Subject: Re: Vomit and near death experiences...
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 23:10:54 -0500
Editor's Note: This picks up after Jane got drunk on JD and asked her boss to drive her home.
Home to my MOTHERs place that is. I guess my little kid mechanism kicked in, where they drill your address into you when your 6 or so, so if you're ever in trouble they can take you home, and, well, to make the long story shirt, cause I was so smashed, I gave them my mom's address in Willowdale where I grew up as my place where they could take me home.
So I show up at my mums door at about 5 am, stinking of JD, wrearing fishnets, a leather vest, and my boss's coat.
Mom was so proud.
A few weeks afterwards, my boss gave me a new business card, which said "I am Jane, the Limelight Bartending Queen. If I am lost, Please take me to (my then address) or call Limelight at (the number)".
From: mikraft@badlands.NoDak.edu (Mike D Kraft)
Subject: Re: Vomit and near death experiences...
Date: 20 Jan 1998 02:40:38 GMT
Another comrade of ours, the previously mentioned Ukla, had been pounding down gin for most of the night, and eventually threw up on his hand (this is a vomit story, so it's applicable)...anyway, the ever-resourceful Ukla turned life's lemons into lemonade, and spent the rest of that night using his bile-and-gin-soaked hand to greet frat boys at the parties we were infiltrating....pure gold.
From: Jane & Chris (greenpea@interlog.com)
Subject: Re: moonshine and hell on wheels
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 22:01:04 -0500
did I tell ya, in Ontario every year ther are at least 5 or so fatalities of drunken Jeddies driving their snowmobiles over thin ice and crashing thru after getting loaded, it's unreal. A montha go or so I read about a guy who survived, but when the recue team pulled him out as he was about to go under, when they pulled him out, they found 9 beers stashed in his various pockets. Um, not exactly a flotation device!
From: Robin Pastorio-Newman (pastori@rci.rutgers.edu)
Subject: Re: Vomit and near death experiences...
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 1998 12:49:30 -0400
I have a tense family. Puking's the only thing we ALL think is funny. Makes those holiday dinners literally fly by!
From: theereilly@aol.com (TheeReilly)
Subject: Re: What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Date: 22 Jan 1998 06:15:32 GMT
I used to be able to play this song on harmonica, but I gave that instrument up long ago. It is a very messy intrument if you don't know what you are doing.
From: theereilly@aol.com (TheeReilly)
Subject: Re: Beer out the nose
Date: 22 Jan 1998 06:20:17 GMT
shooting beer out of your nose burns, but when You look back, you wish you could do it again.
From: maizi@no.com (Maizi)
Subject: Re: Help Us Find Tiffanny Rain Fordham
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 18:28:34 -0700
2nd thing you could do with a ton of dough:
place a whopping custom order for next years vintage-- Dom in boxes!
Custom printed boxes, of course, with the family crest, or some tasteful
motto like "I'm rich! And I don't have to cut through this box when it's
empty to squeeze one more glass out of the inner plastic liner!"
Editor's Note: The next message is a reply to the one above
From: "Gail Warnings" (warnings@worldnetFSPAM.att.net)
Subject: Re: Help Us Find Tiffanny Rain Fordham
Date: 24 Jan 1998 02:10:13 GMT
Damn!!! That makes me feel better. I ALWAYS do that. I open the box, then squeeze the last drop from the foil liner, then I CUT the foil liner for anything that I may have missed! And then I cut out the UPC code on the box, and finally THEN I send in the rebate form (with receipt of course).
From: jaZZ (jaZZ@drunkenbastards.org)
Subject: Re: Alcohol, pot, and Paxil.
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 1998 08:57:08 -0500
Whoooaaaaa, Nelly! That sounded frighteningly close to being authentic and accurate. That will be enough of that, young man! No more passing around factual information. Now.... let's get back to the drunken lies and fake advice.
From: Trigger (trigger@sk.sympatico.ca)
Subject: Re: Vomit and near death experiences...
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 1998 17:23:47 -0700
*first of three times I've worn a dress - the other two were just silly. Dress episode#2 I was "Snow White" (I even had 7 fucking dwarfs in full regalia) - it was a costume party. I won first prize when I pulled my dress over my head during the judging (was liquor involved? Fuckin A). Dress episode#3 I was basically just trying to get fucked and it was, again, a costume party. My story the next day was "Hell, I got her out of her fucking dress, but then... I got into it."
From: "Leaf" (leaf@leafy.demon.co.uk)
Subject: i draank
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 23:22:48 -0000
i said i DRANK
leasfy
I saifd I waa drunk
From: "Mark Mathu" (mmathu@ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Vomit and near death experiences...
Date: 25 Jan 1998 18:37:59 GMT
When I was a teenager still living at home my dad tried the same stuff on me. he was a self-employed cabinet maker and my brother and I worked for him on weekends. I'd swear that bastard saved all the work that involved loud hammering for us on hung over Saturday mornings. It's impossible to use an air stapler quietly, you know.
From: "Jaz" (jaz@ad-alarms.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Help Us Find Tiffanny Rain Fordham
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 22:27:38 -0000
I never look at it [the ADB quote pages] as I never get on the quote pages.. :(
From: Trigger (trigger@sk.sympatico.ca)
Subject: Re: Secrets of Wimmin revealed!!!!
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 19:45:06 +0000
Y'know, Terri, I'm pretty sure I could keep up with you. I'm fairly well-known 'round here for not requiring sleep when the party's on. I'm usually the last guy out of the bar, and usually the guy still looking for a drink when everybody else is on their lips. And I don't mean to boast - that's just the way I'm wired.
Editor's Note: And, Kev responded...
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: Secrets of Wimmin revealed!!!!
Date: 27 Jan 1998 02:21:47 GMT
Is it just me, or are these two beginning to sound like a bent, drunken version of "The Dating Game"?
From: "Jaz"(jaz@ad-alarms.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Secrets of Wimmin revealed!!!!
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 22:19:10 -0000
Forgot what I was gonna say.
X-files started on BBC 1 and the main character is called Jason Nicholls
which is my name. Abit strange when Dana Skully is saying my name
whilst Molders is acusing me of being a Alien.
From: GregM <piss.off@fuck.you.wanker>
Subject: Re: 12 days of hangover
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 09:27:43 +1300
0.3% is pretty damn close to blind drunk, 0.4% would kill most people.
30% is used to preserve corpses.
From: "Jaz" (jaz@ad-alarms.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Hall of Bastards
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 22:54:59 -0000
Leaf was slurring away in a unknown language, I was leaning right over the
bar wanting another drink thinking what I do in English bars can be done in
Phoenix. I was shouting at the barstaff that I wanted my passport back. I
had to hand over my passport to prove I was at legal drinking age. Fuck
sake...I'm nearly 30.
I wasn't drunk but I don't remember anything more from that night.....
From: lombardo@cnj.digex.net (Jim & Noreen)
Subject: Re: The Yuppification Has Begun
Date: Sat, 31 Jan 1998 13:02:09 -0500
Ironic thing about the health club next to the liquor store that I used to
frequent was that its matronly patrons with their chubby butts sausaged
into spandex pants would cruise up and down the lanes of the parking lot,
sometimes waiting for somebody to pull out, to get a close parking space.
From: "Darsy" (darren@sticky.net)
Subject: Re: Does Wine go Bad??????????
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 08:56:10 -0000
Thank Fuck! Someone else in the entire world besides me who likes Retsina. Sure, the first glass or three tastes like something you'd clean your toilet with, but after that it's great. I think.
From: Jane & Chris (greenpea@interlog.com)
Subject: Re: The Year 2000?
Date: Tue, 03 Feb 1998 21:55:15 -0500
I think the worst thing about hosting a party is that before the guests arrive, I feel compelled to clean the place cleaner than it's ever been all year; and when they leave 8 hours later, it's dirtier than it's ever been all year. WAY too much effort there.
From: Jane & Chris (greenpea@interlog.com)
Subject: Re: this place is horrible
Date: Tue, 03 Feb 1998 22:06:48 -0500
I like to speak for other DB's. Especially when they're passed out on the couch. You just put your fingers on either side of their mouth and move their lips back and forth, while talking in a funny voice.
From: "Mark Mathu" (mmathu@ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Looking for some action....
Date: 5 Feb 1998 07:51:13 GMT
Did I get laid for the first time on a snowmobile? (no.) Did I open my first bank account on a snowmobile? (no.) However, I was seventeen and snowmobile bar-hopping with friends when my dad first said those magic words.. "Mark, I think it's your turn to buy the next round."
When you're out at a bar with your dad and he asks you to buy more beer, you know you've become an adult.
From: jeremiah@idt.net (Jeremiah Kristal)
Subject: Re: I just gotta say it.
Date: Sat, 07 Feb 1998 05:14:56 GMT
I'm not sure either. The newsgroup has always had it's share of contention. Hell, we're drunk, we like to argue, we get pissed, get pissed off, piss someone else off, wake up feeling like piss, have a pissy day at work, read what we posted whilest pissed, feel like a right bastard, beg forgiveness, get it, and go out and get pissed all over again. Same as it ever was, and I like it that way damnit!
From: "Mark Mathu" (mmathu@ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: homebrew drunks
Date: 12 Feb 1998 07:22:07 GMT
I got a brewing kit from my girlfriend (upgraded to fiancee (upgraded to wife status) status) about three years ago. Enjoyed it for a bit, being an engineer and all -- but work and education have been taking its toll on free time for the past year or so, so I've reverted to just stopping by the liquor store and saying "case of Pabst, please."
From: alanh@iafrica.com (alanh)
Subject: Prelude II
Date: Thu, 12 Feb 98 18:22:18 GMT
So tomorrow as soon as we awake (probably 11am+) we're loading the car, picking up the Driver - the SO suggested she drive so that we boys could concerntrate on the business at hand and not be distracted by blue flashing lights, finger printing and body cavity searches - as tempting as that may sound.
From: efftrtsr@computek.net (de)
Subject: Chundering like a cement mixer
Date: 13 Feb 1998 05:25:54 GMT
solid, low-velocity flow....high viscosity and very controlled...this time ive failed completely...after a long dinger i expect the sparks of a sudden, uncontrollable "mudslinger' barf....
disgusted with my amateuristic performance but pleased with my typing... the enzymes are functioning perfectly as per usual.
From: "Timo A. Nieminen" (timo@physics.uq.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Stop this shit
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 1998 09:54:17 +1000
Well, I can say that my ex-wife certainly was, and still is, a great inspiration for my drinking. I thought about dedicated my booze page to her, but I'm sure that would lead to a very ugly scene.
Ah, but even before that, I fueled my PhD with vodka.
From: Recent IRC Session
Submitted by: mellee
Date: Thursday 19Feb
<PedZappie> I drink because I shake if I don't....
From: Robin Pastorio-Newman (pastori@rci.rutgers.edu)
Subject: Re: my wife porked a salad...
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 12:54:06 -0400
Am I the densest of underbrush? No way, no how can I picture making merry with Catalina dressing, let alone mesclun and radicchio, Greek olives and feta cheese, which flavor combination possibility may violate the NATO Agreement AND Emily Post's Table Manners Guide.
From: DukeDude (Dukedude3@aol.com)
Subject: Re: Subscribe to my newsletter.
Date: Thu, 26 Feb 1998 10:47:03 -0600
Hey, I don't have time for your bullshit, I post enough of my own.
From: jrv7472@is.nyu.edu (jrv7472)
Subject: Re: gin
Date: 28 Feb 1998 20:39:51 GMT
The perfect gin martini:
Take a mixing vessel. Fill with ice. Grab bottle of vermouth and carry it over the mixing glass. Add a lot of ice, and gin. Pour martini into a well-chilled martini glass. Add two or three olives, as desired. Drink. Repeat as needed.
From: Jane & Chris (greenpea@interlog.com)
Subject: Re: happy hour, compulsory retort
Date: Fri, 06 Mar 1998 21:59:37 -0500
I know where you can get crab clusters for free, if you don't mind the burning shampoo afterwards!
From: jaZZ (jaZZ@drunkenbastards.org)
Subject: Re: Probly the wrong group to ask but?
Date: Sat, 07 Mar 1998 18:43:51 -0500
I drink Georg's homebrew regularly. If it don't smell bad, drink it.
Alcohol is one motherfucker of a good perservatives. Tath's why I'm still
alive.
From: kevnjon@aol.com (KevNJon)
Subject: Re: goldschlager and applesause
Date: 18 Jan 1998 00:21:53 GMT
Reminds me of the time not long ago when I had a hankering for a mint julep. I had the bourbon, the crushed ice, and the sugar but no mint sprigs. But I did have mint-flavored Crest toothpaste. Made a dandy drink, it did.
From: GRay (ggpray@gte.net)
Subject: Re: Drunken Weight Loss
Date: Wed, 11 Mar 1998 19:25:40 -0500
Timeframe, I can go one better. It was the weekend of December 13th, 1996. As for BigBrad....no say. Last I heard he was gonna either open a bar in Dallas, or move to Vegas, as he was asking Joel if he would care to move to Vegas, and split and apartment. That's the last I have heard, late this summer.
A true Drunken Bastard at heart co-worker of mine years back was thin as a rail,told me it was no problem,as he quit eating a while back.
His caloric intake was nothing more than one six inch sub sandwich each day and a river of ethenol.
From: "Mark Mathu" (mmathu@ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Off topic [was Re: Benevolent BT? I think not!]
Date: 13 Mar 1998 00:47:22 GMT
Sorry, I was drunk when I posted that message. The number of messages I post to alt.drunken.bastards is usually proportional to my blood alcohol level, and both were running pretty high last night.
From: jaZZ (jaZZ@drunkenbastards.org)
Subject: Re: Bad Things To Do While Hungover
Date: Sat, 14 Mar 1998 09:53:15 -0500
I'm sitting here feebly typing this response this morning facing a similar dilema. Is it better to be drunk than hung over? The fancy party last night got a weeeee bit out of control, and ended up adjourning to the Mafia bar. I vaguely recall last call occuring. This morning I'm envying people who may have been killed on the way home.
From: "Leaf" (leaf@leafy.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Gearing up for Patty's day...
Date: Sun, 15 Mar 1998 17:49:59 -0000
I'm here!!!!!
I just need a modem!
I'm selling my body down at the local redlight district to pay for one but
so far I'm £54 in debt.
Jaz- Did I mention my broken legs?
From: kutas@usa.net (wowbagger)
Subject: Re: drinkquest
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 1998 13:39:16 +1000
>Gonz
>(I weigh 117 stones and a few pebbles...)
117 stone = 1638 lbs
Remind me to be nice to Gonz.
From: "Mark Anderson" (spammersdie@easynet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Deathwatch
Date: Sun, 15 Mar 1998 08:02:26 -0000
My suggestion is that the dead bar chick could be used to replace costly bar staff. I think several pubs around here are already adopting this scheme, judging by the amount of time it takes to get a fucking beer.
From: "Mark Mathu" (mark@mathu.com)
Subject: Re: Bad Things To Do While Hungover
Date: 15 Mar 1998 21:02:35 GMT
You know, when the newspapers report on the latest drunk driving tragedy where some young person dies by driving his car off the road and wrapping it around a tree or telephone pole, maybe instead of thinking "Oh that poor soul, snuffed out in the prime of life," we should be thinking "That's *one* way to avoid the morning hangover!"
From: Jimdrinkin (JIMPRZY@worldnet.att..net)
Subject: Re: Deathwatch
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 14:00:27 -0800
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think. (Only whore to culture joke I know)
From: "Mark Mathu" (mark@mathu.com)
Subject: Re: It's a viral infection....apparently.
Date: 19 Mar 1998 06:20:37 GMT
Congrats Vette. As a recently wed person, I'd like to pass on this bit of advice I've learned from my first six months of married life: When you come home from the bars on Saint Patrick's Day and she asks you what you did for the day, under no circumstances should you tell her "Well, I spent the afternoon kissing every girl who was wearing a 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' button."
Just trust me on this one.
From: Robin Pastorio (pastori@rci.rutgers.edu)
Subject: Re: Off the Wagon but Still in Rehab
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 08:41:51 -0400
Oh, this is too cool! Dave, ya drunken bastard, Carey is the DB find of all time, to take pictures instead of weeping and moaning.
Kinda like the friend that holds your head while your hork up wiener schnitzel.
From: "Richard Sharman" (rsharman@webfront.net.au)
Subject: Re: gin
Date: 20 Mar 1998 11:00:16 GMT
After one of the above mentioned gin sessions I went out drinking and made sure I had left my car at home...
I woke up the next morning at a friend's house, on the couch. I asked him to drive me home so I could get to work... we went outside and he said "Why don't you drive yourself home"... there was my car mounting the gutter out the front of his place.
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