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After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down. Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him.

Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?

The young man: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for the above was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."

An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to each of them one wish.

The copywriter says: "I've always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I'd like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and write my masterpiece."
The Genie says, "No problem!" and poof! The copywriter is gone.

The art director says: "I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for all the world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting."
The Genie says, "Your wish is granted!" and poof! The art director is gone.

The Genie then turns to the account executive and says, "And what is your wish?"
The account executive says, "I want those two assholes back here right now."

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You approach her to get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Telemarketing.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. Your friend goes to her and says, "Hi, my friend over there is fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You get up, straighten your clothes, approach her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're fantastic in bed, what about it?"
That's the power of Branding!

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

Translation and Advertisement

• The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

• Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

• Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

• Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

• When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

• Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

• An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

• Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

• Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

• When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

• Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".

• Bank Caixa Econômica Federal in Brazil offered in an advertisment "HOT MONEY" (in english), obviously unaware of the fact that hot money means "Stolen Money" in normal slang.

• The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

• When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

Good times, bad times, there will always be advertising. In good times people want to advertise; in bad times they have to.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.	No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.	We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.	Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.	Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.	Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.	For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.	Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!	Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.	Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.	For Sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.

How advertisers do it...

Advertisers do it publicly.
Advertisers do it originally.
Advertisers do it with a lot of noise.
Advertisers do it within thirty seconds.
Advertisers do it with promises to be the best.
Advertisers use the "new, improved" method.
Advertisers just do it.

How many advertisers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
Two. One to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
Three. One to change the light bulb and two to hold a large billboard saying "Here we screw in the best light bulb money can buy."

How many Burger King advertisers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."

How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Does it have to be a light bulb?"
Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.

More jokes, complaints, Coke Light? Send it to David Shay

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