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(This is, of course, a chemists joke. For pharmacists jokes click here.)

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

A Chemical is a Substance that:

An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Little Willie was a chemist, Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.

Little Johnny took a drink, Now he shall drink no more. For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.

Classification of Chemistry

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. The pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.

What quote did Decartes come up with in his organic chemistry class?
I think, therefore I amide.

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

Rules of the lab

• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
• Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
• First draw your curves, then plot your data.
• Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
• Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
• To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
• If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
• Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
• All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
• No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
• Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

Chemist's last words

•  And now the tasting test...
•  And now shake it a bit...
•  In which glass was my mineral water?
•  Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
•  And now the detonating gas problem.
•  This is a completely safe experimental setup.
•  Now you can take the protection window away...
•  Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
•  And now a cigarette...

A physical chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist, but gets intimated by the math.

Chemistry Revisited

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help to make water. So, sometimes it's brother against brother.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

H₂O is hot water, and CO₂ is cold water.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

Activation Energy is the useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

How chemists do it...

Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in equilibrium.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electrochemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.

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