Subject: From an email
Date:
As far as drinking goes there are two rules:
Too much is never enough and
life is too short to drink diet beer.
My father told me, just before I left home at 18
there were two rules about women I needed to
know:
Rule number one- all women are crazy
Rule number two- if you keep rule number
one in mind, every thing they do makes sense.
From: Glegs
Subject: From a recent IRC conversation
Date:
I don't like to eat at "All you can eat buffets" because they don't serve drinks.
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: A day of abstinence
Date: 20 Jan 1997 01:42:22 GMT
All of which led me to conclude: It's best to stock up on booze before going out to a party where no booze is being served and that is likely to end at a late hour, and the morning after a sober slumber is no better than one after which one has pounded down more whisky than it's healthy to piss during a single visit to the bathroom.
From: Sully <brewlawz@napanet.net>
Subject: Re: guiness 'thingy'
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 11:40:19 -0800
Simple, really. Take a pint of Guiness. Take a syringe. Draw 10cc of
stout into the syringe. Hold the tip of the syringe just off the
surface of the beer, and depress the plunger. A foamy head will result.
The gas pod does the same thing, except from the bottom of the can.
From: jrv7472@is.nyu.edu (jrv7472)
Subject: Re: i'm dead
Date: 26 Jan 1997 04:09:03 GMT
I learned my lesson about this as a TA. I was in a bar near the
University one night, and this way cute girl started talking to me. I
thought she was chatting me up, so I bought drinks, etc. Nothing happens.
Next day, it turns out she was in my class, and was trying to get in good.
Now, I drink far from campus.
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: DBs on AOL
Date: 26 Jan 1997 04:50:05 GMT
Hey, lay off AOL already, rat-meister! Granted, AOL "sucks hairy monkey balls," as the great American poet BigSkaKing once said, but fer God's sake it's dirt cheap and consequently is very attractive to those of us who throw nickels around like they were manhole covers!
Plus, they make it really easy to download porn!
From: jeremiah@ios.com (Jeremiah Kristal)
Subject: Re: Handy hint
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 1997 02:30:19 GMT
Ol' Trevor has expressed the issue of phones while drunk perfectly.
While we normally dance around the subject on a.d.b. (and dance around
in shock when we get the $350 phone bill. "I called Jaz 7 times? In
one night?!!! I must have been tanked!"), the allure of a phone is
something that all dbs should be aware of. To help spread the call of
drunkeness, I've written some basic drunken phoning rules.
1. Never call your folks while hammered at 3a.m.
2. Never call your grandparants while hammered at all.
3. Never call your ex, unless it's to make a prank call, then immediatly call your bailbondsman.
4. Never make an international call that has more digits in the number than you are willing to pay in dollars for the call.
5. Never pass out and leave a long distance call going for 8 hours.
6. Don't even try to call an escort service at 3am in Providence Rhode Island, they won't even answer.
7. 911 is not someone you call and talk to when no one else will answer!!!!
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: kin you say wasted
Date: 26 Jan 1997 02:44:26 GMT
Ah, the glories of distilled spirits. "Diurnk" we are. andthe pack
figures to kick some new england butt tomlrrow. or is it today?
fack., it's not a matter of whose gonna win, but how many points
the pack is gonna win by. /abd any Pats fans who think ohtersise
is free to send a bet my way so he can loose his effing cheese-
headed greenbaks to the smarter money.
From: LandS@thehalls.dolphinet.co.uk (Dal & Leaf)
Subject: Re: Drink, Girls, Arse, Feck.
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 20:34:22 GMT
>bd?? WTF is that? Are there plans afoot for yet another IRC channel? Have you
>told Leaf yet and if so, how does she plan to adjust her tattoo?
(groan) My facking tit is beginning to look like a 'best/worst' beer thread.....
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: My sister-in-law's liquor cabinet
Date: 29 Jan 1997 04:14:41 GMT
That's nothing. I once got shot, raised my head from the bar, and said, "Huh, what's going on, last call?"
From: chris@cpres.demon.co.uk (BiNKy)
Subject: Re: Got a DUI?, no just porn
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 22:28:43 +0100
Thank you Sully for your confirmation. Hmmmm, interesting to learn of the confusion that exists in the "depilatory" extension of the word. I was thinking of setting up (part-time) as a depilator in my own depilatory (establishment). Now however, I realise the smart option would be to take legal advice before I embark on this and end up hairless myself.
From:
Subject: Re: Dal, Leaf & Paddy on the piss, Yet again....
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 17:34:09 GMT
COUGH! I believe you have inadvertently used some North American slang here =). Just like "I bummed a fag" would get you strung up in some parts of the US, saying that you "humped a pool table around the sad football watchers" brings to mind some really bad porn movies.
From: alanh@iafrica.com (alanh)
Subject: Three days to Monday.
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 06:41:27 GMT
The Kodak moment: Ever tried to sweet-talk your way past paying a cover charge when the person collecting the cash is female? Well for many weeks I tried with absolutely no luck and then gave up. Last night we're sitting there having one of those quiet ones when in walks the doorperson in question, holding the hand of a bouncer. So what I hear you ask? So she's got a boyfriend, right? Wrong, try girlfriend... Below the 30 inch biceps and 100 inch chest its 100% woman (or so I am told) Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the idea. It was just the sudden moment of truth when everything in the universe became clear and the only thing to do was to have another beer.
From: fred@lightside.net (Fred Condo)
Subject: Re: THANKS TO BOOZE . . .
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 21:20:05 -0800
I've learned to drink a straight line, making me an exceptionally driven good drinker. Or something. :)
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Pulse-pounding drunkenness
Date: 2 Feb 1997 05:00:26 GMT
An experiment: To report that I've had so much to drink this evening that I hear the pulse pounding in my ears. Anyone else ever had this sensation? I'll sit back and wait for responses, assuming I survive the night, and then file more reports from the field.
From: Ratboy <rats@pond.com>
Subject: Re: Television news from Moscow?!
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 1997 19:29:47 -0500
Here's another TV/language test. Go to a bar, watch a show that is close captioned. Then try to decide if all the mis-spelling are real or due to your inebriation level. I saw an Oprah show in Washington DC that way. They must hire some real rocket scientist to do the typing. I haven;t seen so many mistakes since I tried to read my own typing.
From: Sully <brewlawz@napanet.net>
Subject: Re: you know I think I may have a slight problem!!
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 09:37:03 -0800
dickhead@blowme.com wrote:
> kept my breakfast down to four beers and put on a collard shirt.
That's one of the problems with wearing vegetables. Maybe green isn't your best color. You should think about branching out. Lettuce suggest that next time you dawn something more likely to harvest you a good celery, instead of peanuts.
If your hair is like a bush, prune it. Dig around in the closet for some clothes that aren't soiled. It's not formal, so you don't need a cucumberbund. If it's chili, dress warm. Don't forget to root around for some shoes. Take a pea (or a leek), and don't forget to wash your anise before you go. Have all the sauSe you want, just don't drink endive.
You might want to pole the receptionist to see if any jobs are still available. At the interview, have a seed, and plant yourself firmly in the chair. Mustard up your courage. Sit up straight, without a crookneck. Curry favor with the interviewer, but keep him at bay, and you'll do vine. Don't chive the dude, don't tell corny jokes, and don't act like a pansy.
You can't beet these suggestions. Take this sage advice, and you'll vetch a mint in no thyme, I tell you. (Of course you could avoid the whole job thing, and just marigold.)
-Sully (I bean doing vegonics for years; Kate wears a 1 carrot ring. America has lots of cars; does this make it a carnation? And if vegetables aren't your style, try wearing a yellowjacket.)
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: Reluctantly on the wagon
Date: 13 Feb 1997 03:58:18 GMT
I once had bizarre feelings of healthiness too. Got over that damn quick by having a couple of drinks.
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Whisky neat
Date: 14 Feb 1997 04:45:25 GMT
And of course, tomorrow the hangover shall come, just as surely
as the sun, but what the fack do I care? The dear wife is playing
Mozart on the piano, I'm enjoying a bit of whisky, tomorrow is
Friday, and the earth will continue spinning. Just like my head.
But between now and then, I intend to enjoy: the whisky, the
music, and the thought of Friday. And somehow, everything will
fall together. Always has. Always will
From: chris@cpres.demon.co.uk (BiNKy)
Subject: Re: ON-LINE DRUNK??
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 15:18:19 +0100
No way that was me, some bastard impersonating me obviously. I don't
remember the call, you don't remember the call so by that simple logic, it
didn't happen.
Some bastard's trying to fit me up - why would they do that??
All my 'phone chats are guaranteed to leave an indelible memory. If they
don't, it wasn't me.
From: darren.irvine@virgin.not (Darsy)
Subject: Re: Word of advise from a Drunk
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 07:33:38 GMT
He /might/ have been a lesbian. God knows, they get everywhere these days - I found one under a pile of ironing in my spare room the other day. Well actually, I didn't but I was looking for one. Or something.
From: jimdrinkin <JIMPRZY@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Free booze
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1997 12:04:02 -0800
Slight feeling of deja booze. $5.75 (US) in the pocket, all change.
Figuring not get too far drinking on the funding, I tried something that
worked about 15 years ago. Traveling to an older setion of town, I
located a bar that catered to older folks, mostly in thier early 60's
and up. Everyone's drinking shots of well juce, sipping quietly. Walked
in, and ordered a small margurita, and paid with a handfull of change,
thus establishing an out of funding condition. The bar lady couldn't
make just a small one, so she whopped up a full blender, figuring I
would get to the balance of the volume in due time. After the marg, I
ordered a small draft beer and paid with the rest of the change (saving
a bit for the tip) and proceded to do nothing. The remaider of the marg
in the blender's getting ignored, and no one else in the bar wants one.
So, after a (medium long) while, the bar lady says, "I hate to dump
this, would you like a free refill?"
From: eaeolian@crosslink.net (JM)
Subject: Re: BLACK BUSH IRSISH WHISKY
Date: Mon, 03 Mar 1997 21:17:58 GMT
I drink my Bushmill's, which I consider to be of equal or greater quality, in straight shots, since being Irish, no one cares HOW you drink it, as long as you finish the bottle! There are no "style points" when drinking Irish whiskey.
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: Word of advise from a Drunk
Date: 5 Mar 1997 02:33:32 GMT
Or, as a friend of mine once said, "Won't your wife hit the ceiling if you come home drunk again?"
To which I responded, "Of course she will; she's a terrible shot!"
From: chris@cpres.demon.co.uk (BiNKy)
Subject: Re: I know you were worried but....
Date: Wed, 05 Mar 1997 10:09:35 +0100
Things are alright here, the biggest blow has been the (slowly) dawning realisation that drinking Stella is making me bankrupt. I'm taking advice and reading Jaz's book: "How to get Drunk for 50p" (vol. IV).
From: wanderer@europa.com (Carrie S)
Subject: Re: "Always Wear A Disguise, Mr. Scallopini." She Purred
Date: Fri, 07 Mar 1997 19:40:43 GMT
This reminds me of something. Years ago when we were young, my husband was on a soccer league. The team was called the "Brewsers" and boy did we play that one out! All the wives and kids would come faithfully to the games! We had a sign up sheet to tell whose turn it was to bring the tomato juice, vodka and dilly beans - back then we all made dilly beans to put in our bloody marys! It was great. As the drinks started to run out we would hope and hope that the game would be over soon too. Then we could go over to someone's house and really start drinking.
No wonder the Brewsers came in last place for 3 years in a row.
From: chrisf@uniserve.com (Canadian)
Subject: Re: Cacaphonic Convergence!
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 1997 23:37:41 GMT
Out to get a bottle o sake after work! And play Mario 64! Man what a db game. If you leave the guy alone for 30 seconds, he lays down and goes to sleep. Just like me.
From: Liam <saiga@concentric.net>
Subject: Re: Jest Joking
Date: Sat, 08 Mar 1997 11:58:49 -0800
Shit Man! I'm with ya here. I wired my battery cables backwards and now my horn sucks.
From: Sully <brewlawz@napanet.net>
Subject: Big Daddy's Rap (aka The Lord's Prayer)
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 1997 15:58:13 -0800
Give us this day our daily booze, and forgive us our hangovers, so we can forgive those who point out what we did the night before. And lead us not into Sobriety, but deliver us a pizza and a case of beer...
From: fred@lightside.net (Fred Condo)
Subject: Re: Tales From The Zone Part One Point Five
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 23:47:54 -0800
US hours are 60 minutes long, just like everyone else's, but our seconds are only .9375 as large as the International second. This is because the US minute has 64 seconds, so we speak of pint minutes (1/8 minute), quart minutes (1/4 minute), half minutes, and gallon minutes. There are two pints or 16 seconds in a quart minute. It's all very simple. People sometimes say 7.5 (US) hours as a shorthand for saying 7 hours, 240 pints. This is because you might mistake the 240 pints for how much they drank. Which, on this newsgroup, is an easy mistake to make.
From: Infiniti <quickone@quickone.reno.nv.us>
Subject: I'm plastered with my friends.
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 1997 23:10:31 -0800
Hello, ('m drunkun.
Well - I'm been drinking Horndby's drvaft cider. And I"m cquite drunk
. I"m a lightweight you see. I am walso yound and happy. I'm here
with m ywife and my roomate(whi is drunk and aso gay). He's making
coolaid. I odn't really care because ai'm happyt., Umjk I don't know
hwy I'm posting, just that I am ahpyy and I clike to post. And I can't
typoe for shit right now. Although I'm tapying fvery fast, I'm typ0ing
abaslyd. Damn.... I love this hornsby shit. I can't dirnk anythig else
anymore, and Felicia fucked my friend Tim over for now reasoneThe ywere
supposed to move in them fucked him over, uz he kicked 3everyone out
for them, then they didn
't move itn. I'm just recording converstations that their having about
mpeople. Tim doesn't have a best friend. I don't know why I'm talking
about anyonbyad else other than myself, expesially to you. Who are
yoU? I don't know yk, anyone whoreads this I think. Anyway , this is
fun, I like typing, and I'm going around 130 poeople per minute. I
can't even see the screen from here( I"m about 10 feet away, long
keyboard core) Serrian is supercool(that's what Derek said, but I don't
think so). I'm drinking some more.
HOldon, Derek needs to use thte phone, so I'm going off now. I mght be
back.
From: chrisf@uniserve.com (Canadian)
Subject: Re: Cat torture method #39b
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 23:14:19 GMT
Editor's Note: This has to do with a cat who ate a piece of tinsel and is now trying to expel it.
Anyway, feeling pity, we picked her up, and it was fortunate that we'd both had quite a bit to drink because you can guess the not-so-appetizing task we had to engage in. Tissue in hand, grab tinsel with tissue, and gently pulll...
ROOOOWWWWWWWWRRRRRR!
Anyway, the operation was a success, but judging from the window-shattering piercingness of her reaction, getting tinsel up your butt is NOT a good idea for fine afternoon fun.
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