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Internet service providers

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"

Being a hacker is kind of being a supermodel. Eventually you grow up and move on.

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow

1. Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and...
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
4. You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
6. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web

• Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
• You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
• You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
• You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
• You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
• Your dog has his own webpage.
• So does your hamster.
• When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

Top 7 ways the Internet could get worse

"MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

Gameboy web browsers.

Two words: "Microsoft Network"

Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

How many Web jokers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,623. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,392:

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
• 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
• 53 to flame the spell checkers,
• 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
• 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
• 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,
• 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
• 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
• 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
• 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here,
• 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

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