I was reading an article yesterday about the late William Holden (an American actor known for such films as "Stalag 17", "The Bridge on the River Kwai", "The Wild Bunch" and one of my personal favorites, "The Towering Inferno"). Old Bill, if you recall, met with his demise after getting drunk, tripping, hitting his head on a table, knocking himself unconscious, then dying of blood loss in his apartment. To my amusement, there was talk among some of the more sardonic members of the media of designing a Bill Holden Drinking Helmet to prevent future generations from such calamity. The proposed headgear never developed. While there are certainly a great many brands of headgear and safety equipment on the market already, I propose a new brand of helmets, elbow-, knee- and shin-pads specifically designed for the DB prone to accidents after tipping a few (and who among us hasn't fallen victim to these?). The design, while inherently similar to existing apparel, would have to be specifically engineered for the needs of the DB. To wit:
Elbow-pads: would be substantially thicker not only to prevent injury but to prevent numbnesss after long hours of bar-leaning (Darsy could consult on these)
Knee-pads: equipped with tiny rollers to facilitate movement from prone position to toilet for late-night reverse peristalsis
Helmets: these wouldn't resemble obnoxious present-day roller blade helmet designs, but would instead be fashioned after World War I pilot headgear. Perhaps with a small screen over the forehead which would periodically flash subliminal messages which, depending on the gender/occupation of the person one was conversing with, could read alternately:
"Sleep with me"Functional *and* fashionable, I reckon.
"Give me a round on the house"
"Put the nightstick down"
Obviously this just scratches the surface of the possibilities. I welcome your comments and suggestions, though I feel it only fair to warn you that given my extremely abrupt attention span of late you will in all likelihood be ignored.
Pete
William Holden's love child
Peter Vonder Haar wrote:
Helmets: these wouldn't resemble obnoxious present-day roller blade helmet designs, but would instead be fashioned after World War I pilot headgear. Perhaps with a small screen over the forehead which would periodically flash subliminal messages which, depending on the gender/occupation of the person one was conversing with, could read alternately:Personally, I'd go for the always fashionable German helmets from WWI that have the little poker on top. It would be a handy place to keep the scraps of paper I seem to always pick up while out on the town, as well as a potentially useful offensive weapon."Sleep with me"Functional *and* fashionable, I reckon.
"Give me a round on the house"
"Put the nightstick down"
I'd also like to have my screen flash (in addition to the above):
"Have you seen my wallet?"Dave
"Fuck last call, I want another beer"
My address, so the cab driver can find my house when I'm slurring too much to be understood by anyone not totally knackered.
