DR TIMO'S GUIDE TO DRUNKPLUMBING

Newsgroups: alt.drunken.bastards
Subject: Dr Timo's Guide to DrunkPlumbing
Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001

There are two tasks around the home that are often regarded as incompatible:
(1) Drinking
(2) Repair of things electrical/plumbing/constructional

However, there is no reason why (2) should interfere with (1) any more than
absolutely necessary. In particular, plumbing activities are the most
suitable for combining the two. This is due to, firstly, electricity can kill
you, and carpentry tools can cause undue blood loss and reduce the number of
fingers available to hold bottles/glasses. Plumbing, on the other hand, is
quite safe. Except when you drop tools on your toes, or kick toilet cisterns
you've left lying around on the floor. In addition to safety, plumbing is quite
simple. One merely needs to remember that water flows downhill (surprisingly,
sometimes even professional plumbers manage to forget this seemingly trivial
fact), and that water, especially when under pressure, will find its way out of
the pipes into the outside world if at all possible.

The basic rules of DrunkPlumbing come down to:
(1) Don't get so completely drunk that you are unable to operate a wrench or
recognise water.
(2) Make sure you have all the tools and equipment at hand, unless there is an
open hardware store within easy walking distance. It's okay to make sure that
you'll need to make a trip or two during the work, if there is a suitable pub
or bottle shop nearby. Just don't stay too long.
(3) If some unforeseen event happens, such as finding out that the bathtub
drain leaks over your collection of car ramps, date hooks, and miscellaneous
debris downstairs, leave it until later. Don't try to deal with too
much unplanned stuff. Remedial measures later could prove expensive. Besides,
you don't want to drop a date hook on your toes.
(4) Some plumbing jobs can be downright mucky. Drink will help this. After all,
isn't it easier to clean up the spew immediately instead of waiting for the
next day? Easier on the stomach, anyway.
(5) If you really fuck it up, just turn off the water at the mains, after
filling up a bucket or saucepan or two. You won't die from a night without
running water, especially if you have sufficient beer available. Spew outdoors,
if possible. You can always shit on the lawn as well; it's good for the grass.

I cannot emphasise enough that control is vital; don't pass out leaving the
job half done. That invites undesirable flooding. Hopefully it'll only be water.

Just remember, plumbing is much more enjoyable when drunk. While booze and
electricity, and booze and sharp things can be dangerous combinations, plumbing
doesn't involve any of these drawbacks, so go for it!

By the way, the toilet does work very well now. Except maybe for a small leak.




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