Date: 17 Oct 1996
Jrz wrote:
[stuff snipped about interesting urinals]That reminds me of the time I was stuck somewhere outside of Dallas and was trying to marry the bartender chick so she'd comp a $285.00 bar tab for Spot, Fluffy, and me. Desperate drunks will oftentimes do desperate things; no dice, however, as the chick alleged a similar incident had happened to her a couple of years previous.And, on my first wedding night (13 years ago [yikes!]), there was a bidet in the hotel where we stayed. My buddy thought it was a urinal...
I cried bullshit, but then again, who the fuck am I to argue with a barmaid with more tattoos than I? Her tats were much more well-done (I'm guessing she *paid* for hers!), but I digress. So we decided to all sneak outta the bar in five-minute intervals, and I was the first one to leave since I was the drunkest of the three and also because I was driving and I'd need plenty-o-time to stagger out to the Caddy and try to get that 475 engine to roll over and get us the hell outta there.
The problems started when I couldn't find my way outta that fuckin' place, and I wound up in the hallway on the third floor, disoriented and with a bladder full-o-recycled beer. Before I carefully slid down an adjacent tree and somehow found the Caddy in the lot, I emptied about a gallon of tasty urine in the ice machine in the hallway.
While I was straddling that tree to lower myself to safety, some asshole comes outta his room talking all kinds-a shit about who the hell was making all that goddamn noise out there, blah, blah, blah. I told the asshuffer that I was with security and that I'd scared off some drunken assholes and that I was trying to get down to the squad car as fast as possible so I could radio the call in, yak yak yak, and that stoopid old grogan-fer-brains believed me! Whatta choad!
Naturally, before I made the great slide down to the parking lot, I observed no fewer than two different guests at the hotel as they went outside, scooped some ice into those cheesy plastic buckets and returned to their rooms. I wonder how the Ripple tasted that evening??
Wyvon wrote:
John--you brought your *buddy* with you on your wedding night?!! Oh, you romantic, you! ;-)Well, mine was *almost* a wedding night. Oh yeah, we damn-near made it outta there without having to pay!
Wyvon wrote:
How long did that marriage last again? ;-)Well, our run lasted until I realized the *real* security guard had my car blocked by his car. I tried to request he hastily move his vehile for my safe passage, but I think my repeated requests of, "Move it, motherfucker! What the fuck is wrong with you? Move that or you die!" were a little indicative of perhaps a larger problem.
Oh well. That's why I don't drink in hotel bars in Texas, and that's why I *never* eat the ice outta those machines.
Cheers,
JOEL
From: Dave Kelley
Date: 05 Oct 1996
The best urinal I ever found was at this bar in Orlando, Florida, just outsideof Disney World. It's some big-ass theme restaurant - not the Hard Rock, but along those same lines - and the bar section is pretty much always packed, with loud music and all the walls are mirrored for maximum disorientation.
When you go into the mens room, you make a couple of turns, then find a place at a trough. Then as you look up, you suddenly realize that at least one of the walls is a one-way mirror. Yep, you're actually looking out at the people drinking, dancing, and whatever out in the bar whilst you whiz merrily away. Several visits involving contortions, making faces, actually pissing into the window, etc., proved that the people on the other side of the mirror, who often seemed to be staring right at Li'l Elvis, had no clue we were in there. Surreal yet spectacular, especially when there were a bunch of women on the other side of the mirror.
Dave (BDK)
With a sudden urge to head for Florida...
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Now Serving At: Dave Kelley's Pub