tell us how to do it and we can get down the pub.
[Kev]:Look! I may know afew long words but I know jack shit about fitting a shitpot.
[Binks]:Can't be that hard. First I suppose we have to secure the pisspot to the floor.
[Rab]:How?
[Jaz]: Oh Rab! You just haven't a clue have you? We nail it down of course!
[Kev]:Nail it? Call me the King of the flat capped Tards but wouldn't that leave holes in the pisspot?
[Binks]:What does afew holes in a pisspot mean?
[Rab]:Exactly...You have to crack afew eggs to make a omelette.
[Binks]:Okay then..Here goes.....

*After 20 minutes of Binks missing the nail with the hammer due to triple stella induced vision he leaves a golfball sized hole in the pisspot.

[Binks]: Yes well....
[Rab]:Nice try all the same.
[Kev]:I should be in a classy story where I can say all the long words I want and impress everyone.
[Jaz]: Actually Kev..You ain't said many long words today.
[Binks]:Probally because the writer of this fable dosen't know any.
[Rab]:I've notice alot of crude words.
[Kev]:Yeah...I should write one of these stories one day....
[Jaz]: Anyway...We can fill that hole with polyfiller.
[Binks]:Jaz...Polyfiller is only good for wood and plasterwork.
[Rab]:He's right Jaz.
[Jaz]: Well! Piss on me!
[Kev]:We may have to if we don't fit this pisspot soon, I'm ready to urinate my SpiceGirl's boxershorts.
[Binks]:Let's just connect the pisspot to the sewage pipe.
[Rab]:Go on then.
[Binks]:Why do I have to do everything?
[Kev]:I'll do it! Step aside protozeans.

*30 mins later the pisspot to connected to a pipe.

[Jaz]: I think that is our first job finished to customers satisfaction and without any trouble on our part.
[Binks]:Calls for a celebration drink methinks.
[Rab]:Yeah...We'll grab a trolley load of booze and go and watch the X channel.
[Kev]:X channel?
[Rab]:Yeah...It's a porno channel I subscribed to when I was tanked up.
[Jaz]: So you admit it?
[Rab]:Admit what?
[Binks]:That you was the one who subscribed to the X channel.
[Rab]:I never said that.
[Kev]:You just did!!!
[Rab]:I said it was a port channel I subscribed to when I was sobered up that had nothing to do with sex what-so-ever.

*Bojangles walks in clutching his fat lard ass.

[Bo]: Fack me piles! I need a effing dump before the head of the turtle sees my Y-fronts!
[Kev]:What?
[Jaz]: Ya don't wanna know.
[Binks]:The new gleaming toilet and cistern has been fitted to your satisfaction dear customer.
[Bo]: Looks like a effing disgrace ya effing losers!
[Rab]:Now look here!
[Bo]: Shove it kipper killer! I'm downloading any second so make effing way!
[Binks]: I'll turn on the pipe so it all works to your satisfaction.
[Bo]: Do that loser. My bomb bays are opening for a blitz!

*Bo squelches onto the pisspot and makes a hideous grimace of satisfaction.

[Bo]: That's gotta be a record turn out! I'm gonna smoke a cigar to celebrate ya effing losers!!!
[Jaz]: Psst...Binks? Smell that?
[Binks]:I would rather not Jaz!
[Rab]:I smell it...Gas?
[Kev]:I should be in Shakespear and not fitting shitpots for a drunken Brit cider barnpot. Fuck you VegasBoy!
[Jaz]: No..I mean real gas....
[Binks]:Oh shit!
[Rab]:I think he just did.
[Binks]:No! Kev connect the toilet to the gas pipe.
[Bo]: Smell that? Hahaha! Losers! That's all your getting from me! Now get the effing hell outta my house! Your losers! Hahaha!!!! I'm gonna smoke my Cigar and post to ADB how I outsmarted you all!
[Jaz]: Need a light Bo?
[Bo]: Sure do ya pony-tailed loser! Gimme the light and make sure you wipe your feet on the way out!!! Hahaha! Loser!
[Rab]:Let's go...
[Binks]: Agreed Rab.
[Kev]:Have flat cap will follow.

*Jaz hands Bojangles the match and strolls out silently counting to himself....

[Rab]:The pub lads?
[Binks]:Excellant idea Rab my fine fellow.
[Kev]:A job well done.
[Jaz]: I'm proud of you..I'm buying .
[Rab]:Have we a job on tomorrow?
[Kev]:Yeah Jaz?
[Binks]:Some more work for DB construction Plc?

*Jaz pauses and looks directly into the camera and winks...

[Jaz]: Yep.....Tomorrow we check out Spo*n's plumbing and Plug any leaks that we think needs clamping shut...

*The 4 boiler suited Construction workers walk off into The Sunset.
(The Sunset being the nearest pub)

Jaz
What will be their next *job*?