"DBusiness Trip"

Subject: DBusiness Trip - Part 1
Date: 17 Jul 96

OK, four days of silence should be explained so here goes....

I have just returned from what was quite possibly the drunkenest business trip (and very productive too) in living memory. It all starts back on Saturday when, true to DB tradition, I got to the airport early to take advantage of the cheap booze at the airport bar. Problem 1: Airways has one person behind counter and I spend the entire hour waiting for my ticket instead of saving a fortune at the bar. As fate would have it however, this turns into a blessing because, as the last person onto the plane (to the tune of "would passenger XXXXXXX still delaying flight YYYYY please board through gate ZZZZZ"), I am forced to sit right in the tail, 1.5 feet from the bar.

Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the air hostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drink until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosyllables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat.

My fellow passengers at this point realized they were dealing with a pro and much to my surprise, the gentleman next to me (suit and all) followed my lead and soon we all had something cold to comfort us during takeoff. Some ninety minutes and six (?) beers each later, a very jovial take section of flight SA425 disembarked at Johannesburg International and head, last free drink in hand, for the baggage carrousel....

The evening ended at an old friends house with many more beers and a few bottles of good red wine put in their rightful place around a roaring fire, listening to Ridriguez and recounting tales of bygone DBism and finally passing out, fully clothed but believing the world to be a near-perfect place, even if it was only a temporary state of mind.

To be continued....
(tomorrow - Hungover conference blues)

Subject: DBusiness Trip - Part 3
Date: 18 Jul 96

What happened to part two? Well, anyone who can fill in the details from Saturday night to Sunday morning, please feel free to mail me.

So the story thus far - Much drink, more drink, sentimental shit and then passing out. Forward over part two and we arrive at the conference center feeling like shit but dressed the part of a yuppie. Big mistake; everyone else is wearing jeans etc and I'm the only tard wearing a tie. Twenty seconds later I'm the only one with a tie in his pocket and two cups of coffee to address the buzzing forehead that by now must be irritating people other than myself.

Forward again through hours and hours of really productive (so I was told) debating and other such conference type goodies to a point in the late afternoon when someone announces "That will do for today. Anyone who would like a drink, the bar is now open." Once again things get a bit sketchy after this point. I know we had a few drinks in the bar before moving to the restaurant where many more beers and a few fine bottles of red met their maker at the hands of not only myself but an ever-increasing band of drunken conference goers.

I remember being offered a lift by the companies director in his rather neat 4X4 and asking him to explain why the speedo only went to 15 MPH. He took great delight in telling me that I was looking at the thermometer and he looked forward to seeing me make it through the next day. This would have been a cruise had it not been for the fact that our hotel not only had a bar that stayed open until 2am but then also provided beer vending machines in the halls. Sometime before dawn the party ended with security offering to call the cops if we wouldn't refrain from randomly calling guest's room and asking them to join us. They really are funny that way....

As is to be expected, the next two days were very much duplicates of the first one. Except for the last night which was officially documented in the agenda as a 'Cocktail Party'. For 'Cocktail Party' picture 2 hours of intense drinking before making a dash for the airport and barely making it onto the plane. (is there a pattern forming here?)

Luckily this time I didn't have to hold any hostages to acquire a drink because the last one from the party was still going down as the wheels retracted and we headed south. First pass of the air hostess I asked for a 'few' beers, she took one look at me, handed over two and kept coming back every ten minutes with two more. Now I've never been to heaven (and remembered it) but if this is anything to go by, I plan on getting there one way or another.

On landing I noticed a very puzzling fact: If the row in which I was sitting was deserted, how come they were sitting four to a seat up front? the glancing around I noticed the pile of beer cans and other debris and just figured some folk don't like me. I can live with that.

Life has returned to normal, there were no complaints from the airways or the hotel, but if anyone knows a good use for a life vest (the kind you 'find' under the airplane seat) please give me a shout.

Subject: DBusiness Trip - Part 2 (just slightly out of order)
Date: 31 Oct 96

OK drunks, made it back in one piece from yet another business trip (despite the better efforts of the blonde in the beemer - but more about that later).

You gotta know you're off to a bad start (for 'bad start' read 'WTF, I'll have another beer and the problem will go away') when upon arrival at the airport I was met with that oh too familiar 'We regret to announce a further delay in the departure of.....' Anyway, two hours and a thorough bar sitting later, I stagger onto the plane, last of the front-loaders in hand and I notice the relieved look on the flight attendant's face, obviously recalling the near-hostage drama involved in my last fight. Not much else really happened on the flight. The food was shit, the seat had no leg room and the beer was warm, sorry, did I say 'warm?' - I meant 'free' (why do people so often confuse the two?)

Touch down in Johannesburg, get met by a very drunken old DB who to my horror informs me is now living with a female. Luckily his sanity has not yet drained out via his choad and we go in search of a pub. Nothing! El Zippo! Fack all!?!?!? For the life of us we cannot find an open pub. WTF?!?!?!?!! I guess that two hour delay did it. Even the vending machine in the hotel had only three beers left and ten minutes later I retires for the night, bitterly disappointed to say the least.

But wait, just when you think things are at a low, along comes fate and gives you the old 'you ain't seen nothing yet' Finger. Yup, I get collected at the hotel by a fellow slave and we head off to the next hotel to collect more people. We're just turning into the parking lot when WHAM!! The Audi does this unbelievable 0-200 MPH in 0.01 secs. Yes, not only had Monday arrives sans hangover, but then this blonde decided that her makeup took preference to minor distractions like traffic. Audi tow hitch 1 - BMW 0!!! and don't put all your faith in no steenkin air bag - that bugger didn't even budge from his cozy little hideaway in the beemers steering wheel.

[insert many, many hours of intense in-one-ear type stuff]

Monday night, too tired to give a shit but off to the bar anyway. Probably crammed one too many down the throat - damn, who wrote that????? We sat around for the best part of the evening, catching up on more that just business. Staggered back to the hotel and crashed till dawn. Awoke unable to move the neck more that about 0.5 inches. Quick check: mouth still able to open wide enough for a beer, I'll survive!!

[insert many, many hours of intense in-one-ear type stuff - only keeping neck very still]

Tuesday night: much like Monday night except in the company of Big Boss who was buying the good stuff - '82 Meerlust Cabernet Saigon etc. Needless to say the evening ended with some poor restaurant owner begging us to allow him the benefit of returning to his wife and children before sunrise and the entire company's management staff appearing Wednesday morning looking very much the worse for wear.

[insert many, many hours of intense in-one-ear type stuff - only keeping entire head very still]

Wednesday night, the flight home: Get to airport 30 minutes early - No delay?????? Something was amiss- so off to the bar to front load - who wants to die on an empty stomach? Anyway, get onto the plane and as we role towards the runway, the captain informs us that they are expecting thunder storms and that there may be delays in the serving of dinner. Dinner? what about the drinks??? A question which was quickly answered by the hurried serving of drinks. 'What do I want to drink? What you got left?'

Side note: During heavy turbulence, insert the entire can into mouth shortly after opening, this avoids irritating spills and gives the lady in the next seat something to distract her children with: 'Don't worry about the bumping darling, look at the funny man with a can in his mouth and foam coming out his nose...'

And so here I am, a bit the worse for wear, neck still not flexible enough to take someone literally when they say 'Go blow yourself' but happy none the less and ready for any old ghost brave enough to have a go at my beer.

Cheers
ALAN - 'Trick or treat???? Damn, for a moment I thought you were my ex....'

Subject: Re: DBusiness Trip II - We don't need no steenkin transport
Date: 02 Nov 96

Liam enquired:

Alan, you seem to have sooooo much fun. I must be doing something wrong. What is the secret for having drunken adventures.

Liam, who tends to become loquacious then suddenly just go to sleep.

And then there is the Very Secret Truth according to alan: Any problem left for long enough goes away. There are no exceptions to this truth, however corrective surgery may be required after certain problems have gone.

Simple, no?

Cheers
ALAN - Philosophy (and spelling) from the depths of a hangover.