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Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"

The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.

In God we trust. All others must bring data.

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

"Give us a copper Guv," said the beggar to the Treasury statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days."
"Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with the same period last year?"

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.

Three percent exceeds 2 percent by 50 percent, not by 1 percent.

"Why are you moving? You have arrived to this lovely neighborhood just a few weeks ago."
"Yes, but I read in the local paper a bit of statistics that said, 'most auto accidents happen within eight miles of your home'."

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.
"Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.
"No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

Patient: "Will I survive this risky operation?"
Surgeon: "Yes, I'm absolutely sure that you will survive the operation."
Patient: "How can you be so sure?"
Surgeon: "9 out of 10 patients die in this operation, and yesterday died my ninth patient."

Top ten reasons to be a statistician

1. Estimating parameters is easier than dealing with real life.
2. Statisticians are significant
3. I always wanted to learn the entire Greek alphabet.
4. The probability a statistician major will get a job is > .9999.
5. If I flunk out I can always transfer to Engineering.
6. We do it with confidence, frequency, and variability.
7. You never have to be right - only close.
8. We're normal and everyone else is skewed.
9. The regression line looks better than the unemployment line.
10. No one knows what we do so we are always right.

Statistics Revisited

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

Here are the results of our drug testing study on rabbits: 1/3 of the sample died; 1/3 of the sample survived; the other one ran away.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

How statisticians do it...

Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with significance.
Statisticians do it on random walks.
Statisticians do it stochastically.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians do it with standard deviations.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
"With what degree of certainty do you need to know?"
3.67 statisticians on the average.
75.23% of the population believe that it takes less than four statisticians.

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