Okay, I hate to sound negative here (yeah, right), but I got some test results back from Planned Parenthood yesterday, and thought you DBs might be surprised at what I discovered-- some doctors are really gullible. BTW, I am *not* pregnant, so none of you fux have to leave town for a while.
Actually, I went in to have my blood tested for HIV, and though I was 99.9% sure that it'll take something a helluva lot stronger and of a higher caliber to kill me than some steenkin' virus, I wanted to be a hundred percent certain that my days aren't quite as numbered as some people might allege.
So I went in on Monday and did the whole bloodletting ritual, complete with my request to insert the needle myself, as I really missed the old days of my heroin addiction and prostituting myself (the doctor *loved* hearing that!) and that "shooting up" for the test might help the occasional craving, blah blah blah.
For good measure, I checked YES on all the questions relating to "risky behavior," with the exception of "Have you ever had a miscarriage?" as I knew that might give my game away. I thought for a minute that the doctor was gonna put on two pairs of gloves before even so much as touching me, especially when he commented that my blood smelled "about 40-proof."
So I returned to the doctor yesterday for the results. He led me into a small room and had me sit down. He read a social security number from the computer printout and asked if it was mine. I told him that it was. He then smiled and handed me the printout. The results-- Test #1: NEGATIVE. Test #2: NEGATIVE.
"There must be some mistake," I told the doctor.Some smart people are really stoopid."What do you mean?" he asked, adding, "That's your social security number, isn't it?"
"Well yeah," I said, "but I was diagnosed with HIV a year ago, and my reason for being re-tested was to see if it had progressed into full-scale AIDS."
"Are you sure about that?" the doctor asked.
"Sure I'm sure. They tested me four times-- two sets of two tests," I replied.
"Who performed the tests?"
"Umm, Doctors Oso and Machado in New York. They told me there was only one hope for me to live to see my next birthday...something they prescribed, I think."
"What did they prescribe?" the doctor asked, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"Lemme see here...I think it was-- Dewar's," I said, trying to act puzzled. "Yeah, that's the name-- Dewar's. Some kinda liquid that I was supposed to mix with water and drink on a daily basis in large amounts."
"Dear god," the doctor moaned. "Those morons advised you drink cheap whisky in an affort to fight the AIDS virus? What were they thinking?"
"Well, it looks to me as if it's worked," I replied, trying not to laugh in his face. "Do you want to do anyther blood test? It'll have to be the house, though, because I can't afford another twenty dollars."
"No, it won't be necessary," he replied, still stunned from what I'd told him minutes earlier. "Where do those doctors practice? I'd like to contact them."
"I think they're still working at the DBClinic on 16th Street in Manhattan, but I'm sure they're in the phone book as well."
"Thank you," the doctor said. "Thank you very much. I'm going to have my secretary contact them immediately. I think there are a few things we should discuss."
"Okay, whatever," I replied. "Hey, if you do get ahold of either of them, give 'em my best and make sure you ask about the ebola patients they've helped with the Dewars Therapy as well, okay?"
"Ebola!" the doctor screamed. "There's no cure for that! That's one of the most deadly and contagious viruses known to modern man!"
"Was, doctor," I replied. "It was. Past tense."
"My god, I'm going to call them this instant!" the doctor said, jumping up from his chair.
"Oh, and one more thing," I added.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Save the Choad, Doctor Tard."
"Uh, okay...sure. I will," the doctor agreed, obviously not understanding.
JOEL
money is no object, but I like to get my money's worth...
xxxjoel wrote:
"The results-- Test #1: NEGATIVE. Test #2: NEGATIVE"The best reason for high-fives in the 90s! =)"
"Who performed the tests?"Dr. Oso: "Joel, we're now going to perform the HIV test.""Umm, Doctors Oso and Machado in New York. They told me there was only one hope for me to live to see my next birthday...something they prescribed, I think."
The test would probably convince of observing the effects of eating 5 beef and chunders on Joel's system ("You ate 5 beef n chunders without dying or throwing up! You *must* have a disease!")
Canadian