You know you're a Drunken Bastard when......
1. you never have a hangover (because your always tanked) 2. empty beer bottles serve as home decorations 3. you always piss clear 4. tequila worms fear your name 5. you're on the liquor stores mailing list 6. the only time you read newspapers is to find the cheapest beer in town 7. find its easier to study drunk 8. you have a top 10 beer list 9. the only goal you have is to drink a 6-pack everyday 10. you start to prefer puking up one beer over another 11. you have a notch on your belt for every keggar you've been to 12. you're on your fifth liver transplant operation 13. Saint Patrick's day comes around and everybody already knows you're Irish 14. all girls look hot at the party 15. you're on a first name basis at the detoxification center 16. empty kegs serve as a pretty cool television stand 17. you think drinking light beer is like making love to a woman in a canoe....just too damn close to water 18. you think somethings wrong because the room stopped spinning 19. you write a top 20 drunken bastard list from your own experiences 20. you take communion and go back for seconds
21. you have to hold on to the grass to keep you from falling off the earth.BLACAS61@MAINE.MAINE.EDU
22. You spend Wednesday night sending ridiculous messages to people on the
Internet ending with, "By the way, what are you drinking?"Yvette Lund
23. in the morning your hair hurts and you think that someone has painted a base coat of fuzz on your tongue.24. no woman is ugly at last call.
25. you frequently urinate outdoors.
Mike Engel
26. The only reason that you cuddle up to the Mrs. is to cop her Bud Light.Mike Hill
27. beer ads make sense.Danny Marquardt
28. You are so dehydrated from drinking that your genitals are shrunken
into your body and you can't see them.BigJoe
29. When you are reading the beer page while you are in schoolJordan Novick
30. You get the "Frequent Rider Discount" on the Porcelain Bus.Sean Johnson
31. You vist this site every night because you were too shit faced the night before to remember!Frank Viggiano
32. you go to brush something from your shoulder and it turns out to be the floor!Eugene & Lorraine Barden
33. You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.Dan Sonye
34. Your sporting heroes are George Best, Alex Higgins, and Jimmy Greaves."Daragh O'Shaughnessy"
35. [You] wake you the next moring and drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.emory s. lawson
36. when you apologize to the nice lady in the restroom, only to find out it was actually the janitors closet!GARY SMITH
37. You know you're a drunken bastard when,for the first 5 minutes of your shower, no water hits the tub, because it is absorbing into your dehydrated skinEric belmont
38. you have to send your old lady to the beer store that's 40 minutes away, on a Sunday, because you were too STUPID to buy enough beer for the week-end!Cliff Surette
39. You can belch the alphabet forwards and backwards, then follow it with a stirring rendition of the National Anthem.John
40. ... after a night out, you often have more furniture than you did the day before.Jeff
41. You get the operator to give you an early morning wake up call to make sure you're at the pub for opening time.
42. When you shit blood.MR N C COBB
43. The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
44. You get the 2 at 10p.m. and the 10 at 2a.m. syndrom every time you go to the bar.
45. You find yourself saying " Honesly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" and your snickering at his funny hat.
46. You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
47. While your laying upside down on the steps you've just fallin down you decide to do your impression of a water cooler!robert hodge jr.
48. ...your "Missing" photo appears on a bottle of scotch instead of a milk carton.
49. ...the number one characteristic of your dream girl is that she owns a liquor store.
50. ...your Family Tree is firmly planted in the front lawn of the Betty Ford Clinic.
51. ...you need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.Steve Aitchison
52. the only workout you get, is the trip to the fridge, then the trip to the john..SAXON
53. you tell your mom to stay out of your room 'cuz she'll drink it on meRedbull
54. you finally return all those beer bottles and you leave the liqour store two thousand dollars richer.mcginlog@mars.ark.com
55. there is photographic evidence that you didn't know about
56. metho begins to taste like Vodka
57. you find it challenging not to have toilet marathons
58. your mom asks who you went out with last night and you say Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.
59. You wake up, open your eyes and you both say "shit did I shag that?!"
60. you find yourself making a rum and coke at mcdonalds.
61. you kiss your girlfriends neck insearch of spilt beer.
62. you start to think that Popov tastes good.
63. you mix your coctails by the liter.
64. you think your a genius because you found a way to make a beer funel
out of a used douche.
65. you grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
66. you put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic zen like
piss.
67. you watch amatures getting drunk with the glee of a redneck watching a
cock fight.
68. the liqour store owner has your order ready and waiting before you even
come in.
69. if beer companies gave frequent flyer miles you would own an airline.
70. your fiends call you at noon to ask if you want to go out drinking that
night and you have to refuse because your already too tanked to drive.
71. you find yourself substituting irish cream for milk on your wheaties.
72. your life savings is contained in an empty fosters can.
73. the closest you've come to a 12-step program is the walk to the toilet when you have to piss.
74. "You know your're a drunken bastard when you wake up in the morning with
rice up your nostrils, yellow-brown patches over your clothing, and a new
set of ethnic salt & pepper pots" [note: This message may not mean much to you guys
in the States but will immediaitely ring true to all us Brits......]
75. you do not remember receiving a speeding ticket the night before
until the next night you reach into your wallet for money and it finally
dawns on you that you had a "very close call" the night before with the
"occifer".
76. you reach into your wallet the next night at the bar
and find a speeding ticket from the night before and it finally dawns on
you that they had you sitting in the back seat of the squad car that does
not have any inside door handles
77. you get so liquored up you pass out while admiring the stars...
and fall from the third floor balcony.
78. You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour
later you're afraid you won't.
79. every pub, beer store, and liquor store in town
sends you a Christmas card.
80. the police name the drunk tank after you
81. you're on a first-name basis with every bartender in town
82. you have a private parking spot at the liquor/beer store
83. You fall asleep taken a dump.
84. When people start yelling "turn him over...he'll die like Jimi
Hendrix"
85. the store you buy beer at holds your 2 cases a night at the front
counter for you because they know you can't make it to the back of the
store
86. when you walk into a frat party at Radford University and everyone
stops what they're doing to yell your name.
87. you use the automatic teller 37 times so you can get some
statements to use for toilet paper when you shit in the road
88. you puke your lungs as a palette cleanser
89. your kidneys hurt but you figure a few schooners should take care of it
90. you go to bed with Cindy Crawford but wake up with Ru Paul
91. Formula 1 teams call you offering big dollars for your urine
92. you find yourself reading, or especially, writing a homepage devoted to
the subject.
93. you drag your balls over ten miles of broken glass just to sniff the
tire tracks of the truck delivering the last beer to your county before
it goes dry.
94. Breakfast becomes cold pizza and another stubby
95. you have actually read this entire list-and enjoyed it.
96. other people say "you are too drunk !!". And you say "No I'm not drunk at all!!".
97. when you are pouring some beer in your hand and your friend asks,
"What are you doing?", and you say, "I'm giving my date a drink!".
98. you find that puking allows you to continue drinking for a couple more hours.
99. your patio furniture has the "Property of" label of every bar
you've been to.
100. You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself
to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a
Bishop to behave..."
101. you tear the little plastic pouring spout out of your
half gallon of booze because it's not coming out fast enough.
102. you need to shut one eye just to see double.
103. you read this entire list and wonder what all the fuss is about.
104. you send your liver out to get dry-cleaned regularly.
105. your organ donor recipient wakes up with a hangover.
106. it takes 6 weeks to put the fire out after your cremation.
107. you wake up vaguely remembering
throwing up the night before and see your friend wondering why his shoes
are filled with vomit and Sour Cream Bugles.
108. you take brewery tours more often than you visit your relatives
109. When apologizing, about the aquarium or the glass coffee table, to the host of
every party that you crash, becomes an automatic habit.
110. The bouncer dosent ask for id, but says "You really like this place, dont you?"
111. You have to practically tackle the barmaid to change your order cause when she sees you getting up, she starts pouring.
112. Your counter lunch is twice the size of everyone elses.
113. When the girl with you topples from to much alcohol and the first thing you and her boyfriend do is check that the glasses you were smuggling out in her handbag are okay
114. When the same girl fell over, her shoes also fall off.......and you find nothing wrong with that.
115. anything anyone says immediately becomes a drinking euphemism
to you.
116. you're muttering "oh please... oh PLEASE" as you frequent the
alt.drunken.bastards home page in search of the next C.C. date.
117. You keep having "good" nights out with your mates but none of you can
piece together what actually happened. An really good night is as above with the
addition of unexplained multiple injuries.
118. you reason with people by saying "sure drinking kills brain cells, but
only he weak ones"
119. When you stop drinking your faorite liquor/beer for a week and that
company's stock drops %50 that same week.
120. Beer brewries come to you for advice.
121. You go home with a fine-looking, long-haired blonde and wake up next to
the San Diego Chicken.
122. You have more traffic cones than the Department of Transportation.
123. You know more drinks than the bartender.
124. You piss on the grill instead of using lighter fluid.
125. You cut yourself to drink something stronger than a Long Island.
126. You're dumb enough to come home sober and you get attacked by your dog.
127. When you come home and spend ten frustrating minutes trying to change
channels on the T.V., only to find you still have the garage door opener in your hand
128. -You find yourself saying,"This stuffz not to bad!" and look down at the
bottle in your hand to see the words Zima
129. -You don't understand what the fuss about Virtual Reality is because all
you need be in your own little world is a bottle of Wild Turkey
130. -too many unknown kids come up to you on the street and call you "daddy!"
131. -You ask your Boss if you can be paid in six-packs
132. when you rip up your clothes just to make bar buddie puppets.
133. when calling Ralph doesn't mean using the telephone.
134. when warshiping the porceline god includes communion in the bathroom.
135. You get a mysterious 'phone call at work asking for your home address.
It turns out to be a bar you frequent holding it's 4th anniversary party
and they want to know where to send the invite...
136. you buy pepto-bismol on a daily basis.
137. your only bragging right is the enormous number of keg push-ups you can
do.
138. ...you explain to your bank manager that you speant your overdraft
"mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted".
139. When you feel the need to wave to every passing beer truck...possibly
even blowing them a little kiss as they pass on by...
140. Your friend strikes a match to light a cigarette and you think a low--yield nuke jus wnent off!
141. You ask the bartender when you're not cut off anymore
142. you're willing to drink a can of natural light ice.
143. your friends call you "the alcoholic" and you don't care.
144. you haven't driven your car in weeks cuz you weren't sober enough.
145. *your toilet has a customised chin rest and handles.
146. *you bite your tongue and it tastes like a pickle.
147. You go to the bar to get drunk, not to hit on the women.
148. ...you kick your girlfriend out of bed in order to sleep with your
wastebasket.
149. ...the wastebasket isn't big enough and you sleep with an empty five
gallon pail of fertilizer.
150. The liquor store gives you complimentary ice.
151. You quite smokin' pot to buy more King Cobra (or Special Brew in England)
152. an eye-opener in the morning changes from a cup of coffee to last
night's bar tab receipt.
153. You talk to your friend for five minutes after the taxi leaves, and he thinks you are still in the taxi.
154. You find yourself telling the bouncer "But I walk this way normally!"
155. You host a party and pass out several hours before the end.
156. When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
157. I'm hungry so I think I'd better get a drink instead
lynne on #adb
158. You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
159. You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
160. You find yourself licking the spilled whiskey over the pavement of main
street after some other drunken bastard dropped and broke the bottle.
161. ... you have a list of reasons why a beer is better than woman.
162. ...you find you and your friends making frequent trips to the nearest
interstate overpass to see who can piss on the most vehicles.
163. ...you find a true "drinking buddy" is one who will buy the beer and drink
socially while you proceed to get sloshed.
164. ...you rate women by the number of beers needed to make you want to get on
her.
165. ...you make a complex game out of throwing empty bottles at signs.
166. ...you find it funny that your puke is neon colored.
167. ...you gag yourself to throw up then are able to lick off the puke left on
your finger.
168. ..you regularly wake to the greeting "Guess what YOU did last night!"
169. ..you go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
170. Your morning breath keeps the house free of bugs
171. The pub goes broke cos you've left town.
172. The pub is named in honour of you.
173. You start pissing in the empty stubbies cos you're too pissed to walk.
174. A network does a scientific doumentary on you to determine the prolonged
effects of alcohol, and pronounce you as scientifically dead.
175. You begin feeding the kids on Black Jim Beam because it's piss weak.
176. you shit ashes and piss yellow dust.
177. you wonder why you have a bag of books on the floor and wonder how you
got in this strange hotel, and why no one comes to clean it.
178. ... the only reason you have a job is to pay your bar tab.
179. ... you know for a fact that your tab alone paid the bar's rent for the
month.
180. ... Guinness Extra Stout tastes like Coor's Light.
181. ... you miss reading #adb, but you had to pawn your computer for beer
money.
182. ... your favorite bar serves 132 varieties of beer, and you've tried
them all, this week.
183. ... your ideal woman is the one that can outdrink you.
184. You ask for a beer at the bar, and the give you a Tuborg Gold (a strong
beer).
185. You are a Dane!!
186. You think it's a bad night because you didn't puke.
187. You think it was a bad night because you can remember where you where.
188. You never drink and drive cause you might spill some.
189. You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
190. you think South Australian beer actually tastes good.
191. the bottle shop closes down because you've moved town.
192. Life is good. I am drunk. This is all I ask.
193. When you put alka seltzer in your drink to cure your hangover.
194. Or, if you have ever given your mother a case of beer for Mother's day.
195. Or, if you only look for apartments that are close to your favorite bars...
196. You have deep intellectual conversations of the brillance of Olde
English 40's
197. You think of beer during masturbation.
198. you have that dream where you're drinking in your sleep and you cant
sleep because your drinking in your sleep and you wake up, and your drinking.
199. I DON'T GET DRUNK ANYMORE, I JUST SOBER UP 1 OR 2 AFTERNOON A MONTH
200. you don't want to have sex with your girlfriend because it cuts into
your drinking time.
201. you look at the many bottles on your table and say "I couldn't have
drank those all by myself", then go get another beer..
202. you start drinking scope instead of rumplemintz
203. You go and talk to a girl, make a total idiot of yourself in the sure hope you wont have to face the consequenses. The next morning you realise you went to school with her. Later that week you realise she reakognised you.......
204. - upon entering your neighborhood pub, the bartender calls a cab to be
delivered at closing time.
205. - when friends try to convice you that drinking a 26 of vodka straight from
the bottle might be a bad idea, you reply, "oh don't worry, it NEVER hits me!"
206. - you realize it's called 151 in regards to how many days it will take you
to recouperate.
207. - the pub you frequent is conveniently located in the lobby of a hotel, and
every night someone is paid to wait to escort you safely to your room.
208. - you are always the last person up and drinking at the party.
209. - a common phrase is, "good thing we bought more beer for after the bar!"
210. - a dreaded phrase is, "damn, we should have got more beer for after the bar!"
211. - you know exactly how much everything at the liquor store costs, before and
after taxes.
212. - you plan your social events for the week around drink specials at bars.
213. - you can relate to most of these!!!
214. When you use Cuervo™ as a sex lube.
215. ... your natural instinct is to go to the fire escape to piss instead of the john.
216. ... when you spend the next day passed out on the bathroom floor, rolled up in a Canadian flag, with your head aimed at the toilet.
217. ... when doing a keg stand you can finish the keg in one attempt.
218. you feel like you have to stop drinking or die, so you go to bed sober
for the first time in months, and wake up feeling so healthy and
refreshed you end up drinking twice your normal amount.
219. ...The color of your urine after a long night of drinking strongly
resembles that of radiator coolant...
220. ...You grab your slingshot and go out on the prowl for the cat you're
convinced shit in your mouth while you were sleeping...
221. ...you tell a concerned nurse at a party "Oh, it's OK, I pass out in the
recovery position". Then she comes up to you the next morning and says
"You were right, I checked"
222. When you go to church just for the Holy Wine
223. ....you put your cat to bed and throw out your wife.
224. ....when the brewery lowers its flag to half mast the day of your
funeral.
225. ....the drunk tank has a plaque with your name on it.
226. .... "last call" instead of taps is played at your funeral.
227. ...."last call" was the one you made before they locked the cell door.
228. You say to the traffic police officer "Honestly Drinkstable, I havn't had
a Cunt all night!"
229. You know your a DB when you realize that Pepsi/Coke tastes terrible
without Jack Danials.