"JEOPARDY:

Drunken College Week"

Anybody catch Jeopardy today? Boy was that a fuckin' scream! Transcript is (loosely) as follows:

[Alex]: "Hello and welcome to College Week here on Jeopardy. I'm your host, Alex Quebec, and we've got a lot of ground to cover today, so let's go right to our contestants' introductions. First, let's please welcome Mr. Reilly Lambert. Hi Reilly."

[Reilly]: "Hey."

[Alex]: "I understand you're a student at Kent, Reilly? And that you've recently acquired a new career in painting?"

[Reilly]: "Yes, and no. I *am* a student, but the painting thing is only for the summer."

[Alex]: "I see. Fascinating. What do you like to do in your spare time, Reilly?"

[Reilly]: "Drink, oh and I got laid last week."

[Alex]: "Okay, then, moving right along, please welcome our next contestant, umm, this is Slutboy."

[Slutboy]: "Whassup, Alex?"

[Alex]: "Err, nothing much, uh, bro."

[Slutboy]: "Whaaat?"

[Alex]: "Never mind. Tell me, Slutboy, where do you go to school and what do you do?"

[Slutboy]: "Work, drink, drink some more, pass out, wake up, go to work, repeat as necessary. I'm in the school of life, really, and I also help people out with their various problems as well."

[Alex]: "Really? Like a social worker?"

[Slutboy]: "More like the Angel of Death, Alex."

[Alex]: "Okay...let's meet our next contestant. Please welcome...um, I guess his name is Oso. Welcome, Oso.

[Oso]: "Hi."

[Alex]: "Where do you go to school, Oso?"

[Oso]: "Arizona State."

[Alex]: "Wonderful, Oso."

[Oso]: "Whatever, Alex."

[Alex]: "What's Arizona like? What to the kids do for fun there?"

[Oso]: "Arizona's hot, Alex. We go to class and drink. We've been known to study from time to time as well."

[Alex]: "Sounds like a winning combination, Oso."

[Oso]: "Choad."

[Alex]: "Umm, okay, well, let's meet our fourth contestant today. This is Joel, who attends classes in Oklahoma City."

[Joel]: "Hi."

[Alex]: "So, Joel, how's Oklahoma?"

[Joel]: "Well, we recently re-instituted slavery and made public lynching of suspected Baptists legal."

[Alex]: "Really?"

[Joel]: "No, you stupid [beep]."

[Alex]: "Ha ha, you sure got me there, Joel."

[Joel]: "Shut up, Alex. I'm here to win some [beep] money and some [beep]."

[Alex]: "Well, I'm sure you all know the rules of the game. There are five categories on the board, and you're supposed to pick a category and correctly answer the question for points and valuable prizes. Today's categories are medicine, biology, music, quotes, and famous tards. Remember to phrase your answers in the form of a question. Let's begin."

[Alex]: "Okay, well Joel won the biggest scar contest backstage, so we'll let him choose the first topic."

[Joel]: "I'll take biology for a hundred, Alex."

[Alex]: "Biology it is-- It's been called the River of Life..."

[Reilly]: "What is piss?"

[Slutboy]: What's Glenfiddich?"

[Oso]: "Guinness!"

[Joel]: "What the [beep] is blood?"

[Alex]: "Remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question, Oso. By default, Joel was the closest, so the points go to him and he'll pick the next topic."

[Joel]: "Weee-haaa! Okay, gimme biology for two hundred."

[Alex]: "Biology again it is-- This element of the human body serves no medicinal purpose."

[Slutboy]: "Brain!"

[Joel]: "What is a choad?"

[Reilly]: "What's a hangover?"

[Oso]: "What is my butt?"

[Alex]: "Sorry, the correct answer is appendix. No points that round, so the next category will be quotes for one hundred dollars. He said, "I never met a man I didn't like."

[Oso]: "What is Madonna?"

[Reilly]: "Who is your mother?"

[Slutboy]: "Who was Jeffrey Dahmer?"

[Joel]: "You tards! Will Rogers said that!"

[Alex]: "I'm sorry, Joel, I think *you're* the tard. Your answer was correct, but it had to be in the form of a question. No points for that round."

[[Joel] shows his middle finger to Alex]

[Alex]: "Still no points for that round, so let's move on to medicine for one hundred dollars. The hint is-- this drug calims to have helped millions, but has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration."

[Slutboy]: "What is crack?"

[Oso]: "What's Guinness?"

[Reilly]: "I got laid last week."

[Joel]: "What's religion?"

[Alex]: "Can you be more specific, Joel?"

[Joel]: "Yeah, what the [beep] is religion?"

[Alex]: "Sorry, that's not what we're looking for here. The correct answer is Alcoholix Anonymous."

[Joel]: "What the [beep] is that, Alex?"

[Alex]: "Umm, let's move onto the next topic, okay? The next topic for us is music for a hundred dollars. The clue is-- his multiplatinum album 'Thriller' earned him the title, King of Pop."

[Oso]: "Who was Elvis Presley? No, wait, it's GWAR!"

[Joel]: "Who is Max Cavalera of Sepultura?"

[Slutboy]: "Who's that guy who blew Bubbles?"

[Reilly]: "Bruce Springsteen. Who the hell was he? What about G.G. Allin?"

[Alex]: "No, I'm afraid none of your answers were right. [judge motions Alex offstage] Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed by our judges that we can, in fact, accept Slutboy's answer. The man in question is Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, and since he is alleged to have fellated his pet chimpanzee, we can accept Slutboy's answer. One hundred dollars goes to [Slutboy], who'll pick our next category."

[Slutboy]: "I'll take quotes for two hundred, phallus. I mean, Alex, sorry!"

[Alex]: "Uh huh, sure you are. Moving right along, the category is quotes for two hundred and the clue is-- What famous naval captain said, 'I have not yet begun to fight?' "

[Oso]: "Who is Rodney King?"

[Joel]: "Who is...me?"

[Reilly]: "Cap'n Crunch?"

[Slutboy]: "Who was Robert Hazlewood?"

[Alex]: "I'm sorry. The correct answer is Captain Jean-Paul Jones. No points that round either. Let's go to the next category in line: famous tards. The clue is-- Which tard movie character was immortalized last year when he was filmed on a park bench saying that life is like a box of chocolates?"

[Joel]: "The Unabomber."

[Slutboy]: "Who is Dr. Jack Kevorkian?"

[Oso]: "Who is Dr. Jack the Ripper?"

[Reilly]: "Who's Forrest Gimp."

[Alex]: "Well, I think Reilly was the closest...can our judges accept his...they can! One hundred dollars to Reilly, who'll pick our next category!

[Reilly]: "Bad-ass! Can I have the money now?"

[Alex]: "Let's wait until after the show, okay? You might win some more, you know?"

[Reilly]: "Okay, but I'd rather have the money now. Gimme famous tards again for two hundred."

[Alex]: "Okay, famous tards for two hundred it is. The hint is-- he was known in eighteenth century England as the Elephant Man, and alleged he was, 'Not an animal,' but a 'human being.' "

[Joel]: "Who is Michael Jackson?"

[Oso]: "Who is OJ Simpson?"

[Reilly]: "Forrest Gimp."

[Slutboy]: "Who was Mickey Mantle?"

[Alex]: "Nope, I'm sorry, drunkards. The correct answer is John Merrick. No points for that round, so let's go to medicine for two hundred dollars. The clue is-- this element is crucial for life when combined with Hydrogen."

[Slutboy]: "What is crack?"

[Reilly]: "What is Guinness?"

[Joel]: "Nitrous Oxide?"

[Oso]: "What's pussy?"

[Alex]: "The correct answer is Oxygen, you guys. Good god! How much did you each drink before coming on today's show?"

[Joel]: "What is a twelve pack?"

[Reilly]: "What are three 40-ozs?"

[Oso]: "How much is not enough?"

[Slutboy]: "Umm, what?"

[Alex]: "I don't believe it! All your answers for that question are correct! Judges!-- can we award points for that round? We can? Great! Tell you what-- I'll personally give each of you a hundred dollars to get the hell out of my studio right now. Does that sound alright?"

[Reilly]: "What is okay?"

[Joel]: "Why not?"

[Slutboy]: "What is 'Fork it over,' Alex?"

[Oso]: "Pay up and we're outta here."

[Alex produces cash from his wallet and the contestants are escorted from the studio.]