The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front
is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to
wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is
perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer
unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to
its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not
complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash
you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth
and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You
cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not
treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
FROM: elliot@mont.mindspring.com (elliot m. cohen)
SUBJECT: The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
DATE: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 09:15:53 GMT