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Profession Jokes - Table of Contents David's Homepage

Applicants

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"

When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

"Where did you receive your training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."

A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Are you qualified to this job?

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

I know how to deal with stressful situations:

I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:

I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:

I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:

I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:

As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:

I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:

You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:

I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:

I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:

I'm a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:

I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:

Wait! Don't throw me away!

Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

Entry level position:

You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:

You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Profit sharing plan:

Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

Competitive salary:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:

We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Nationally recognized leader:

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

Immediate opening:

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:

We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:

We have no quality control.

College degree preferred:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.

Career minded:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

New Job Interview Technique

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.

How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
Thirteen. One to change the bulb and a dozen others to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity to apply for the job.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

Three men took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, "Remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back."

But of course, they killed one each and returned to the plane with three moose.
The pilot said: "I have told you to bring one moose only".
"That's what you told us last year," the hunters replied, "but for an additional $100 you allowed us to bring three moose. Here, take $100 now."
The pilot agrees, and lets them bring all three dead moose onboard.

Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the men woke up, looked around and said: "Where the hell are we?"
"Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place where we crashed last year."

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."

"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience.
"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.
The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Hunting an Elephant

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   a. Catch each animal seen.
   b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by controlling the interest rates.

Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal they hunted is a mouse.

Lawyers can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.
Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.

Managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Experienced managers keep in the project file the advise that claims that elephants are just like field mice.

Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Experienced computer sales people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as desktop elephants.

More jokes, complaints, Coke Light? Send it to David Shay

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Profession Jokes - Table of Contents David's Homepage

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