Recollection is poor. I guess that means I enjoyed myself. Let me fix myself another duty free bacardi and bore the ass of you all. “Flight Delta blah, blah leaving for Phoenix via Cincinnati and needing a few more mugs to pay loads of money to cram into a piece of machinery that has no right to levitate is now boarding at the furthest gate from where you are currently looking for a place to smoke what might possibly be your last cigarette.” Got to love modern means of travel/torture.
I could do the standard and say “It was an uneventful flight.” But, fuck it, for your entertainment and yours alone, I managed to make a complete fuckbrain of myself on the flight. Call me wild or just call me simply drunk, either way I endeavoured to make entry into the US as difficult as possible for my travelling companions, Jaz and Jodie. Thirty minutes before landing in Cincinnati I was pissed off ‘cos Delta sucked on providing enough alcohol to satisfy my needs. Therefore, the bottle of voddy intended for Gonz’s belly was cracked. I should have read the label. I roared. On approach I declared the pilot a moron ‘cos he was flying the plane backwards, then a hero ‘cos he could make the plane hover, then tried to share my face spray with off loading passengers. Did they think it was mace or what?
I am normally terrified of immigration and customs. However, so relaxed was I that I cannot, to this day, put a face to a name. We had a 2 hour layover in Cincinnati. (Thank god for spellcheckers) Cakes was supposed to meet us. He didn’t. Just as well as, allegedly, it took that amount of time to clear immigration and customs. Time flies when you are having a coma.
I was miffed when the expected hour flight was 3 and a half. After complaining for a solid ten minutes I passed out and the flight went more quickly. Apparently Gonz was good enough to meet us at the airport. I think it was Phoenix airport. Wood Green revisited, I asked many times to sit down. We got Gonz and admired his beautiful home. I think I passed out again, but others can fill in those gaps.
We woke early (ish) next morning to the barking of a large dog. It was very close by. It was large. It answered to the name of “ I am a friend, Romey.” Gonz went to w*rk. Jaz, Jodie and I decided to go out and get some breakfast at Denny’s. It was good. Then we decided to take Romey for a walk. It was eventful. Lovely dog. Good dog. Bite strange person, dog. Bit person, lawsuit loomed ……strange person clutched leg and asked for 57 cents for bus. Gave strange person a dollar for his trouble. Ran home. Gonz returned from w*rk and the hunting call of “White Trash Bar”(WTB) resounded. Happy hour is a good thing. I like America. Jaz beat us all at pool. (Ed’s note: She had to say that) Synopsis of several nights at the White Trash Bar …….. Drank heavily. Drank a lot. Jaz recounted to me an episode, which I missed when some guy passed him, punched another guy and walked out. Then there was the ‘white trash mafia’. “I like you both, I like to have an English connection. Meet my boys.” We politely shook hands and smiled all British-like. This might or might not have been the night Jaz wore his Scooby Do pj’s to the bar.
One day we went to a shopping mall to play at Gameworks and see a movie. We found a bar. Jodie played in Gameworks and we, er, drank. Can’t remember the name of the movie we didn’t see. A nice barman in the Brewtap place let us take a picture of Jaz behind the bar. It was thus determined that we had to have a pic of Jaz behind every bar we went to. We had a hundred percent success rate so far. Thwarted at the next bar but got loads of memorabilia by complaining loudly.
In Phoenix we took loads of pictures of police cars, some with flashing lights, some without flashing lights. We took a few of fire engines and ambulances too. We also enjoyed Gonz’s hospitality/patience and hung out a lot and smoked in the heat and accepted weird phone calls/messages. But…. Mexico beckoned.
Gonz drove us there. We counted the cacti and marvelled at the thriving industry that provided all the Wild West movies with shrub. Then we watched in wonderment at a mini tornado (bigger than a dust devil), which decided to pay us a visit. Fanfuckingtasticly, it edged its’ way towards us and hopped on the car. It was truly a very exciting moment. Passports, visas and money to hand we approached the Mexican border. Two old gits waved us through and I swear they muttered “Dollars into the country, dysentery out.”
I have no particular grudge with cockroaches and green pools. The hotel was on the California Bay (damned if I can remember the real name… gimme more duty free) and the sunset was breathtaking. I remember Gonz trying to take a pic of us at the pool bar with the sunset behind us. I don’t think we spilled a drop. Another memorable moment was when the barman asked us from where we had come. Stating ‘England’ he replied, “That is a very long drive.” But he only charged a buck a can of beer, so I refuse to mock him. We walked in 112 degrees of heat, ate superb shrimp and avoided the children selling chicklets. Jaz was startled by a man who gruffed a whisper in his ear asking, “Do you want to go on a feeshing treep” which Jaz mistakenly heard as “I have a knife”. We enjoyed and survived and counted cacti on the way back to Phoenix. Jodie tested travel insurance with an ear infection and I left my colon in Mexico.
Beavis arrived. He farted and belched and ate all his body refuse. We went to the WTB. We drank for Europe and lost the camera. Just about here Jodie asked if we could pack Romey and, after refusing, we caught a plane to Vegas. This flight was uneventful. It was amazing short which explains it, I guess.
Vegas has a way of blurring my senses. I shall try to recount as best I can. Cab to Circus Circus (CC). I think that covers it all.
OK. Let me try.
We arrived. Drank some and then Jaz and FHD went on the Canyon Blaster. Probably the only ones to do a scary ride all weekend. We then slept. (NB. FHD was in room # 20805 and we were in room # 20804) All calls (and many there were) were sent to FHD’s room. Hence, the page from Trigger saying it was 5.30 p.m. and he was in the lobby was not received until 7 pm. We found him at the bar. We stared at each other a while, Trigger logged onto Jaz’s hat (a bit of a giveaway seeing as it said “ADB Jaz” on it) and I mouthed ‘Grant?’ and the connection was made. We drank some. Trigger crashed in FHD’s room. Trigger woke at some ungodly and smoked in our room. (Skip… memory loss) Next to arrive were Gonz and the Snotgobbler. (All days/nights are now beginning to roll into each other, so forgive me if the timing is askew) Kallisto arrived… with her mother. Nice lady. Passed by Kallisto, Jaz and I at the Black Jack table once and merely asked if Kal was winning. Then she disappeared into the clanging slot machines to lose her money. Next time I saw her was when I had lost FHD and was banging on her room door LOUDLY and a little lady in the room next to hers asked if she could help. “Hi mom.” Next a message from Cruise. He was staying at the Luxor hotel and we arranged to meet there for a drink before the elite went to lunch with Sondra and HER HUSBAND!!!!! We got to Luxor and Cruise was exiting the Nile Bar. “Where ya going?” asks I. “I am going to smoke a joint.” was Cruises’ reply. Some things never change. Demon John was at the bar buying champagne. Heath was there, trying to lose all his money.
I am trying to remember everything in chronological order. Doubt I shall achieve my goal. Anyway, we frontloaded for the Pub Crawl *™. Some buggered off to the s thingy. We managed to bed FHD after losing her in the Adventuredome. Gonz assisted in the search. We met the motley crew at the second pub and sure enough, there was a big fuck off bus which allowed everything but smoking. No problem. In the second pub there we espied Tami and Robin. This pub was another good to form WTB and adjoining it was a shop, which sold film for the camera. (Replaced last lost one) I was startled by laughter as I entered said shop. All the staff were laughing hard. I went to the checkout and the assistant burst into hysteria, pointed at my Las Vegas DBFest ’99 shirt, turned to her colleagues and declared “Oh no!! It’s another one!” I guess we made an impression.
The bus journeys between pubs were punctuated by microphone-generated renditions of various drunken escapades. We met up with Sondra and Alan at a posh place which refused us entry (even if we chose to pay the $2 entry fee) ‘cos they carded Jaz (hahahahahh) and I told the bouncer he was a fucking wanker. We left and Heath thanked me for not getting into fisticuffs. Shizoor had thirty dollars. ‘Nuff said. Jaz rescued Cruises hat from pukesville at one pub. Sondra and I nearly fell over each other racing to kick an elusive Badart in the balls in one pub. Couldn’t find them, so he survived. Another pub introduced Beerena. She tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hi. I am Beerena.” Beerena hugs later and we had bonded. A little later I faceplanted. Don’t ask me any more questions. As night follows day, Batistas’ follows Pub Crawl *tm.
You would think FHD would have learnt. But no. MIA I went hysterical and barely avoided a security call. I screamed at Jaz, sprained my finger and disowned FHD. We made it to Batistas’ in time to see Sondra fluff about the management cocking up on numbers and us being in a non-smoking area. I don’t think I complained. (like fuck) Demon John was calling for champagne, Cakes owned up to stopover fuck-up, Julie bought Manhattans (got to love that person), someone hit me in the eye with an hors ‘oeuvre (blame the spell checker), Cruise passed round a bag of shots, Beerena kept count (still amazes me), Badart thought everything was highly amusing, Carrie and Redlion nestled, Melvin showed us what a contender Badart could have been and Jaz took pictures and stuff. Was it here that I realized that Robins tits were *not* Robins tits? Was it here that I realised that you don’t mess with a big, black, looming Mark? Here that Tami smiled the smile that said “I’ll indulge you, Leaf.” Well… who knows?
I woke at three a.m. My bed was empty. I gambled. I won! Six a.m. I returned to the room and found Trigger and Jaz in bed. Dressed, btw. I woke them to tell of my good fortune. I noticed glitter on Jaz’s face. Hmmmm… “You have glitter on your face, Jaz. Where did that come from?” (Grumble…….. “Clowns.”) I see. All was revealed (pun) later. ;-)
At some point I remember sitting at a Black Jack table and DemonJohn sauntered up, placed a hundred dollar bill on the table and won. Apparently he did that a lot, but not always with the same result. Whichever way, you could always hear, in the distance, “Champagne for my friends!” You cannot argue with that. You can, however, argue that falling down at the Sports Bar whilst ordering champagne does not sit well with management. I had a night of gambling at some point with Kallisto and Gonz.and I seem to remember winning. At least I know that it was cash up time and the two of them had been swifting away chips and there was more in their pockets than I had remembered winning. God Bless you both.
After the glitter night *tm, Jaz was not feeling very well. He sort of lost a day. I went gambling with Tami and Robin. Apart from the Pit Boss asking Robin if she was my daughter, the night went well. Tami told me off as I became highly amused when, placing a hundred dollar bill on the table in front of Robin (to bet, perverts), she transformed from “I don’t know how to count to 21” to “……….” Talk about rabbits in the headlights! What was it you called me? ‘Moshy’?
Then, so quickly, everyone vanished. Much like our money. Worth every fucking penny. Thank you all. Gonz, host with the most. Don Guido, who I briefly saw and forgot to mention. Badart, put on weight. Mark, great big huggy black bastard. Robin (silicone) Pastrami. Tami, lucky charm. Beavis, Snotgobbler. Sondra, married. Alan, married to Sondra. Kallisto, swifter/momwatcher. Julie, missed the swim. Cruise, c’mere you. Shizoor, $30. Trigger, pay up ya cunt. Cakes, can we gamble together. Demon John, “Champagne for my friends.” And Jaz………. Glitterking/I love you.
Here endeth the tale……….till the next one.
Leaf
6 Sept 1999