THE 5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - CLEVER: This is when you suddenly become an expert on
every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything
and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you
are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realise that you are the
BEST LOOKING person in the Entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you
and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still
CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the
sun.
Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person
in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you
have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still
CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't
matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy
drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST
LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLETPROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone
and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or
arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you
can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and
challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of
losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell
you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At
this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can
dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the
rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog
the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot
see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight
you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still
CLEVER you know ALL the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF HANGOVERS
Stage 1 - STUPID: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a
flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers,
such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and
Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night before) two-step,
you realise that you have lost not only several hours of
your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now
officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto
your third bacon sandwich/pizza.
Stage 2 - UGLY: Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the
bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you
have now become even less attractive than you thought previously
possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and
smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots
but you've either left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so
much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try
and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips
to paper over the cracks.
Stage 3 - POOR: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are
about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you
got from the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from
your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but
the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you
may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some
point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will
have given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you
would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the
only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all
humanity.
Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS: As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor
sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other
people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile
physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are
likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK: Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot
this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better,
they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in
front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and
insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire
sauce in or eat greasy food as "it's the only thing that will make
you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too
conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy
Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.
April 06, 2001
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