"Which leads to my next predicament: I have foolishly or otherwise got into a bet which should prove interesting: One of the woman involved is a social smoker (max of 2-3 smokes per day) I don't touch cigarettes (mouth reserved for intake of alcohol) which resulted in the following challenge - I have to match her cigarette for beer and after every six a certain amount of exercise has to be done. First to quit loses. I buy cigarettes, she buys beers. What have I got to lose?
"So what cigarettes should I buy? and what exercise will really get the heart and lungs working without inducing reverse peristalsis? Obviously the more vigorous the excercise, the faster the alcohol should be processed and the more I should be able to drink; as for the smoking, I don't think the same applies. This does sound like serious bodily harm territory but as Liam says, there's a banner to be held high."
Gonz suggested this:
"Not knowing what kind of shape either of you are in, and as to whether she has to match you in reps and style (i.e. if you choose pushups, does she have to have the same form and same number of reps. Men tend to have more upper body strength than women, so this kind of a challenge might not be fair.)
"Now, if she is an aerobics instructor, you probably don't want something that will involve a lot of aerobic activity. And, since you'll have a lot of beer in you (the sheer amount of fluid intake will be your enemy, not the amount of booze in the beer), you probably want to stay away from anything that involves bending, e.g. situps, squat thrusts. Jumping around, a la jumping jacks, would not be a good idea either. You don't want to see your beer a second time, if you catch my drift.
"So, the question then is, what is an exercise that would be fair for a male and a female to compete in, and what will not cause you great stomach pain during and after the exercise. Thinking back to my Army days, I can only come up with one exercise that would not only fit the critera listed above but would add a lot of humor to the event: arm twirls.
"Now, you're saying, that is totally stupid, but, let me expound. These are not the wild arm twirls where you're just flailing your arms around wildly. These are very controled, very tight arm twirls, arms out straight, in quick and small circular motions, in cadence with eath other. Put a 5 minutes time limit on it. For the first minute, you'll be laughing at each other, ho ho ho, isn't this fun. By the end of the second minute, you'll both feel a little pain in the shoulders. By the 4th minutes, you'll both be looking at the sky wondering when the fuck this will be over, and after 5 minutes, your arms will flop to your side, you'll both be sweating, the crowd will be hooting and hollering in ecstatic laughter, and she will be so out of breath she'll *need* another cigarette. And, it will not have taxed your beer filled gut.
"Well, that's my suggestion. It might sound really foolish to do this, but to a trial run while either drunk or sober, and you'll see that it's not as easy as it sounds (Unless you're John Duic, of course). Plus, it's fair to both man and woman. "Any other suggestions?"
Gonz
(Fuck! I hated arm twirls almost as much as squat thrusts!)
Date: 26 Nov 96
From: Darsy
Gonz writes:
Plus, it's fair to both man and woman.Well, taking a page outta our own Dave Kelley's book I suggest a headbutting competition. Either that or endurance shagging.
Any other suggestions?
Date: 27 Nov 96
From: Dave Kelley
Darsy wrote:
Well, taking a page outta our own Dave Kelley's book I suggest a headbutting competition. Either that or endurance shagging.Yes!!! Darsy knows me all too well.
As the - so far - undisputed ADB headbutting champ, I can definitely vouch for its capacity to do a couple of things. First, it will in no way affect your alcohol-filled belly, and will actually be enhanced by massive booze induction. Second, even if she's Miss Fitness Universe or whatever, physical conditioning means nothing when you're discussing headbutting, where sheer will and high pain tolerance is all that matters.
Here's how you do it, by the Official Rules of Bar Headbutting (tm), which I wrote.
Each player should stand toe-to-toe, facing one another. Extend your arms directly in front of you and grab onto each others' shoulders. This will give you plenty of space to build up a good head of steam prior to impact (pun intended), but not enough to really kill each other.
The headbutting should commence on the count of three, with both combatants butting simultaneously. Deliberate butting of the nose - which is highly effective - is ILLEGAL. For everyone's safety, you should try to whack foreheads, as though you were heading a soccer ball.
The game is declared over when one person either begs for mercy or begins bleeding.
Alan, for your purposes, I wouldn't go for blood after every six beers, but would instead use a 5-butt limit.
Dave
Who knew years of rugby would teach me at least one useful skill...
Date: 27 Nov 96
From: Leaf
As the Official, Dave... does headbutting a wall count? Or a keyboard? Or the table... ?
Leaf
I've all the above... not neccessarily intentionally
Date: 28 Nov 96
From: Dave Kelley
Leaf wrote:
As the Official, Dave... does headbutting a wall count? Or a keyboard? Or the table... ?Technically, you don't get total credit for headbutting an inanimate object unless your headbutt renders that object incapable of performing it's appointed duty. (Like if you headbutt a door down, or bust a table, or shatter a keyboard.)
Walls are particularly hard to put completely out of commission, but they DO make excellent headbutt practice partners.
Dave
Warming up for the speed round...