Subject: Enjoy DBFest 2001 in the (dis)comfort of your own living room
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 02:11:05 +0000
What you will need:
Washing up bowl
Exercise bike
Water
Beer or other beverage of choice
Frying pan
Instructions:
Point your web-browser at http://www.penninewaterways.co.uk/rochdale/rc5.htm
Now fill the washing up bowl with water and sit in it. Click through each link all the way to Todmorden and then back. Not too fast... you're supposed to savour the journey. Each time the web page shows a picture of a lock or mentions a lock, jump out of the washing up bowl and ride the exercise bike for 5 minutes. Drink beer as often as you wish. Every 15 minutes, hit yourself over the head with the frying pan to simulate the effect of the boat's low ceiling.
For added authenticity, at some random time during your 3-day journey you can throw some or all of your possessions out of the window and cover the bottom of your washing up bowl with broken glass.
Cheers
Beavis
P.S. Went in the Soc for some beers this lunchtime and they've got a new fruit machine which plays tunes like the sailor's hornpipe, what shall we do with the drunken sailor and life on the ocean waves. Insult to fucking injury.
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Weird Up
Date:
Fri, 28 Sep 2001 15:14:49 -0600
So I was cleaning up a bit and dragged some empty beer bottles to their proper place in the box they came in, which is in the closet. Much to my surprise, I found the cigarette lighter from my car in the box of beer. This is fucked up on SO many levels, I'm not sure where to begin.
Why was the cigarette lighter from my car in the box of beer? I never use the damn cigarete lighter from my car - I'm a Bic kind of guy.
I also dont' even remember buying the box of beer, in which I found my fucking cigarette lighter from my car.
Is my car actually home? I have zero recollection of driving it home, but otherwise how could the fucking cigarette lighter from my car be in the box of beer? I must gather the energy to go see if my car is in it's usual hole - and check for damage.
I wonder if I gave that chick a ride home and SHE put the fucking cigarette lighter from my car into the box of beer just to fuck with my head. Little did she know the ramifications of her act, had I actually driven her home and had she actually put the cigarette lighter from my car into the box of beer.
And one last thought.... a cigarette lighter from a car has absofuckinlutely NO purpose out of it's proper context. It's useless.
--
Trigger - i have to stop drinking so much - or more. You decide. (Ah fuckit,
I'm not changing anything)
From: Dan <nope@nothere.com>
Subject: Re: Stella
Date:
Tue, 02 Oct 2001 12:17:58 -0700
Smoked some Tai Stick at work. Then on the way home it started to rain really hard.
Lucky for me the car turned into boat just in time. Talk about easy crusing...
...docking was a bitch though
From: Bernie-X <Bernie-X@funkybitch.com>
Subject: Re: Watch your drunk depressions
Date: Wed, 03 Oct 2001 20:18:45 -0700
You win some and you lose some...
But, it sounds like you didn't have much input in the outcome of this one. Unless you want to spend your life paying attention to every drunken loser cry baby that threatens to kill himself.
From: Beavis <beavis@fuckyou.com>
Subject: Bad things happen when you drink
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001 23:13:43 +0000
Like when you've got a belly full of beer and someone orders kebabs for all and then when they arrive you're shoving loads of kebab in yuour fac eand follow it up with a swig of lager and then someone says something thatat makes you laugh and all the fizzy beer and chilli sauce goes up you r nose adn the more you blow your nose the ofrtuhy e it goes up thaer.
That dsucksd
Chers
Bagvies
From: Enga Boy <gunnarro@yahoo.no>
Subject: Re: finish this sentence No:4
Date:
17 Oct 2001 04:15:38 +0200
come to daddy, I will plumb your pink anal.
have a nice day,
From: wanderer@europa.com (Carrie S)
Subject: Dogtoberfest
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 10:12:58 GMT
There is a brewery in Portland called The Lucky Labrador and each year they host this event called Dogtoberfest (gee play on Octoberfest!) where they get local celebrities (ie newscasters) to go to the brewery and for 5 bucks they'll wash your dog. The money goes to charity, but I'll be damned if I remember which one. It could be something like the inmate early release program and I didn't notice. (no offence to any online immates reading this)
It's kind of fun because there are a million dogs and so while you stand in line to get them washed you chug beer (or in my case cider) and listen to this zany Neil Young cover band and get shit faced.
Meanwhile your poor dog sits there wondering what in the holy hell is going on!
They don't really let them get close enough to see the other dogs getting washed because I'm sure they would become terrorized and knock us all over to grab our drinks. But when it was our dogs turn, she was like any other dog and was wet and shaking and wondering why she was being tormented.
I hope I never come back as a dog who has to go to a tavern to get a bath while my owners get shitfaced.
From: "TheLeaf" <Leaf@theleaf.worldonline.co.uk>
Subject: Re: Guess what I am doing.
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001 02:30:27 -0000
Let me tell you summat, dumfuck.
What we tell is as it happens.
Leaf-- You cannot fake T*dmorden
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Re: Beer Links - Dance Poll
Date: Fri, 09 Nov 2001 01:29:34 -0600
"Hey hey we're the Drunkees! People say we drink a lot! But we're too busy puuukin' to give it a second thought!"
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Re: Fuck the Yankees
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 04:27:26 -0600
Poodie's a big dude then? I have a buddy that's like 6'6" and gotta be over 400lbs. If he sees he's 45th birthday I'll be shocked. I've already bought a black suit. Haven't seen him for a while, but for a time we w*rked on the same floor and damned if you didn't know who was on the shitter when you went for a squirt. The man was *workin'* it. I've never heard anything quite like it - a big fat man just tryin' to do his bidness. I ran. Like a little girl. It frightened me. Big fat men make *noise* when they shit. And damned if *I* was stickin' around to try and haul his dead ass outta that stall.
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Re: 3 quart Heinekens
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001 17:47:05 -0600
4-day weekend here - the usual "every other Friday off" plus "Remembrance Day" on Monday. It woulda been a 4-day bender, but this daughter event popped up right in the middle. If I didn't love the little thing to bits, I'd have blown her off and just got super-massively fucked up for about 96 hours. Hmm... maybe it's a good thing then. I think I'm going to actually die during one of these benders one of these days...
From: $USER@127.0.0.1 (Dinsdale)
Subject: Re: Happy Thanksgiving
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2001 14:27:57 GMT
I just woke up, all the windows are open, I'm not sure where my pants are, everything hurts thqt has nerves in it, theres an empty jar of herring that I seem to still be burping remnants of, the dog is afraid of me, and I seem to have a drink in every room of the aluminum house. Real foggy roght now but I'm pretty sure i had a good holilday, that and that I need another drink and maybe go back to bed till by head stops this boogida boogida thing oh might have aspirin too. Anybody got morphine?
good thing I didn't have people over Hard enought cleaning up after me.
From: Beavis <beavis@fuckyou.com>
Subject: Re: Best hangover beverage
Date:
Fri, 23 Nov 2001 23:01:42 +0000
Mix Orange jouice and coke 50/50 that'sd coca cola not cocaine.
the gbexst cure ids cocaine but that will just give you abnothe rhagnover.
oh yeahg
From: Bernie-X <Bernie-X@funkybitch.com>
Subject: Drunken Haiku
Date:
Fri, 30 Nov 2001 00:08:39 -0800
Drunken Haiku post,
Can't be worse than what's here now,
Structure?! Kiss my ass!
From: Beavis <beavis@fuckyou.com>
Subject: Re: An Interesting TV religious experience
Date:
Thu, 29 Nov 2001 23:09:53 +0000
Fuck canals and fuck anyone who ipisses in em.
Scqared for life, me
and I just ate some soap that tasted bad. Buck could it get any worse.
I could be in todrmoden I spuopoe
fuck canals fuck canks fuck canalks
fuke em all
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