Anyone catch Geraldo today? Boy was that a fuckin' scream! Transcript is (loosely) as follows:

[Geraldo]: "Good day, everyone and welcome to Geraldo. It's been said that every man, or woman, has his or her respective passion, and never before has this been more evident than in the studio today. My guests today are self-confessed "drunken bastards" who congregate in an area of cyberspace known at alt.drunken.bastards. They're here today to describe what being a "drunken bastard" is all about, and we're also going to hear from a panel of experts who think that the activites of the drunken bastards are detrimental to the global community and those who surf the 'net. And perhaps we can determine what causes a person to gravitate towards such a virtual arena as the alt.drunken.bastards newsgroup on the Internet."

[Geraldo]: "Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to our guests today. Seated from left to right, please meet Alan Honeybourne from South Africa, his girlfriend Monica; Sondra Halperin from San Francisco, and...I don't have a last name for...well, this is Joel from Oklahoma City. Good morning, everyone."

[Alan]: "Cheers."
[Monica]: "'Allo."
[Sondra]: "Hi."
[Joel]: "My drink's empty."

[Geraldo]: "We'll get that taken care of in a minute, Joel. Tell me, were you around when the federal building--"
[Joel]: "I had absolutely nothing to do with that, Geraldo! I was in New York at the time and I can prove it! I was passed out when that happened. My friend Slutboy can alibi me."
[Geraldo]: "Slutboy?"
[Joel]: "What're you, [bleeped] deaf? Yeah, Slutboy. He's a Net-goth. I'm surprised you haven't had him on one of your earlier shows."
[Geraldo]: "Well, maybe we'll--"
[Joel]: "My drink's still empty. [turns to Sondra] Can I have some of yours?"
[Sondra hands Joel her glass and whispers something in his ear] "I was not!...my drink's empty that's all...okay, I'll shut up."

[Geraldo]: "You four represent the drunken bastards newsgroup. What causes a person to want to be considered a drunken bastard? Doesn't that seem a bit self-depreciating?"
[Alan]: "Not at all, Geraldo. Remember, it's all in good fun there. If nothing else, it's a way for a select group of individuals to assemble in an unbiased arena where almost anything goes."
[Geraldo]: "Anything? Like cyber-sex?"
[Alan]: "Well, no, not really."
[Joel]: "Gimme a [bleep] break, Geraldo. No, [jumps up] gimme a drink!"
[Sondra pinches Joel's rear end...very hard]
[Joel]: "[bleep]!! That hurt!"
[Sondra]: "Then sit down and behave!"
Alan + [Monica]: "Ha ha!"

[Geraldo]: "So, what you're saying, Alan, is that this newsgroup encourages some type of special moral behavior or maybe otherwise? Is that what you mean?"
[Alan]: "Well, I suppose it's moral if you're into drinking. Perhaps it doesn't go as deeply as you think. We don't encourage alcoholism or anything like that."
[Joel]: "I do!"
[Sondra]: "I think what Alan's trying to say here is that ADB, as we call it, is more of an open forum where we can exchange ideas, drink recipes and the like, and occasionally read a story about alcohol abuse or something like that."
[Joel]: "YEAH! Woohoo! Fat Weasel forever! Drink!"
[Alan]: "Drank! Drunk! Woohoo!"
[Sondra + Monica shake their heads]

[Geraldo]: "Who, may I be so bold to ask, is Fat Weasel?"
[Alan]: "A bot!"
[Geraldo]: "A what?"
[Sondra]: "That's short for robot. It's an automated program that keeps a different part of the Internet active for various other purposes. In this case, the bot's nickname is Fat Weasel and it allows the drunken bastards' chat room to remain active all the time."
[Geraldo]: "I see. So the drunken bastards are out to recruit members 24 hours a day, huh? Sounds pretty hi-tech." [laughs]
[Joel]: "You're a tard, Geraldo, you know that?"
[Geraldo]: "A what? Is that like a bot?"
[Joel]: "Close. You're both operating 24/7, aren't you?"
[Geraldo]: "I don't think I--"
[Joel]: "Save the choad!!"
[Geraldo]: "What's a ch--"
[Sondra]: "Never mind! Next question."

[Geraldo]: "Tell me, Alan. How many people are self-alleged drunken bastards? Is there going to be some kind of armed insurrection one day?" [laughs]
[Alan]: "I don't really know. I don't think so. I mean, there are several regulars-- people who frequently post messages and the like-- and there are probably hundreds of others who are what we call lurkers: those who read the messages and either reply to the original posters through private e-mail or who don't reply at all. So it's difficult to say how many people are involved in ADB with any specific degree of accuracy."

[Geraldo]: "Please try to guess, Alan. A hundred? Five hundred, maybe?"
[Joel]: "Between five and a five million. How's that for a guess?" [laughs]
[Alan]: "That sounds pretty accurate to me."
[Geraldo]: "I see. Well, mathematicians, you're not."
[Joel]: "[bleep] you, asshuffer!"
[Sondra]: "Yeah!" [laughs]

[Geraldo]: "Okay, well I can see where this is going. Why don't I buy you a few rounds during the commercial break and when we come back, we'll see what causes a casual compuer user to make the transition to full-blown drunken bastard. That's right: drunken bastards-- our focus on today's edition of Geraldo."
[Joel]: "Hey, why dontcha full-blow me, Ger--"

[fade away]
[commercial break]

[Geraldo]: "Welcome back. My guests today are self-confessed drunken bastards who say they have a neverending thirst for hard liquor and an incurable addiction to cyberspace."
[Joel]: "What a load of [bleep]! I never [bleep] said that!"
[Alan]: "That is taken a bit out of context, Geraldo, really."
[Monica]: "Bollocks. That's pure bollocks."
[Sondra]: "Why don't you let us do our own introduction next time, okay? You're not doing your guests much justice at all, Geraldo."

[Geraldo]: "Well, maybe I'll think about it when we're back from our next commercial break."
[Joel]: "Oh yeah, why don't you [bleep] think about this, [bleep]?
[Joel stands, unbuckles belt and begins to yank down his pants. Two stagehands jump onstage and subdue Joel, who by now is screaming obscenities]
[Joel]: "[bleep] [bleep] [bleep], you [bleep] [bleep]!!"
[Monica]: "Wow! He really is a headcase, Alan. You weren't kidding."
[Alan]: "Leave it up to the Okie to give us all a crappy reputation."
[Joel sits, finally, and resumes drinking one of the 40-ounces he acquired during the commercial break]

[Geraldo]: "Okay, well, with Joel's little tantrum out of the way, let's discuss more of what the drunken bastards do on the Internet. You've mentioned that you exchange drink recipes and share drinking stories, as well as chat with one another. What else do the drunken bastards do?"
[Alan]: "We're also into cannibalism and necrophilia."
[Monica]: "Yeah."
[Geraldo]: "Really?"
[Alan]: "No, you stupid git."
[Joel]: "Ha ha! Good one, Al! Hey, what's a git?"
[Sondra]: "There's a high honor that some of the DBs have, called the Designated Drinker, DD for short."
[Geraldo]: "I don't think I like the sound of that."
[Joel]: "I don't think I like the sound of you, Geraldo."
[Geraldo]: "Well, good for you, Joel. Why don't you just drink up and be quiet, okay?"
[Joel]: "Good idea. I think I will. Anybody got a smoke?"

[Geraldo]: "Tell me, Sondra, what exactly is a designated drinker?"
[Sondra]: "Well, a designated drinker, there is typically only one, sometimes two (one and an alternate) for a specific region of any city. The more crowded cities tend to have more than one DD..."
[Geraldo]: "I see. Go on."
[Sondra]: "As I was saying, the DD's responsibilities include being able to go out for a night of drinking with very little notice, especially if other DBs are visiting from out of town. In addition, the DD must never refuse a drink or become violent when drunk."
[Geraldo]: "Fascinating. Are you the DD for your area?"
[Sondra]: "In a way, yeah, I suppose so. I mean, I can't always go out drinking with only a moment's notice, though."
[Joel]: "I can!"
[Geraldo]: "Well, some of us have more important things to do, Joel."
[Monica]: "Why don't you get off your throne, King Geraldo?"
[Joel]: [unintelligible]

[Geraldo]: "Okay, well, I can see that my guests today could use another round of refills, so let's break for a few minutes and we'll return with two guests who think that the drunken bastards are speeding down a one-way path of self-destruction. Drunken bastards, our focus on today's Geraldo."

[fade away]
[commercial break]

[Geraldo]: "Welcome back to the program. In the studio today are four representatives of the underground electronic cult known as the alt.drunken.bastards, whose sole purpose seems to be drinking as much alcohol as possible and causing trouble in the world around them. They're local, national, international, destructive, and they're drunk."

[Alan]: "Who the bloody hell wrote that?"
[Joel]: "Not me...no swearing in that one."
[Sondra]: "Oh puh-lease!"
[Monica]: "Whotta twit."

[Geraldo]: "Okay, drunken bastards, please meet two people who think your opinions of fun are just not that happenin.' This Dr. Ron C. Richards and Dr. Marilyn C. Deuce. Both doctors practice at the Beth Israel Medical Center's chemical dependency division and each has a new book out which outlines the symptoms of alcohol and drug abuse in today's younger society, as well as giving tips on how parents can stop their kids from becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol."

[Joel]: "[bleep] you! I'm not addicted to anything."
[Sondra]: "Except, maybe, swearing."
[Alan]: "What a couple-a wankers."
[Monica]: "Choads."
[Joel]: "Alright, Monica!" [burps, causes an uproar in the audience]

[Geraldo]: "Doctors, what in your opinion, makes a person become a drunken bastard? Do we have society to blame? The disintegration of the family? Wherein do the problems lie?"
[Dr. Richards]: "I'd have to say the problem lies in--"
[Joel]: "Too much [bleep] cheap beer for me, that's what!" [audience laughs, Geraldo scowls at Joel]
[Geraldo]: "That's enough! And put out that cigarette!"
[Alan]: "Yeah! What's with this brew called Schaeffer? I'm not familiar with it. Is it as disgusting as you allege?"
[Sondra]: "It's really bad. Really."
[Joel]: "Oh yeah, it absolutely sucks. I drink it all the time! Between Bud and Schaeffer, I don't know which makes me sicker."
[Monica]: "Oh now, there's a nice thought."
[Joel]: "I'm not *that* bad when I'm really trashed."
[Sondra]: "Oh yeah? I've got two words for you, [Joel]: Thanksgiving Keg. Remeber that?"
[Joel]: "Um, actually no, I don't."
[Sondra]: "I rest my case."
[Joel]: "Heh heh!" [gulps more beer]

[Geraldo]: "If the drunkards would care to how it down for a minute, we can hear the answers to my questions about--"
[Joel]: "I've got a better idea [bleep], why don't you hold this down?" [Joel grabs crotch, audience goes crazy, laughing. Same two stagehands advance towards Joel]
[Joel]: "Stay back, or I'll puke on you!" [Joel crams his fingers into his mouth] "I'm serious!" [the stagehands stop; Geraldo waves the goons offstage]

[Geraldo]: "Okay, why don't we all calm down here? This is starting to get a little bit out of control."
[Sondra]: "I think that's exactly the way Joel likes it."
[Joel]: "Yeah! More drinks, Geraldo! Or I'll throw a chair at you!"
[Alan]: "He'll probably do it, too. Your better find some swill to quench his thirst, and fast."
[Joel]: "Where the hell's my [bleep] knife?"
[Monica]: "It was confiscated at the door to the green room after you pissed in the corner, remember?"
[Joel]: "Oh yeah, that's right!" [laughs]

[Geraldo]: "Moving right along...Doctors, what would compel a person to actually want to fit the description of a drunken bastard? Has our society deteriorated so far as to warrant such behavior as normal and tolerable? Are these people really just attention-starved individuals looking for an identity? Is that what fuels their efforts? Do they simply want to fit in anywhere they can?"
[Dr. Richards]: "Umm, what?"
[Dr. Deuce]: "Well, I think that...that...oh hell, I don't know. It's all outlined in my book, Swill Beer to Boot Hill, the Life and Times of a Drunkard."
[Joel]: "Catchy title! But those geeks look like they're full of [bleep]."
[Sondra]: "I'd buy it. My desk at work leans and that book looks like a nice leg support."
[Alan]: "Yeah, why not? I could put it to good use. I'd wipe my ass with the pages."
[Joel]: "Ha ha! There ya go!"
[Monica]: "That'll do, Alan."
[Joel]: "Hey Alan, watch this--" [Joel empties beer bottle and squints at the doctors, as if taking aim]

[Geraldo]: "Well, Bobby tells me it's time for a commercial break. We'll be right back, on Geraldo."

[fade away]
[commercial break]

[Geraldo]: "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't really know how to explain what happened while we were away on commercial break, so I'm going to let Dr. Richards explain what happened. Doctor Richards..."

[Dr. Richards]: "Thanks, Geraldo. I'll describe what happened in layman's terms, so everyone in your studio audience, as well as those watching at home, can understand. Basically, the one foul- mouthed guest, the one who threw the bottle at me--"
[Geraldo]: "That would be Joel."
[Dr. Richards]: "Right. Well, it seems to me that Joel is suffering from either feelings of intense grandeur and/or a strong sense of persecution, and such feelings manifest themselves through unprovoked violent outbursts and occasional ramblings in a language that it seems only he can understand. This activity is fueled by excessive consumption of alcohol and may be the reason why he insists upon being well-armed at all times."
[Geraldo]: "Those are layman's terms?"
[Dr. Richards]: "They are, sort of."
[Dr. Deuce]: "You know, Richards, I always thought you were a bit of a tard. What he was trying to say, Geraldo, is that Joel doesn't trust anyone who doesn't drink a lot of beer and he'll make sure that he surrounds himself with only like-minded people: other beer-drinkers."

[Geraldo]: "I see. So why was Joel shouting something about killing Dr. Richards before he was chased out of the studio by security?"

[Dr. Deuce]: "That, I don't know. I thought I heard Joel saying words to the effect that he had finally caught up to someone named RC Richards, but Dr. Richards here [motions] doesn't go by the first two initials of his name. That may have been some of Joel's paranoia setting in, but then again, it may have been his severe state of intoxication as well. I suppose we'll never know."

[Geraldo]: "I suppose not."

[Geraldo]: "Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. We tried to welcome the drunken bastards into our forum today, but I guess were weren't hip enough, cool enough, or just plain drunk enough to warrant their presence. I thought I heard Alan mention something about their group staggering off to a local bar, right before Joel got a little bit too rowdy and had we had to expel him. By the time I knew what was happening, Joel was being chased out the fire exits of our studio, the two female drunken bastards were gone, along with several of our fire extinguishers, and Alan snuck into the green room and made off with the entire liquor tray the guests had requested before coming onto the show."

[Geraldo]: "This is not the type of behavior we have come to expect here on the Geraldo Show, and I if the drunken bastards are watching, well, I hope you're happy with how poorly you've represented your friends and the internet community here today. This is Geraldo Rivera, signing off. We'll see you on Monday. Have a good weekend, everybody."