Brief Intro:
Hi, I'm, um, Trigger.  I've also been known to go by "DB Cooper", "the *good* Canadian" and "that fucking asshole".  I've been hanging around these bastards for well over two years - you'd think I'd have just walked away by now, wouldn't ya?  My favorite colo(u)r is beer.  A ridiculous number of my posts to ADB revolve around the sport of curling and the drunken antics that ensue.

Date and Place of Birth:
January 28, 1958 (you do the math).  I was a "Space Age" baby - born right at the outset.  Oddly enough, the "Challenger" space shuttle blew the fuck up on my 28th birthday.

Ethnic History:
Completely European, but a bit of a fucking mutt.  Going by the grandparents only, I'm English, Irish, German and Norwegian.  There's some Scottish in there too, I'm told.  Then again, on me paternal granddad's side we've been kicking around the U.S. since the 1600's, but damned if I'll stoop to calling myself 'merkin.  Let's just call me white trash and be done with it.

Appearance:
Completely fucking average in every fucking way.  Call me Waldo - you'll never pick me out of a crowd.

Height/Weight:
5' 9" (ish) and holding steady at aboot 160 lbs for the past 25 years.  Beats me - I eat like an idiot and drink beer like a bastard.

People Say I Look Like:
When I was younger I was told I looked a lot like Matthew Broderick.  But my favorite comparison was by a waitress in a bar in Edmonton who told me I was the spitting image of Lou Reed.  I think she's fulla shite, but I tipped her heavily anyway.

Education:
Minimum High School with a 6-month crash course from hell in 'puters at the w*rk.  So I'm doing pretty fucking well for a lazy idiot that started out climbing telephone poles and basically doesn't know shit from shoe polish.

Current Residence:
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada - aka "the middle of the frozen fucking tundra".  Altho... right now (July 21), with the sun beating down on my concrete balcony, the thermometer reads 108F...

Regular Quotes/Mating Calls:
Well, anybody that's been around ADB much (or has actually read this fucking far) knows I like to say "fuck" a lot.  As for a "mating call", I guess it would have to be "How does fifty bucks sound?"

Alcohol Stash in House:
There is never much of a "stash" around here - it doesn't seem to matter how much I haul in, I immediately get down to the serious business of turning it into piss.  Liquor quakes when it enters my apartment - it knows it's hours are numbered.

What's in your Fridge:
Ha!  Right now, not much of fucking anything.  The bastard died on me this week and took most of my limited food supply with it.  But I now have a much bigger and much shinier beer repository.  Every time my pal Dizzybeth looks in my fridge, she says "Jesus Christ, man - all you have is beer and food-for-food (condiments)."

Fascinating Physical Fact:
Not a damn thing I can think of off-hand.  Probably the most fascinating thing is that I've actually lived this long the way I treat my body.  It's more of a dumpster than a temple.

Vehicle:
Well, it's an older mini-van, but I like the damn thing.  The a/c and the heater work (there's like 2 days a year around here you don't need one or the other) and the stereo kicks ass.  And it has a bed, so drinking and driving is not required.

Most Embarrassing Fact:
I have absolutely no sense of direction.  If the sun ain't shining, I can't tell you up from down.  In a building with elevator banks on either side of a hallway, I'll almost *always* turn the wrong way when exiting.  I will need a guide in Vegas or I won't be able to find my way home from across the street.

Phobia:
I am fucking scared shitless that I will actually live to retirement age.  'Cause my main plan has always been to slowly drink myself to an early death and piss every dollar away as it comes in.  Unless of course, I win the lottery.  Then I'll shape the fuck up - I'll have a reason to live!

Occupation:
Drinking heavily and drinking a lot.  Oh - you mean like for a living? I'm a tech geek for a telco.

Name of Most Embarrassing Ex:
I guess that would have to be Patti, who is featured in the tale "Drunken Bastard Girlfriends".  She was really strange and none of my friends liked her much.  But she swallowed.

Trigger's Drunken Stories:

(Disclaimer:  the 'editor' accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the geriatric font size in these stories. The html was done by the drunk himself, the links are to his own site, and he says he likes it that fucking way ...)

"Drunken Bastard Girlfriends"                       "City Men's Bonspiel '98"

"Teenage Drunk Driving"                              "Howling at the Moon"

"Tales From the Stockyards"                          "Crossing a Line"

"Hangover... or Alien Abduction?"                 "I'll Take That Bet"

"Drunken TV Repair"                                    "It's Elizabeth, Right?"

"ADB Message Manager"                              "A Cute Waitress Half My Age"

"My Best Vomit"                                           "King of the Fucking Idiots"

"Curling Can Kill"

25 July 1999