230. you find that the tonly reason for buying a pickup truck instead of a car
deals withthe fact that pickups can haul more kegs.
231. the Budweiser Frogs are petitioning to have you become their fourth member.
232.your only excuse for not killing yourself is that there is still beer left
in the world to drink.
233. your definition of a high-speed accident involves drooling while doing a
funnel or keg-stand
234. you avoid elevatoors because the motion might make you puke.
235. drinking and driving laws are specifically aimed at getting you arrested,
prosecuted, and executed.
236. you think the death penalty wouldn't be so bad if the condemned party got
to drink a forty before he/she died.
237. you find yourself putting a coaster on the small of your partner's back.
238. When you are so drunk you do a street show in New Orleans and actually get paid!
239. There are thirsty people in Ethiopia and you want a COKE!!!!
240. You automatically fall asleep lying on your side with your mouth over the
edge of the bed.
241. Your payment for babysitting is a half bottle of vodka, a bottle of pepsi
and a spliff.
242. You and your friends have long involved conversations about how none of
you are really alcoholics - while sitting in the pub.
243. You wake up not knowing how you got home from the bar.
244. You can't figure out where you left your car last night.
245. You wake up with a ringing in your ears, from you so-called friends lighting
off M-80s under you bed in a futile attempt to wake you up for a beer run.
246. When you spend twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to start your car, only
to realize its not your car you're sitting in.
247.When you wake up next to the most beautiful women you ever seen, and can't
remember her name, what you did together, and most importantly how you got
her to your place in the first place.
248.When you wake up so drunk, that you fall down in the shower, and
consequently have to call in sick.
249. When you sick days are know as the beer flu to you co-workers.
250. When a women is hinting at a party that she wants you to go out to her car
with her, and your so drunk you won't go, because you think What she can't
find it herself?
251. When you're in college and go home to visit your drinkin' buddies, wake
up after the visit and don't ever remember leaving the campus!! (true
story)
253. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TAKE A PISS AND THE NEXT
MORNING YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN BED WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND'S PARENTS.
254. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TAKE A PISS AND THE NEXT
MORNING YOU REALIZE YOU NEVER LEFT YOUR BED.
255. YOUR DOG IS LICKING YOUR FACE AS YOU LAY ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR LIVING ROOM
AND SUDDENLY YOU REMEMBER, 'I DON'T HAVE A DOG!'
256. IT WASN'T A DOG, IT IS SOME UGLY GUY, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT IN
YOUR LIVING ROOM
257. you know that you're a drunken bastard when you name your kid samuel
adams.
258. You're boss calls the local bar and asks the bartender if you'll make it in to work
the next day.
259. when THC stands for "the Total Hang over Cure"
260. You try to pick up women ten years older with the line "Are you seriously thirty?"
261. You do something to a bouncer, he turns around ready to smack someones head in, sees it's
you and just sorta laughs and walks off shaking his head. (incidently I am 5'10" and about 150lb. He
wasnt scared of me.......)
262. You try to pick up women here (brown hair, hazel eyes, seeks loving female to share a six pack.)
[editor's note: This was a very shameless plug for a personal add, but I'm not above putting it in here. And, if it works, you can expect me to put on here, too.]
263. You look at an empty pot glass, and suddenly smash it on your head.
264. You look around the night club and realise you are the only non-staff there.
265. You suddenly blurt out in the middle of conversation (with females present) "Hey, do you think
she's wearing underwear?"
266. You wake up and spend an hour trying to work out what you want to do: either Piss, Fart, Crap or
Vomit? Then you realise you have to go tO the same room, reguardless of what you want to do.
267. the energy you have only enables you to get to the cooler and nothing
else.
268. A vampire get buzzed after sucking your blood.
269. your at a party and end up with one of your shoes and one of someone
elses.
270. you believe that people die driving drunk because the don't practice driving
drunk
271. it takes you an hour to walk a 1/4 of a mile
272. you have to check the stamps on your hand to remeber which bars you went to
273. you get drunk and fall off a cliff in to the ocean (UC-Santa Barbra)
274. you keep a list of different beers you've had
275. You fall out of bed and don't get up because there isn't any beer left
anyway, so what's the point?
276. You have two bathtubs, one for bathing and one you use as a distillery.
277. It's finals week and you can't take your tests because you've been drunk
so long you've forgotten what classes you're in.
278. You're so drunk you can't finish...
279. you leave a keg on your front porch so you will never run out of beer!!
280. You're reading this list while preparing for a big meeting at work, but
it takes a long time to get through it because you have to keep going to
the bathroom to puke...
281. You are drunk ,sitting in class and you find this SHIT so funny you disturb the class
282. when you say that THUNDERBIRD taste good(THUNDERBIRD is nasty as hell!!!!!
283. your wife wakes you up and tells you to close your mouth the bedroom smells
like a brewrey.
284. the bottle shop guy kisses the ground you walk on.
285. 911 sounds more like the number of stubbies you drank last night
286. you're that hungry that you find a heap of licorice pizzas to eat,
only to find in the morning that you've eaten you're record collection
287. ...You take the ferry from Dover to Calais just to buy duty-free liquor.
288. When you start an A.A. group called Alamore...for the Alcoholic who
wants to drink more. It's a 10 year program with two 15 year follow ups!
289. Your'r on a first name basis with every traffic cop in you state and the
3 bordering it...
290. When you wake up in the morning in seacrh of the cat that
shitted in you mouth.
291. When you are convinced that beer is the perfect subsitute
bread.
292. When you can distingush brands of beer just by the smell.
293. When you would rather piss yourself than give up your barstool.
294. when all your buddies have gone out to get drunk and you didn't feel
like it so you go and buy a 12 pack of beer and a 26'er of vodka to stay
home and relax.
295. you fall asleep with a beer in your, not spill a drop, and wake up the next
morning and drink it.
296. you whistle your favourite march melody in the morning, expecting those
little dwarfs to march out of your mouth and take along their hammers.
297. You read 250 of these things just to convince yourself that everybody
drinks alot and that you're not an alcoholic.
298. You puke in your mouth and swallow it while hitting on a girl, and pretend
like nothing happened!
299. You have to report your car stolen, because you forget where you left it.
300. You report your car stolen and then find it in your driveway!
301. When you have to get all your friends together from the night before in
order to put together all the bits and pieces of everyone's memory.
302. You know once you all get together, YOU'LL be getting together again
tomorrow!
303. when you are driving home from cowboys and your friends says "can you
see the road" and you say "yes" and she says "good, because i can't" and
she is driving off the road and we are heading towards the ditch.
304. you makeout with your best friend and don't remember it.
305. You wake up at noon and your idea of lunch is another "sandwich in a
can"
306. ...you stop brushing your teeth in the morning because the toothpaste
clashes with the taste of your beer.
307. You have all your mail forwarded to the local bar.
308. The beer truck stops off at your house before the delivery to the bars
and liquor stores.
309. Your favorite bar puts an addition on the back for you to live.
310. You don't go to the bar for one night and there is a search party
looking for you.
311. You wake up one morning and you realize you're at the wrong house,then
go to call a friend and realize you're in the wrong state.
312. You count the money in your wallet by the number of beers you can buy.
313. You get up in the morning and your tongue needs a shave worse than your
face.
314. ...you constantly wake up on your front and it feels like your arms and
legs have been cut off cos you can't feel any of them!!
315. ...you get a cab, and after forty minute of driving god knows where,
you end up back where you started.
316. ...after drinking half bottle of Mexican Tequllia, you wake up the next
mornig with different clothes on, and the old clothes are lying in heap
soaking wet. You never left the house either, you think?
317. ...instead of wasting alcohol before taking a cruise ship back home, you
and one friend decide to slam a two liter worth if rum and coke in less
than ten minutes.
318. ...can't remember your date's name after drinking 20 drinks.
319. ...decide that the toilet is not a good place to take a leak, and
procede to try to piss on your friend's shoes.
320. ...get-up at 5 A.M. to drink green beer all day.
(continued)...pass out at 7 P.M., wake-up at 11p.m. and go get drunk
again!
321. ... every morning you ask your friends what happened the night before.
322. ... ar so drunk that you can't find your friend's house, but you know
where they live.
323. ... go to the hospital for an injury that you don't know how you got.
324. ... make it regular habbit to make-out with girls while dancing and
proceding, the next morning, to aks your freinds what they looked like.
325. ... say "she was a little bigger than I'm used to."
326. ... can fill up the recyling bin in one night.
327. ... like/drink the new Beast Ice because its got higher alcohol content.
328. ... pass-out while making-out.
329. ... take a flask to a college hockey game, and get shitknickered while
standing along the boards.
330. ... get a DUI in the morning.
331. You surf down a flight of slippery wood stairs (on the heal of your
right foot) with a beer in each hand and don't break em. (True story.
My foot was sore for about a week!)
332. -Your mixed drinks taste like shots and your shots are the size of mixed
drinks.
333. -You wash down headache pills in the morning with a shot.
334. -You exchange drink recipes with the bartender.
335. -You lead your life according to the undeniable truth that if you're not
wasted, the weekend is.
336. you call 911 and tell them you are dieing because you ran out of vodka
337. Your favorite place to sleep is the bathroom, because of the cool
tile floor.
338. you down that little bottle of Cointreau in the medicine cabinet, only to
find you just drank your Yves St Laurent Kouros aftershave....
339. you have to go out to your car
every half hour at work to puke and sleep and wind up drinking the warm
beers that are rolling around in your backseat.
340. You carry an "emergency" bottle of alcohol at all times.
341. Your rent is overdue, your bank account is overdrawn, and you can't
afford to buy food, but you still manage to find money for beer.
342. You consider "sobriety" to be anytime you don't have a beer in your
hand.
343. You are unable to name ten U.S. presidents, but naming ten brands of
beer is no problem.
344. You laugh when you hear people talking about getting drunk off eight
beers, because you know that's impossible.
345. You have nightmares about being the "designated driver".
346. You can't remember where you went last night or what you did, but you
know you had a good time.
347. You claim that you "only smoke when you drink", but you have enough
Marlboro miles for the Pool Table.
348. You've used the Spanish version of the ATM at three in the morning on
a whim.
349. After a hard night of drinking, you wake up with an open beer in your
hand, look at it and resume drinking it.
350. Suddenly, mooning a cop seems like a fun idea.
351. Who doesn't sleep in the tub?
352. When offered a soda you reply "what did I ever do to you?"
353. the most tattered piece of clothing you own is your 3-piece suit because you're always
stumbling home drunk from weddings and funerals in it.
354. You know you're a drunken bastard when you're at a wedding reception and
everyone else has left including the bride and groom except for you and
10 other drunken bastards and the reception hall people are asking you
to leave but all of you keep drinking so they call for taxicabs to pick
you up but you go to take a piss, stumble into the coat check room to
get your coat and come back out only to find that all the taxis have
left (a true story).
355. you wonder why the room is so cold, then realize you have your hand in the beer
cooler.
356. You know you're a drunken bastard when someone says they want to talk to
you about your drinking and you say, "Why, did I miss a round?"
357. You know you're a drunken bastard when the only time you get any sleep
is when you pass out in the gutter.
358. You know you're a drunken bastard when someone asks you why you drink
and you reply, "To forget." When they say, "To forget what?" you say,
"I don't know, I forgot."
359. You know you're a drunken bastard when the only reason you wear
cufflinks is to use them as streetcurb feelers.
360. The whistling in your ear as you walk home is an empty beer
bottle in your shirt pocket.
361. You can't log a fault call late during a night shift at work, because the
technician is sure to notice you're pissed
362. You order your meal based on how hard it will be to puke later on
363. You have reserved parking at the local bar.
364. It will take longer for your liver to decompose than it will take for
styrofoam to biodegrade.
365. You can't remember what color your girlfriend's eyes are, but she has
good taste in beer.
366. Your idea of a special date is buying her Crown Royal instead of Jim
Beam.
367. you knock over a pint of Guinness, catch it in an ashtray before it
spills onto the floor, drink it and spit out the cigarrette butts
368. piss into your beer can and drink it to recycle the alcohol your body
tried to expell from overexposure.
369. the world makes sense.
megandken
370. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your
Oldsmobile.
371. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a
safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
372. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
373. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on
the Stoli.
374. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball
goal.
375. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of
Aunt Bea's pancakes.
376. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought
the *car*.
377. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra
Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
378. Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
379. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver
in the shape of a bottle.
380. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's
VomitMan!"
381. The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take
you to find your pants.
382. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal
cavity into a pan of frying onions.
383. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned
the goat.
384. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a
slogan and not a personal challenge.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Forwarded to me by Sondra Halperin
385 ...a cop taps you on the shoulder and says, "Hey, buddy, you're crawling the
wrong way. Your apartment's over there."
386...you show up in court (for public intox) and the clerk asks if you work in a
brewery because you smell like beer.
387...you crawl into the back of 'your' pickup to sleep it off---and the next day
you wake up in the back of a stranger's pickup, in their garage, in a town you
don't recognize.
Julie
388. you have to get someone from the store to carry your case of beer to the
car because you just can't make it. (true story)
Mike McGregor
389. You claim you can make a margarita using everything but tequilla and mix.
JWarner615
390. When, after getting caught by the police, setting off a box of huge
fireworks in the apartment parking lot, you stand there in your Hawiian
shirt and toast the officers with your Daquari.
steve morschauser
391. you're so drunk the only skill you can perform is opening a pop top
392. you have ever wiped vomit on your shirt
393. you get beer on your shirt because you are too drunk to remember how to
swallow
Mark Goodrich
394. you spend all your dog's food money on booze
Curtis Dicke and Brian Sykes
395. every time you get your personal weekend stock, everyone on the way out of
the store tries to invite themselves to the party.
396. everyone at work ,when bragging about how sloshed they got the previous
weekend, use your name as a base comparison....
397. you don't go to bars because you will waste all your money, and still have
to go home to your everclear to get drunk.....
Partisan28@aol.com
398. when you watch Brave Heart and drink everytime someone dies (a game we
call BRAVE LIVER)
Greg Turner
399. ...you wake up in the morning and have to check the message on your
answering machine to find out where you've been.
David Harrigan
400. - When you pass out on the floor ,wake up at 5am with sick all around
your head, you quickly clear it up before anyone notices , only to be
told later it was you friend's not yours! (TRUE STORY)
Justine and Cheryl
Last updated: 9:24 PM on 3/4/00
Got any more? Finish the sentence: " You know you're a drunken bastard when .... ", and send it on.