Profession Jokes - Musicians

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Musicians

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Bongo by Animation Factory An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".

How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.

How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.

How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".

The composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later he wrote: "Faster."

A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

Nina J. Hodgson, Jazz Now Magazine

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

A guy playing trombone in the opera had a fantastic gig on the day he had to play in the opera. He tried to find a replacement but without success. Finally he went to his housekeeper and convinced him to do the replacement. "I give you my other trombone. You just look what is the guy next to you doing and it would be OK".

Next morning he asked the housekeeper how it was.

"Catastrophe. Your colleague sent also his housekeeper to replace him".

What's the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.

What do you call a accordionist with a beeper?
An optimist.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"I can't see the agony of the audience."

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

"Do you love music?"
"Yes, but never mind, you may continue playing."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you call someone who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.

How do you get a lead guitarist to stop playing?
You put sheet music in front of him.

What does a guitar player do when he locks his keys in the car?
He breaks the window to get the bass player out.

"Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.

Frank Zappa

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Elvis Costello

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

An efficiency consultant gave his critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:

All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut.
For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

What does a viola player make not to look ridiculous?
He puts his viola into a violin box.

Don Sergio, who sent me this joke, says that it sounds great in french, so here it is:

Comment fait un altiste pour ne pas avoir l'air riducule?
Il met son alto dans un étui à violon!

What's the definition of a string quartet?
One good violinist, one bad violinist, one really bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time.

Gioacchino Rossini

A story is told that Richard Wagner was walking on a street in Berlin one day and came across an organ-grinder who was grinding out the overture to Tannhäuser. Wagner stopped and said, "As a matter of fact, you are playing it too fast."

The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"

The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."

Raymod Smullyan, "What Is the Name of This Book?"

How musicians do it...

Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it in rhythmically.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.

You Might Be a Musician if...

your heros are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.
you can sing all of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
you begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
you can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.
you can play more instruments than the average person can name.
you try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores.

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get that high.
Two. One to change it and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have machines that do that now.
Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow their way into the spotlight.
Twenty, one to hold the bulb and 19 to drink so much the room spins.

How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the bulb and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, one, two..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
"Light bulbs? Why bother, they don't make any noise."

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she just stands there holding up the bulb and expects the whole world to revolve around her.