The 13th ADB Quote page

From: Sully (sully@drunkenbastards.org)
Subject: Re: Drunken Uncles
Date: 1998/12/28

Cheers to that! Last night in the midst of many Brandys, Kate's ma was observed to lose her balance and fall right over in the middle of the kitchen. She was then heard to say: "How did that happen?" It took her a few moments to force herself back into a standing situation. Nobody was a bit concerned, and in fact, we were all fairly thankful that we had the foresight to be sitting down. Much harder to fall down when you're sitting in an armchair.
This morning over breakfast was told the story of Kate's GreatUncle's wife. A formerly practicing burlesque dancer, she took to drinking with a male friend while the GU was at work. This led to a multi-state crime spree, consisting of armed robbery of a number of service stations. When apprehended, the money was discovered to have been stashed in a, shall we say, "Personally Private" place. She did 5 years in prison.
Ghod, family is fun at the holidays.
-Sully

From: Jaz
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Hotel Bargains
Date: 02/01/1999

Heh, It's probably just Spooge anyhow.
And him being in the same bar as 40+ Dbs is like sticking your head in a Oso's mouth after fastening ribs and chicken wings to your head

From: Why Mars
Subject: Re: Ok well I give up
Date: 02/07/1999

Only the true DB'd can holf ther real alcohl, The thing is wither the people can hadale sleeping someone, Yet Deamon SEEd would never Know this Because that he is a Dhead thant love tree hugen bean eatten Hippies. later!!!

From: leibold (leibold@inf.uni-jena.de)
Subject: Re: Hay wanta have some fun with a bitch from MADD?
Date: 02/09/1999

I hope my facial wounds won't break open from the laughing.

From: Mat Taberner
Subject: Re: Fucked up flick list (was Re: Vacation
Date: 02/10/1999

I'd have thought you'd have learnt your lesson by now - steer clear of vixens and go for badgers like I do.
I've got three. I only need one more for the full set.
I'll...umm..get my...you know.

From: Screaming Blue (micahFNORD@iws.bc.ca)
Subject: Re: my .sig
Date: Friday, February 12, 1999 12:30 AM

The world is not only stranger than we think, it's stranger than we CAN think. Fortunately, It's not stranger than we can DRINK.

From: Robin Pastorio-Newman
Subject: Re: Stuff and stuff
Date: 02/15/1999

Ted Sikorski tried Your Diva's patience with:
>Oh, yeah...And OTTami loses the "best deity" contest until such time as
>she can turn water into wine.
>annoyed Ted

Whoopsie! Dahhhhlink, you've incurred my delicate wrath. Especially since The One *True* Tami has one CHARMING supernatural power: I call her up. She brings over Jack Daniels. To my house.
Now, if you happen to have a better deity-response-system, I'm willing to listen, but it better include something like free plastic surgery for the terminally unattractive.

From: vette94@earthlink.net
Subject: Re: DB phone number list
Date: 02/17/1999

I thought I'd come to point if I kept trying but it seem sunlikely now. Recent research into my tendeincies show that the most ludicrous stuff comes 6-10 lines into the post and only hen I don't look up. Saftey firtds and all.

From: George
Subject: >
Date: >

Beer is one excellent pastime which is always pleasant to partake in on the weekends. A limit should always be set on ones drinking though. Wether your limit is vomiting over a bathroom sink, or socially having a beer, it is that individuals choice.

From: Gail Warnings
Subject: Re: Fuck Lent
Date: 03/04/1999

I gave up wine for Lent, but in the face of a fucking goddam snowstorm, I said fuck it, Dan said fuck it, and we polished off the one bottle of wine and one of champagne that was left. Do I have to go to fucking confession now? Screw Catholocism anyway. And F Jackie too.
Gail
P.S. My psychotic preteen daughter spent the day on goddam AOL

From: Robin Pastorio-Newman
Subject: Re: Jesus H. Charles Bukowski
Date: 03/10/1999

Editor's Note: Response to a post about women giving themselves alcohol douches to increase their buzz

This one brings a whole new meaning to the term "drunken cunt"...

From: Darsy
Subject: Re: FLATCAP WEBPAGE HAS OPENED FOR BUSINESS!!!!
Date: 03/12/1999

Editor's Note: Darsy's take on updating the HOB

If I said that I'm currently updating the thing, it'd look like I'm only saying that cos of the current nonsense, so I won't, even though I am.
Oh, BTW - fuck that lot of you, I'm off to the pub.

From: DukeDude
Subject: Re: I'm drunk, therefor I am
Date: 03/17/1999

Ever pondered your own existence? Questioned it? Wondered if you really existed?
If so, you're a fucking moron. The proof of your existence lies in your ability to question it. However, the relevence of your existence lies in your ability to get drunk and maintain a perspective of drunken bastardry.
Why?
Cause drunken bastardry is the way of things!!!!!!!

From: Kaleesto
Subject: Re: I am Starting
Date: 03/20/1999

If yer buyin I'll have a coors light since I discovered this St Patty's day that I can no longer drink hard liquor.
There is nothing worse than having your boss tell you what you did the night before and your mom telling you that you stripped naked in front of her...
nevermind.

From: Beavis
Subject: Re: I got 'dem rehab blues
Date: 03/22/1999

Well I just thought I'd let you all know what I've been up to this week.
Started the week by taking a few too many drugs and drinking more than I should.This led to me being suspended from work and referred to a counselling service for health-care professionals. Oh yeah, I managed to crash the new car twice as well.

From: RedBull
Subject: Re: fucking piece of shit
Date: 03/27/1999

goddam stupid news erver needing a subject like i fucking remember what i teyped. goddramit, fimes lik ethis i'm ashamed to be anerd i remember gree fish.
what's better than fre fish?
NOTHING!
oh yah
magic mirror ion the floor (that's where i'll be soon)
tell me telme tell mte hey
did all the drunks have fun today?
is aw figjam and tielion and pedro and a bunch ofpeople i've never met cuz who the fuck's up at 630 in the morning?
a bunhc of ther drivel.
thus entedh the introspective piace "redbull: portrait of a drunk if you have any questions go fuck yuerself in the pisser you drity wanker.
so long and thanks ter all the fish
reddrunk

From: spliff <spliff@bongwater.com>
Subject: Re: Something a little different.
Date: Friday, April 23, 1999 5:44 PM

if we all liked the same thing then Budweiser truely would be the "King o' Beers". With the variity of things to get drunk and pass out with the world is a much nicer place...

From: Trigger
Subject: Re: It Just Gets Better'n Better...
Date: 04/24/1999

So anyway, after paying that cunt off (it took some major restructuring of the next few month's bills - mostly deciding who to piss off first), I figured there was nothing for it but a great big fucking bottle of vodka, which I am well into at the moment.
And it's working as I'd known it would - I just dont' fucking care aboot anything right now, least of all the increasing number of cocksuckers that want a piece of my hard-earned pie. Fuck 'em all I say, and fuck 'em with a big old stick

From: E.S.InterGalactic <path@telepath.com>
Subject: Re: New Curse Terminology
Date: 04/25/1999

I rest my case, but not around you bastards because you would drink it.

From: liebold
Subject: Re: suicide by drinking
Date: 04/30/1999

You can also simply get so drunk that you eat someone's cigarette, because you don't want him to smoke it. However there is a chance of you throwing up in time to survive, which is why I am still here.
leibold

From: darsy@sticky.co.uk (darsy)
Subject: Re: curried vodka
Date: 1999/05/14

What I did was somewhat more deviant than the normal vodka flavouring process.
I'd had rather a large Indian takeaway one night, and had quite a bit left over the following morning. I re-heated and ate most of it, as per normal.
However, one of the things I had left was Vindaloo Sauce (I'd bought an extra carton of it to go with some Naan bread or something - I forget exactly why now).
I thought it would be a good idea to use it as a mixer for vodka, so I made a big fuckoff pint of vodka vindaloo on the rocks. It was "interesting".
I don't think I'd do it again.

From: Jaz <Jaz@ciderman.dircon.co.uk>
Subject: i got bored
Date: 06/17/1999

(To be imagined to the tune of that dreadfully annoying song "Sunscreen")
If I could offer you only one drink for the future, ADB would be it. The long-term benefits of this NG have been consistently misunderstood by sober people, whereas the rest of my bollocks has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience.
I will slur this advice now.
Enjoy the downloading and uploading of your Newsreader. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the slow server and missing postings of best drunken typings until they are faded.
But fack you, in 20 years, you'll look back at DBfest jpgs of yourself grinning stupidly into the camera and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you spilled and how fabulous fleeting memories of it really was.
You are not as much like Gray as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next posting is lagged from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to get a Flatcap around the world and back to Vegas in 4 months.
The real troubles in your ADB life are apt to be Asshuffers that never got a life, like the unexpected near-idiot that posts on some idle Tuesday.
Post one thing every day that irrates someone.
Post badly.
Be reckless when aimlessly asking others for delurk drinks. Don't put up with people who are reckless when you delurk.
Post complete shit.
Don't waste your time on Gray.
Sometimes you're pissed, sometimes you're cabbaged.
The killfile is long and, in the end, it's only to the betterment. Make up compliments you received. Return the insults.
If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now.
Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.
Wretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs. Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy someone else's body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for some cash. Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic in the future.
Understand that favourite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.
Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce.
Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.
Dribble.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a hangover.
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics.
Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird. But you never know when either one might stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look like a faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the alcohol.

From: ratslapper
Subject: Re: Kraft Dinners- Shelf-life?
Date: 07/30/1999

Dave C. wrote:
>I almost hate to ask this but do any of you guys have Kraft dinner recipes to >trade?

Yeah.........Ingredients: 1 box Kraft dinner some water maybe some salt 1 26 oz bottle of Three Feathers Directions: Come home from liquor store with ingredients. Place Kraft Dinner on counter and forget about. Open bottle. Drink. Sleep off. Go back to liquor store for more before those fucking white worms reappear on your skin

From: bholbrook <bholbrook@my-deja.com>
Subject: Twenty-two things AA and ADB have in common
Date: 08/01/1999 Twenty-two things AA and ADB have in common:
1. To prove that they're "true" drunks, newcomers are expected to relate a choice tale of debauchery.
2. Telephone calls among members, at any time of the day or night, are not only tolerated but encouraged.
3. "Speaking for the group" is frowned upon but is done anyway, usually with a disclaimer.
4. Members sometimes disappear for lengthly periods of time and then return with no explanation given and none expected.
5. Members view outsiders with suspicion.
6. Each group holds an annual international convention.
7. A list of contacts is available for members who seek comradeship while visiting cities they're unfamiliar with.
8. An archive of aphorisms and anecdotes is maintained to which oldtimers sometimes allude.
9. Newcomers are expected--and sometimes overtly advised--to familiarize themselves with this lore.
10. In order to be fully accepted by the group, a newcomer must discern who the outcast of the moment is and behave towards that person accordingly.
11. Members respond with hostility to any commercial intrusion into their discourse.
12. There is no leader. Rules of behavior are defined and enforced by consensus.
13. This consensus is reached through a process that doesn't resemble parliamentary debate as much as it does a sloppy barroom brawl.
14. Newcomers who show promise are frequently offered advice--sometimes solicited and sometimes not--by more experienced members.
15. Oldtimers sometimes complain bitterly about the way the group has changed over the years. Often, to underscore their displeasure, they threaten to leave.
16. Sometimes these oldtimers *do* leave, only to return after realizing their departure was impulsive and that no one really gives a damn whether they leave or stay.
17. Members may express any opinion they wish so long as they're prepared to be flogged mercilessly for it.
18. Acts of the most outrageous sort are forgiven provided they were committed while the perpetrator was under the influence.
19. Members, almost without exception, love the sound of their own voices. Many have raised the act of pontification to a fine art.
20. The level of education attained, on average, is considerably higher among members than among members of the general populace.
21. Occupations that require highly developed verbal skills are disproportionately represented.
22. Members find the subjects of drinking and drunkenness endlessly fascinating.

From: Trigger
Subject: Re: What I Did On My Summer Vacation
Date: 09/02/1999

at Canajun Immigration I was asked three questions, "Where are you arriving from" (I croaked out "Las Vegas", as my throat was pretty much toast from pouring vodka and ‘merkin cigarettes down it all weekend), "Were you travelling alone?" ("Yes"), and "Did you meet anyone there?" ("Yup" is all I could manage, but I *wanted* to say, "Honey, you have *no* fucking idea!") That last question still baffles me, but I don’t question people that have the authority to shine a flashlight up my ass.

From: Timo Nieminen <timo_nieminen@bigpond.com>
Subject: Re: must ... have ... drink ... soon
Date: Thursday, September 30, 1999 8:37 AM

One advanatge of many jobs is that going and buyign a case of whiskey to celebrate the first paycheck happens more often

From: jaZZmanian Devil
Subject: Re: Holiday Drunk Tips
Date: 12/27/1999

While drunkenly handing out advice, I realized there's one piece that might be worth sharing with all.
The question was asked, "How can I keep the darned soda from fizzing up in the glass and going all over the counter?"
In my immediate helpful way I responded, "Well, if you'd pour the fucking whisky in first, the soda won't foam at all. Try it that way next time, dipshit."
Of course, the fact that this advice had apparently been given to a rather shocked teenager who was drinking *only* soda, in no way takes away from its validity for those making mixed drinks at their in-laws, or elsewhwere. Hopefully it will do you some good someday.

From: Trigger
Subject: Re: heard it from an elder
Date: 01/01/2000

cde@rocketmail.com wrote:

>There is a proper time and place for getting drunk. One should get drunk
>before flowers in the daytime, in order to assimilate their light and color;
>and one should get drunk in snow in the nighttime, in order to clear his
>thoughts. A man getting drunk when happy at success should sing, in order to
>harmonize his spirit; and a man getting drunk at a farewell party should
>strike a musical tone, in order to strengthen his spirit. A drunk scholar
>should be careful in his conduct, in order to avoid humiliations; and a drunk
>military man should order gallons and put up more flags, in order to increase
>his military splendor. Drinking in a tower should take place in summer, in
>order to profit from the cool atmosphere; and drinking on the water should
>take place in autumn, in order to increase the sense of elated freedom. These
>are proper ways of drunking in respect of mood and scenery, and to violate
>these rules is to miss the pleasure of drinking.

Or.... you could just crack a beer in the morning and get on with it

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