Subject: Re: World tour I: Vegas
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 22:02:01 +0100
Next morning was a nightmare. Facking cleaning lady hammering on the door. I shouted at Leibold to get in the toilet and he did like like a grease of lightenning. I had dyslexicially learn't the trick of putting the key in the lock and half turning it so they can't get in except by smashing the door in. Leaf was shouting "FUCK OFF!!!" We had some minutes to get ready..... I ushered Leibold out of the toilet and I swear didn't know what to do... Shit or Vomit first..... I shit and then turned like a lion catching a deer and up chucked into the toilet bowl. It was like the space facking space shuttle taking off... I facking swear my legs went in the air as I let out a gushing stream of vomit. It was a projectile column of shear girth infested by Amsterdam Beer... Okay...
I walked back in and suggested we get the fack out. Leibold was already packed and (envy the young) ready to go... Leaf was looking for her cigs... We was scrambling around for our belongings to pack into the suitcase. I sat down at the table shaking like a facking jelly. I felt really facking hangover ill. Not your common hangover. If your really a drunk you know what I mean by a Class 10 'I want to facking die' head cracker.
What am I to do? I grabbed a undrunk beer bottle and with hands shaking so bad I poured more on myself... I gulp down the contents. My body screamed like facking crazy. I retched and felt the room go wheeling around. Next I grab a bottle of Bailey's cream or whatever it was and pour it down my throat. I glug and glug. Tiny star explode in my vision and then a calm comes... The shakes start to stop... I have been rebuilt as the $6 dollar man...
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Re: An old dried-out Cunt can do no other.....
Date: Sat, 07 Oct 2000 09:46:59 GMT
I think, not that I do much of that, but I think it's kind of a thing where you get some chips at the start and if you fuck them all away, well - life is a big bag of shit. Or something. I don't really know much of anything, but I know if you act like an asshole, chances are you'll get treated like one.
From: Phalanx2 <phalanxii@excite.com>
Subject: Re: - Major automotive website
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 19:10:51 GMT
"Okay, Mr. Phalanx, thanks for responding to our ad. You have some good qualifications and I think you'd be a right match for our company. Out of curiosity, where did you hear about our job opportunities?"
"a.d.b"
"What?"
"alt.drunken.bastards"
"Okay. I guess that's all I have right now. We'll let you know. She'll validate your parking ticket."
From: Timo Nieminen <timo@physics.uq.edu.au>
Subject: fuckign defective fucking operating systems
Date: Thu, 2 Nov 2000 08:20:26 +1000
What a pice offucking junk. NT just hung on me, fucking pice of fgucking shiut, 200 fucking ozbuck pience of fucking software and it's fucking betya fuckign qualtiy at the fuckinjhg best. Fucking thing can't ebven run for a fucking week withoug fucking choikibng. Fucxking NT programmers and fucking Bill Gtes whiule fucvking at it (the real Bill Gtaesm, not HEath) desreve to bve fucking fucked with a fuckign 9 inchn fucking anal spiked fucking destroyer. What a fucking piece of fucking shit NT fuxckin is\, any fuckjing userr can fucking drunk fucking delete the sysadmins fuckign files, what kind iof fuckign protwettenco againsrt fuckign driunk usrrts is fuching that? And this is their fuckihg commericls fuckign grade fucking softwate. Wyhart a fuckighn bucnch of fucks/.!@! What fu7cking drunks fucking nedd is a fucking OSD where toyu have mto fucking enetwert a fuckign im[posislvle to fucking tyope in ehilr fucking drunkl password [1] before they can fuck the whole fucking thing up. The saddest thing abouyt T is that it jus t fucking dies whetnehr or no the user is fucking drunk or fu8cking sober. It;'s enoguh to drive you to fucking drink.
From: DukeDude <dukedude@cyberdude.com>
Subject: Re: Drink up. We're all going to die.
Date: Tue, 07 Nov 2000 04:59:50 GMT
Yeah, but I ain't gonna be one of them. I'm gonna live to be a hundred and 5 and I don't want no fucking rock from Uranus shitting on my drunken parade.
From: Disgruntled Mr Ed Fan <dkdkd@dkdk.com>
Subject: Re: Hangover Cure
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 04:15:26 -0600
Yuck! Yer giving me flashbacks of a horrible weekend in Austin Nov 91 involving warm 7-UP, Jose Quervo, those little plastic motel glasses and a warm towell and a big dent in a rented Chevy Lumina.
From: Beavis <beavis@fuckyou.co.ukNOSPAM>
Subject: Re: World gone wrong?
Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2000 01:24:51 -0000
But compared to the 4 computers I leave on all the time, the lights I forget to turn off when I pass out drunk and the power-drill I use to open bottles of wine it's not really a significant use of electricity.
From: Morticia <webbed@extremities.com>
Subject: Re: Are females welcome?
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 21:11:47 GMT
Thank GAWD for that..
enough of this fucking cat shit man!
Let's talk about DAWGS!!
My dawg (yes THAT dawg) is doing fine now having grown a new heinie from
the tattered remains of her poor lil butt that was chewed off by that
mean ol' pitbull across the road.
She is now as frisky and happy as before the 'incident' and chases her
ball around the trailer park with abandon, kicking up her adorable
little heels and yapping constantly as only a little
high-pitched-yelping runty dawg can!
I can actually get a good 10 yard punt out of her now before she hits
the aluminum siding of my 2 room trailer and makes a satisfying *THOK*
before sliding down into a puddle of excrement and blood.
I love that dawg...
From: "Leaf" <Leaf@theleaf.worldonline.co.uk>
Subject: Re: WHISKEY MIKE
Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2000 03:47:55 -0000
It got scarier after you left. A couple of kids in *that* bar (i.e. the one with the gypsies) came over to the table asking about you. They were impressed with your antics. After the guy who asked if it was a dog bite. They dragged us to a place with snooker tables (In Shipley for fucks sakes) I introduced them to slammers and swayed a lot. Snooker tables are just way too big. Jaz was looking amourous at the girl and I asked the guy if he liked pink or red nail varnish to wear. FHD found out that she preferred Sea Breazer to Metz. We were a bit scared to go into the local Co-Op rhe next day. I took Monday off, seeing as it didn't seem to exist. I still am laughing my tits off at the memory of the bowling balll heading to me in the seating section.
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Re: Favourite Beer
Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2000 07:46:59 GMT
I am into the cat in the hat and such. I like a book that doesn't cook, i like one that smells. Smells, hells belles, I like one that smokes. I have no brain, I have no jokes. I like a book that talks about tokes. I like shit that makes me high, I like McDonald's fries. I have no clue where to poo, I think it should be... that little room right behind me.
From: kevnjon@aol.comATOSE (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: Best Speyside single malt Scotch Whiskey?
Date: 01 Dec 2000 00:39:45 GMT
eprice@austin.ibm.com writes:
> I'm not an experienced Scotch Whiskey connoiseur/drinker.
That's easy enough to remedy. Just drink a shitload of it, and then you will be.
> Many Thanks,
You're welcome
kev
From: shizoor@my-deja.com
Subject: Re: etiquette question
Date: Fri, 08 Dec 2000 19:15:59 GMT
You're right. Any bar silly enuff to serve a DB without getting cash in advance deserves to get shafted good and fucking hard.
From: "Knopgat" < knopgat@freemail.co.za >
Subject: Movie productions, not spam.
Date:Wed, 20 Dec 2000 22:34:52 +0200
Hehe .....
a) The subject is deciphering Jona's drunken talk.
b) We're trying to find future "Arthur" role models. Of
course I saw the movie, ...... 7 times.
c) We're working on a female role of "Arthur", and so far K'
is doing well. Her tits are great, as is her drunken splabb.
(a friend of mine)
d) XXXXX comes a close second, but she does not relay her
drunkeness good enough on the internet, usenet or email.
She's a welcome candidate for a personal interview, which
applies to K' too. - Swakopmund, Namibia.
e) If this ng has no other candidates, we'll need to purchase
expensive celebs, which would mean we need to actually
*pay* for that movie.
f) No, I'm not lonely, I'm just talking drunken shit and my server
prolly won't spew shit to me with a reply, not to mention a reply.
g) I have this severe ball-itch, which is probably due to the
Camel cap I wear. I think my suitcase is too big.
h) My glass is full again, so the itch has gone.
i)The bad news is that while the glass gets emptier, the more
shit will emitt ..... but don't worry, I'll fill that glass again.
j) Oh, back to the movie ......... Beavis is the cameraman
and bouncer .... for obvious reasons. Hey Beav, WTF
are you ?
k) Damn, the beermats are done. I have ten more, will
that do for a 1400 person party ?
l) Certainly not, but the clock also runs slow.
m) Back to the movie ......... Of course nice tits are "plus"
n) I don't particularly like big tits, but what the heck ---I'm
a randy sod. My g/f has almost no tits.
o) Did I yet mention tits yet ?
p) While Beav 'bounces' the boys, I'll do the same with
girls ...... BWWWHAHAHAWAHAHA.
Ooops.....joke (I think)
q) ..... fill glass again !!!!!!!!
r) ...essssss. Me thinks I should shut the fuck up. But
I'm drunk, so did I ever mention the movie ?
Greets from the producer.
"Knop-Productions", < insert lion, or any other fucking cat
yawn with feeble growl, right here - advertising is free>
Hey, is everyone on friggin' holiday, or why is tyhis ng so quiet ? OK, stuff you's on holiday and I'm *not* making a website either.
From: Keltic <keltic@SPAM.zip.com.au>
Subject: Re: DBFest 2001
Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2001 12:53:17 +1100
How communist is that? What happened to the democratic principle of one man, one goat?
From: Trigger <trigger@drunkenbastards.org>
Subject: Anatomy of a Puke
Date: Sat, 06 Jan 2001 11:08:22 GMT
I just launched one and I'd like to tell you about it.
The first inklings of a problem were right here at this keyboard. Allofafuckingsudden, I felt queasy. Not a novice at this sort of shit, I knew just where to go. I ran like a little girl to the bathroom. I fell to my knees. I sang LOLA in my head. I spewed like a volcano. And I did it s'more. When I thought I was done - I was WRONG. My only saving grace was that I did it all in the bowl. My major mistake was looking in the bowl. That set off another round of ka-ka-ka-ing.
But, while I was down there (mostly face down), I got to thinking.I thought "this sucks" and then I thought "I wonder if chicks with giant knockers have trouble with the bowl". And then I thought "what a fucking pig I am" and then I thought "no shit, asshole- you have your face in a fucking TOILET".
It was at this point I stopped thinking.
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